Always apologizing

Why is it that only people with mental illness have to apologize for their symptoms? Well almost always. No one ever says “I’m so sorry for having a high blood count, but I have leukemia” do they?

I’m sorry I’m so gloomy (and I’m having suicidal thoughts, but you can’t admit that to anyone), I’m in a depression.

I’m sorry I’m such a wreck, I have really bad anxiety.

I’m so sorry I walk too fast, talk too fast, drive too fast, have hyper sexual thoughts but I’m in a manic phase.

I’m really sorry I’m so irritable, I’m in a mixed mood phase.

And anger, don’t forget anger, it comes with all of the above! Anger deserves its very own post.

No, I’m not a drama queen, I have a mood disorder.

I can be very emotional, but that also makes me very empathetic towards other people’s suffering. To use a woowoo term, I’m an empath.

If only I just didn’t have this damn disease so I could bloody well stop apologizing and go on living my life as others without mood disorders do. If only…

And as for self isolation, well I’ve been doing that for years, quite an expert at it!

Ugh! What a joy it must be to live with me!



Also known as health anxiety, or somatic symptom disorder, Hypochondriasis is an anxiety disorder in which the sufferer worries that they have a life-threatening disorder. Often times triggered by normal bodily aches and pains, a person suffering from Hypochondriasis will perceive these normal pains as signs of impending doom, and might make multiple trips to doctors or hospitals to gain reassurance. Oftentimes, even when the sufferer is cleared by a doctor, their fears will persist and they will have to seek multiple opinions which never seem to be conclusive enough to quell the anxiety they feel. It is common for those suffering from this anxiety disorder to worry they may have AIDS, HIV, ALS,聽Lou Gehrigs disease, or other types of neurological or fatal conditions.


Common compulsions in Hypochondriasis

路聽聽聽聽聽聽 Excessive googling or time spent on WebMD looking at symptoms

路聽聽聽聽聽聽 Constant checking or touching of the parts of the body where the pain is perceived

路聽聽聽聽聽聽 Seeking reassurance from friends, doctors and family members

路聽聽聽聽聽聽 Ruminating on what you felt like before the pain started

路聽聽聽聽聽聽 Ruminating on what life could be like after your feared diagnosis

路聽聽聽聽聽聽 Hyper-vigilance towards any perceived change in body sensations or levels of fatigue


A difficult issue in hypochondriasis is that when we concentrate on a certain body part excessively, or touch or prod it repeatedly, we can actually create sensation there. The sufferer will see this as a sign that their symptoms are getting worse and can become quite anxious and distressed. Health anxiety can be co-morbid with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and other anxiety disorders. Hypochondriasis is highly treatable and can be addressed with a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy (CBT), Mindfulness and Acceptance practices, and Exposure and Response prevention (ERP). With the proper treatment strategy, the client will learn how to manage the intrusive thoughts (ex: 鈥渨hat if I have ALS?鈥) and will begin to slowly accept the presence of their unwanted emotions.




Depression and anxiety

I live simultaneously in the past and the future, so that is why I suffer from depression and anxiety. Always regrets about the past, always if only I hadn’t done this or I had done that. Always oh I wish I could go back there, I miss it. Contradictory thoughts, I know. But they seem to control me, not the other way around.

And fears about the future, what if this happens or that happens, what if this or that doesn’t happen? Oh my god what is going to happen? Fear in my heart, sometimes I just break down sobbing, wishing I didn’t exist.

This last year has been the worst as far as anxiety is concerned. I don’t know why. It could be hormones, my estrogen and progesterone leaves are quite low. We’re trying to get approval from my insurance company for an estrogen/progesterone patch. Let’s see if that helps.

I’m on Lamictal besides Lithium and Seroquel. In the distant past, Lamictal alone had thrown me into mania for all five years that I was on it. But this time I’m taking it with Lithium and it has not done that. In fact it’s improved my mood quite a bit! It was difficult and scary staring it again, but I’m glad I did.

So, I have a question for my readers: is it that you live in the past that you have depression, and you live in the future so you have anxiety?

Or is it your thoughts about the past that cause you to be depressed and your thoughts about the future that cause you to be anxious?

That is, what comes first? The thoughts or the depression and anxiety?

Kind of like a chicken and an egg question.

If the depression and anxiety come first then it might be an issue of medication primarily.

If the thoughts come first, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy May have a big impact along with meds.

Let me know what you think.

Also why can’t I seem to live in the present moment, really that is all we have and peace is found here? Why does my mind take me to the land of regrets and fears instead of leaving me in peace on the shores of the present moment? Is that because of my illness, bipolar 1, or because of severe stress suffered in childhood? I don’t know. I just know I wish it was not the case and I could live in peace.