It was a wonderful vacation, a perfect vacation. Nine out of ten beach days! The best part was to have my son with us, he is so sweet and funny and intelligent! It is just a pleasure to be with him. It was also wonderful for me because I didn’t have to worry about him. I worry about him much too much. The beginnings of an anxiety disorder? I don’t know. What I do know is that he is fine, but I still worry about him and of course I miss him a lot. I know all about how children have to separate from their parents to individuate and grow up. I’m not sure I quite buy it though, I think families are meant to stay together, not in the same house, but close by, perhaps in the same town, so they can stay in touch and be there for each other if the need arises. But the American culture is all about individuality, about the nuclear family and not the extended family. It’s about individual rights. It separates us instead of bringing us together. As a mother, there is nothing that makes me happier than to be with my son and know that he is happy, healthy, well loved and living a productive, self sufficient life. That is what I wish for all my friends and family and their children as well.
Yes, our vacation was wonderful, so coming back has been difficult. Yes, I am dealing with emotions, the downfall for those of us who have mood disorders. Separation from my son and the ensuing anxiety are definitely triggers that plunge me into an anxious, depressed phase. Other triggers can make my adrenaline spike and possibly contribute to an angry, manicky response. Yes, I have to start my “Choosing to do Something Different” course with Pema Chödrön again. It was truly helping me when I was reading a section daily. It’s really a matter of use it or lose it. Must keep at it, must keep practicing. I will start again tonight and start posting about it again.
Also one of my triggers which is really simple to avoid is hunger. Yes I said hunger. When I am hungry, my anxiety can get to pretty high levels pretty quickly. For example in a well fed state (haha) I might find someone like Donald Trump (ugh) mildly annoying. But expose me to this annoying boor in a hungry state and I will react much more strongly, maybe even call him a gargantuan fool… which he might be… but what’s important here is my reaction to something, not the something. My reaction, that is what I am trying to control with Pema Chödrön’s course. Of course I won’t stop just with that course, I will read, follow, meditate, use other techniques as well.
I’m back. My son’s fine. I’m controlling my emotions. Hurrah!