1. You can tell when you had a manic episode by looking at your credit card bill.
2. Even though you live on your own, it often feels like you’re waking up with a stranger.
3. You have so many racing thoughts you should be a NASCAR analyst.
4. You don’t suffer from a sense of superiority – you’re remarkably modest for an emperor of all humanity.
5. You just realized people can drink beer for fun, not because they’re self-medicating.
6. Every morning you wake up thinking, “today is going to be a great day. Just not for me.”
7. Family members have mistaken you for the Incredible Hulk.
8. If someone is described to you as “moody” you think to yourself: amateur.
9. You eat fear for breakfast.
10. You don’t know the meaning of “psychosomatic,” because you can’t concentrate on reading a word that long.
11. Your cat would describe you as the aloof and needy one.
12. Your psychiatrist spends so much time balancing your moods she now has a side job as a professional juggler.
13. You remember when Prozac was cool.
14. When you’re down you watch “America’s Most Wanted” and cry out: “Why does nobody want me?”
15. Your depressive spells make you forgetful, which is a shame because if you thought about your manic stages it might cheer you up.
16. You wonder how someone who feels so empty can put on so much weight.
17. When you’re manic, nothing makes you angrier than someone suggesting you’re irritable.
18. Manic episodes give you a heightened sex drive, which makes it unfortunate you can’t maintain any relationships.
19. You can’t sleep at nights, which would be OK if you had more insomniacs for friends.
20. Your depressed self probably wouldn’t be so depressed if your manic self didn’t make so many commitments for it to keep.
21. If you could cycle as quickly as your moods, you’d be the next Lance Armstrong.
22. You meet the same person at two different parties and have to convince them you’re not your pain-in-the-ass twin brother.
23. Friends say you’re the life and soul of the party, but you avoid parties like the plague.
24. You’ve cried on the pizza delivery guy’s shoulder.
25. You’ve been told the warranty on your car does not cover existential crisis.