I learned something about myself, my brain is used to living in emergency situations, so I unintentionally create these situations for myself to live in. My brain got used to this when I was 3 – 4 years old and I started to be violently, physically abused. With bloody noses, black eyes, split lips. I was loved and adored in my life with my grandmother, two aunts and an uncle, till I was 2 years old. Then my mother graduated from medical school and reclaimed me and started physically abusing me. Pummeling would be the word. She had a lot of stress in her life and a lot of rage in herself, but instead of dealing with her stress, she became enraged at me for things like chewing gum and pummeled me into a bloody mess, with black and blue bruises to boot. I went from a loving, nurturing life to a life full of horrible abuse. I went from peace, calm, and love to never knowing when I would almost be killed. That is when my brain must have gotten used to living in live or die situations. And even now, when things are calm, or even not so calm, I idiotically make things worse so I can have the “fight or flight” response happening in my brain and can live in the familiar terrain of panic. The pictures above are of me when the abuse was taking place. How could you beat up that baby in those picture? Especially when you were the mother, mothers give their lives to protect their babies. My mother, whenever she felt like it, would pick up wooden boards the size of cutting boards, or high heeled shoes, or whatever came into her hands and pummel me with them.
It’s strange, but when I describe this, I feel nothing at all. Where did all the hurt feelings, the outraged feelings of the beaten child go? I am learning to mourn for the baby, the child, the young girl I was. And now that I have realized that I unknowingly create panic, I hope this realization leads to absolutely not doing it.
I know I have hurt my friends by doing this, one who was kind enough to message me on Facebook, I unfriended this wonderful friend, like a total idiot. I am so sorry! I apologize to my friends whom I’ve hurt. I know there are no excuses, but I am so very sorry and I hope they forgive me. Now that I realize my brain wants to create panic because it is the most familiar feeling, I will do my all to stop it.