In many cases, that’s what mental illness is, a silent scourge. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD, among others appear silent to others, while people who suffer from these live in sometimes constant and unremitting hell. When you look at someone who is suffering from, for example, anxiety, you can’t tell that they are suffering. Their face may look placid and fine. They can even smile and carry on a conversation with you. However inside, their heart may be pounding, their thoughts may all be fearful and negative. Their outlook on life may be bleak. Worry and fear swirl through their body 24/7.

Well I am one of those people. Worrying, panicking, fearful, unsure of anything. And yet I put on a brave face so no one knows the extent of my suffering. It won’t stop, it won’t let me be. I’m in there, somewhere, under the tons of anxiety, gasping for breath. Sometimes it feels like my heart will explode, the constant weight on my chest, the suffocating fear, the fear and dread of what the future will bring. Will things ever be ok? Just ok would be fine, I’m not even asking for good, great, phenomenal. Just ok.

Is the worry caused by legitimate external events or do I worry so excessively due to the present biochemistry of my brain? Or a little of both? I believe mine is situational, that is it is caused by some situations in my life. Possibly, having bipolar disorder makes it worse. All I know is that it is pretty intolerable. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, I live in anxiety hell. A special layer of hell reserved for those with mental illness.

Don’t know what else to say. Will keep you posted. I am hoping and praying for a positive change, positive developments.

Trying really hard, living silently.