Sexual harassment, all over the press, hits close to home

Yesterday was literally the first day after months, I said to myself that I’m finally feeling better. The heaviness, the panic about my son, the anxiety, all seemed to have abated!

Then I went to see an endocrinologist whom I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. He sort of grilled me about why I hadn’t come to see him. I said my psychiatrist had recommended someone else. Anyway, we got through that or so i thought.

Then he put his stethoscope in his ears, came at me and roughly pulled my button down shirt out, stuck his nose sort of inside my shirt, to get a good look I assume, then stuck the stethoscope inside my shirt to listen to my heart!!

Then he walked behind me, yanked my shirt out of my pants, had a good look at my butt and stuck The stethoscope inside my shirt on my back to listen to my lungs!!

Now why did he have to do that? He did not have to yank and tug at my shirt. He could have listened to my heart and lungs perfectly well from the outside of my shirt.

It all happened so quickly, I had no time to protest or react. I’m kicking myself that I didn’t tell him to stop.

Obviously, I’m not going back to him and I am writing him a letter on which I will cc the AMA and send a copy to the complaints department of the AMA.

Whether he is angry or a voyeur or both, he definitely should have some consequences for his sick actions.

Very disappointed and feel pretty bad again. Damn him for taking my hard won peace of mind.

I don’t look sick.

Why is it that when we are physically ill, as in for example having the flu, we are allowed to rest and recuperate. However when the illness is mental, as for example a mixed episode of bipolar disorder, we are not allowed to rest. We must keep going as if we are not sick at all. If we are housewives, dinner must be on the table when the family gets home. If we don’t make dinner (just an example of work) then why didn’t we? People might say “You don’t look sick, why don’t you do your work?” I have been in a mixed phase, as I generally am in the Fall. I feel terrible, emotional, terribly anxious, weepy, nothing good. Can’t eat. Yet I’m not given much of a chance to rest. I don’t look sick.

Some re-realizations

Everything old is constantly new again. The realization that this hellish illness has stolen so much from me personally, it’s even taken my brother.

My marriage almost ended, and hellishly, I have traumatized my precious son because of this illness.

The five years I was on *Lamictal, constantly in hypomania, almost destroyed my life.

*Lamictal, the best new drug for bipolar disorder in the early 2000’s. Everyone was being put on it, including myself. Later they realized it only works for Bipolar 2 Disorder and should never be given to people with Bipolar 1 Disorder as it puts these people in hypomania. Yes I was one of the early experimental subjects, though without my consent. And being in hypomania for 5-6 years, imagine what that does to someone’s life! Nothing good, I can tell you that. So not only has this illness tried to destroy me but the medications which were prescribed to control its symptoms, those very medications have exacerbated the illness, made it worse, tested my mettle and my strength. Anyway, enough about that, I’m still here.

And I’m on the path to reclaim my life, reclaim myself from the awful effects of this illness as well as some medications.

I have lived in fear and constant anxiety for at least the last two years. I’m ready to let that go and really reclaim my life and myself. Let go of the devastation, let in the light and take control of my life.

I am on Lithium, have been since 2009. My mood’s been pretty stable except for the massive anxiety. Dealing with it.

I feel like I have to forgive myself for my behavior when I was hypomanic for 5-6 years while on Lamictal. I feel I have to let go of the guilt for the pain I caused my family, especially my darling son. And my dear husband. Of course they bore the brunt of it because I lived with them.

I will make amends. I will ask their forgiveness.

I will forgive myself.

And I will go on with as little fear and anxiety as I can possibly manage.

I will take positive actions in my life, not just remediate the negative past.

I have some very positive actions in mind.

The main thing is that like an earthquake, one feels the aftershocks days after the main one, well the aftereffects of being hypomanic for years last a long time as well. Realizing how one’s life was almost destroyed is horrendous, truly it is!

But moving past that is miraculous. It is pure strength and confidence. And that is what I’m working on now.

Wish me luck.