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So the Anxiety is Unrelenting

As some of you may have noticed, I have not been blogging much of late. The reason you ask? Well the reason is anxiety. I have somehow developed an anxiety disorder, I awaken with what I can only describe as an anxiety or panic attack. Then I have to spend some time talking myself out of the anxious, fearful, panicked thoughts. Let me assure you this is not a fun way to start my day. The thoughts are always about my son. He recently became a lawyer, and passed the NYS Bar exam. He had found a job but it turns out the boss was the boss straight from hell, so my son had to leave this position. His boss said some extremely disgusting things to him. I’m pretty sure this man is a lunatic and a sociopath. I’m just sorry my son’s first experience as a lawyer was so awful.

He is still living in Buffalo, and I am in Louisville. He is looking for another job, and I am very worried about him finding said job. All the advertised jobs are asking for 2 – 8 years of experience. Not many entry level jobs are advertised at all. So that is worrisome.

He lives alone, and that is very worrisome to me. His girlfriend moved back to NYC to live with her family and although they are adorable together, it’s a long distance relationship.

I so wish we lived in the same city, a few miles away from each other, so if he needed anything, we would be there.

My heart breaks that I made this child of mine and now I have left him alone to fend for himself. I don’t like it. Everyone tells me that he has to live by himself to learn to be independent. I don’t like it. Yes I want him to be independent, but I also don’t want to be 600 miles away from him.

I keep telling myself that he is fine, that he is capable of taking care of himself, but I’m not really sure about that. I just keep telling myself he will be fine, and forcing myself to believe it. Trying to believe it. I want this awful anxiety and worry to go away. I’ve tried Ativan, it didn’t help that much.

7 thoughts on “So the Anxiety is Unrelenting”

  1. Oh honey, I’m so sorry your son’s boss was such an #^$&%^&-hole. :((((( You know, Samina, I’d be the SAME WAY that you describe. My girls are only 9 & 11 and I tell them quite often, “You are going to school HERE. You are not moving far away from me!!!!!” We have a great university that my husband & I graduated from the University of California, Santa Cruz. They laugh at me, but I’m 100% serious.

    back to you……I will pray to the “Unknown Angels” for your anxiety to subside & for your son’s job situation tonight! (I know that sounds silly, but your agnostic friend here read about them in the bestseller “Medical Medium” and sometimes these mysterious Unknown Angels come through for me!)

    Both my children are home this afternoon sick today. One has a sinus infection, although I stupidly allowed her to go to school, and the other one had a stomach bug flare up during second period and she vomited during her Language Arts class, and she was so humiliated, poor thing…. I had to pick her up at school and when the nurse called me to tell me what happened, I freaked, but I calmed down enough to drive safely on our icy roads. As you can tell, I’m not in a good frame of mind to write anything of use. Please forgive me. I understand terrible anxiety because I’ve lived with it for years, and I can relate to your pain.

    A few years ago I was given 10mg of Ativan at the ER whenI admitted myself with suicidal ideations, and it only helped a teeny bit. Xanax and Valium were stronger but I became addicted. UGH! The anxiety you describe is just a horrible feeling…..I’m so sorry you have to suffer. Sending you love and strength, beautiful Lady S. xoxoxoxx

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  4. I m so sorry about your anxiety Samina it is the absolutely a very difficult thing to manage but remember just as you fill your head with the negatives you must counter them with the positives and remember Aral is a very smart and resourceful young man ~ he made it through law school AND passed the bar .. All by himself …He needs to be diligent in his job hunt and you could help him there …which may actually help you with your anxiety if your pro active with him and both of you are looking on line ~ not limiting to the WNY area 😊- at this point he needs experience and that may need to come from another state … We love and care so deeply for our kids and my continued prayer is that they are happy in their work and Contributors in society …it will happen … Have faith in him and take some deep breaths … he will figure it out … Be patient for the right opportunity will come his way !! We are here close by if he ever needs anything please remember that ! Love you and sending hugs xo

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    • My dear Karen, thank you so much for all your positive and very sensible thoughts. This is just s very difficult and unsure time 😔. I certainly hope and pray everything will turn out well. Love and hugs for you too.

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