Having a wonderful time with my son, but…

I’m still in Buffalo, spending really wonderful days with my son. I am so happy that I am able to do this. We’ve had a graduation, parties, and dinners, and the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and movies and shooting bows and arrows, and wonderful conversations and meals. And I know I am one lucky mom because I have such a great relationship with my son!

But this Friday, I’ll be going back to Louisville, and that’s where the “but” comes in. That’s when I know I’ll look at all these pictures and miss my son very much and fear that something may go wrong and miss him, miss him, and miss him some more. Ugh… is that what being a mother means, or are my emotions more extreme because of bipolar disorder? I know some moms who miss their children just as much as I do and they don’t have even one symptom of bipolar disorder. I think it is just being a mom, you give birth to these helpless little infants. You heart just breaks seeing how little and adorable they are, you take care of them and love them unconditionally, your primary role is mother, at least for 18 years. Then they leave for college and your heart breaks for the absence of them. Of course you’re happy they’re on their way to an independent life, you wouldn’t have it any other way, but… and here’s that but again. But, as happy as you are that your babies are growing up, your heart breaks that you are not a family anymore, that you are no longer a hands on mom, and you miss your children no matter how old and accomplished they get, you just miss them.

Well, I’m telling myself right now to start preparing for the low next week, but also to remember I will most likely be back in July 🙂 so it won’t be too much of a low.  And writing this out helps, because it reminds me that nothing is as bad as my mind sometimes makes it out to be. Writing therapy! Also why writing a journal is exceptionally helpful. Here’s to all the moms out there who love their children, may we be loving, happy, and healthy, and so may our wonderful children!

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