Ah brain, you betray me. Chemistry, you deceive me. Thoughts, you overwhelm me. Emotions, you frighten me. Peace, you elude me. Tranquility, you are lost to me.
I look for peace, I look so much for quiet, I do not find either. I will sit silently. I will breathe deeply. I will not let tears fall from my eyes. I will wait for happiness like a little bird who comes tapping at your window, or splashes in the birdbath, happy just to be. I will be happy just to be.
Strange, I start writing when I’m either starting to feel depressed or more often when I start to feel manicky. Physically, I’m fine. But my mind, my mind… Anxious, overthinking to a maddening degree, restless, painful. Well, here we are again. Seasons change and so do my moods. I live in paradise now, sadly, it doesn’t feel much like paradise. I want to run away, leave all these unsettling thoughts, emotions behind me. Unfortunately, I can’t run away from my brain. I’ve increased my lithium and decreased my Lamictal. I’ll be right as rain soon. I know I will. Happier thoughts tomorrow.
To pull myself out of a deep despair, I wrote this in 2010.
Life is so precious.
Hang on with all your might, to the jars with fireflies inside.
To the constellations in the skies.
To tassels made of gold.
To rosy cheeked cherubs.
To the memories of old.
To the creeks where silver horses drink their fill of water.
To the azure skies and majestic clouds of home.
Don’t despair, life holds promises never broken.
Hope rises in your heart unbidden, never spoken.
Beauty may be skin deep, yet it exists or existed.
Pictures, yellowed with age, crinkled at the edges, yet they tell a story.
Your story, my story, his story, her story.
Framed in frames of gilt with etched spring flowers.
Bunches of lilacs, roses, jasmine, the hours.
Pain too is a part of life. You cannot escape it.
Breath and sinew and muscles ever contracted, uplifted.
Without knowing where you’re going, you must go.
Never leave the road, not for stones or the dust that arose.
Life, it is precious. How can you not know that?
Hang on to it, with strong hands and take firm steps.
Hope is your mantra, happiness a sigh.
Love, the destination, peace ever up high.
Trees, your soldiers, they will stand tall and strong.
Stars a twinkling, streams with sweet, clear water, gurgling by.
How could you forsake all these? Think of the gifts you’ve been given!
The menageries, the mansions, with bowers, your children, yes, you’ve striven.
Hang on, like the chrysalis inside its cocoon, the one that makes its appearance as the gossamer winged butterfly.
Belief, hope, love, they’re passed on forever, they never die.
This is not my house, this is not my home. I am a stranger living in a strange place. I want to go home. But my home has been sold and no longer belongs to me. I am homeless with nowhere to go. My heart is broken for the friends I left behind. For my park, for my balcony, for my beautiful home that we’d redone from floor to ceiling. My friends, oh my friends. It is a rupture, a tearing away. Where will I find such friends again? Like a sad wraith I roam around, hoping for some relief from the pain and emptiness but it never comes. I don’t cry because if I start, I may never stop again. Yes it’s purported to be a paradise, but as usual, I would rather have visited and gone home. But there is no home. Yes, the rooms are pretty, the.colors of the walls are nice. But when I reach to turn on a light, my hand meets nothing. I open the cupboard to take out some tea, there’s everything but tea in it. I look outside, instead of the beautiful tree lined parkway, I see strange environs. I am here, but my heart is 500 miles away. No one understands my mourning of my life past. I must bear my suffering alone. Yes this is a house, but it is not my home.
Summary: A novel approach combines an online psychiatric assessment with a blood test to diagnose bipolar disorder, a condition often misdiagnosed as major depressive disorder.
This blood test, alongside the digital assessment, can accurately diagnose up to 30% of bipolar disorder cases. It provides not just a faster diagnostic tool but also an objective insight into the biological basis of this mental illness.
Key Facts:
Source: University of Cambridge
Researchers have developed a new way of improving diagnosis of bipolar disorder that uses a simple blood test to identify biomarkers associated with the condition.
The researchers, from the University of Cambridge, used a combination of an online psychiatric assessment and a blood test to diagnose patients with bipolar disorder, many of whom had been misdiagnosed with major depressive disorder.
The researchers say the blood test on its own could diagnose up to 30% of patients with bipolar disorder, but that it is even more effective when combined with a digital mental health assessment.
https://neurosciencenews.com/bipolar-disorder-blood-test-24985/
Horrific, nightmarish, dreadful. Those are the words that describe my ketamine experience yesterday. Awful, horrible, ghastly also apply. I literally screamed at the top of my lungs. Mega panic attacks, feelings of doom and impending death, THAT! To treat anxiety? Where’s the sense in that? No more ketamine for me ever again. I don’t want to chop off my head to try to treat a headache. I’m thoroughly disappointed and upset that this treatment that I undertook with so much hope turned out to be so destructive and such an utter failure.
I do believe they gave me a much larger dose than I was to have. Hopefully by mistake.
I don’t know if after such a horrific experience if there can be improvement. I’ll keep everyone posted. unfortunately, hope springs eternal.
Right now, very dismayed and actually traumatized by this insane ketamine experience. Very disappointed.
The reason I stopped writing , the reason I stopped doing anything is this crippling anxiety that I’ve been dealing with. My world has shrunk, I don’t do anything I don’t go anywhere I don’t see anyone. Sometimes my heart feels like it’s going to explode in my chest. Sometimes my brain feels like it’s going to explode. Sometimes I just wanna sit and cry and never stop. And sometimes I’m so afraid about everything and anything that panic sets in. Tried everything, benzodiazepines, therapy, other meds, exercise, breathing, meditation, tried it all. Finally, I tried ketamine with such high hopes that this will bring me out of this anxiety disorder that I have developed. But it didn’t. Not only that I truly felt like I was going to die under the influence of ketamine. It was one of the most horrible experiences that I’ve ever had and I did it three times at a dose of 50 mg each time. Then of course I realized it was 2 1/2 times the dose that I should have been getting according to my weight so I spoke to my psychiatrist about it and he said yes it’s too much for me and if I or anyone gets too much then things actually get worse not better. Completely disillusioned I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t do anything for a whole year until yesterday I went back to the ketamine clinic and asked them to give me 20 mg instead of 50. I was met with some resistance but they did it. It was still awful going through it, the Ketamine experience is just awful for me, feels horrible, like I’m literally going to die. But today I feel like maybe the anxiety is going away!!! I’m walking around gingerly, hoping that this is true, hoping that monstrous thing called anxiety doesn’t take over my brain again. Hoping. If any of my readers are left haha, please Hope with me. This is funny, but I even joined a prayer group on Facebook and I’ve been asking them to pray for different reasons and of course I’ve been praying for other peoples request too and funny enough seems, that sounds crazy but it seems like that works. Anyway, if I am free to live my life without anxiety, I will be blogging a lot more, so see you all next time I.
A veritable portrait of someone with Bipolar disorder 😢 Obviously we don’t kill people, l just wanted to illustrate how having bipolar can destroy your life.
Sorry about the commercials, just go past the two commercials in the beginning and the show will start. It’s incredible how much this can be looked at as the story of a person with bipolar disorder.
lovely
Song by Billie Eilish and Khalid
Thought I found a way
Thought I found a way out (found)
But you never go away (never go away)
So I guess I gotta stay now
Oh, I hope some day I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can’t fight my fear
Isn’t it lovely, all alone
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone
Hello, welcome home
Walkin’ out of town
Lookin’ for a better place (lookin’ for a better place)
Something’s on my mind (mind)
Always in my head space
But I know some day I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can’t fight my fear
Isn’t it lovely, all alone
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone
Hello, welcome home
Whoa, yeah
Yeah, ah
Whoa, whoa
Hello, welcome home
I keep watching myself for signs that I have evolved. That I am more advanced now. That I am not making the same mistakes again and again. Unfortunately, the answer might be no to all of the above. I mean, it’s wonderful to look young, but to keep repeating the same mistakes, what do you think you’re going to live to be 299 years old? You don’t have that much time left! Learn, evolve, become a more mature person. Abandon your old patterns, learn to live with less drama and more peace in your life. Yes, I know I’m asking this of someone with bipolar disorder. Do it any way!
Bipolar1Blog 