Some re-realizations

Everything old is constantly new again. The realization that this hellish illness has stolen so much from me personally, it’s even taken my brother.

My marriage almost ended, and hellishly, I have traumatized my precious son because of this illness.

The five years I was on *Lamictal, constantly in hypomania, almost destroyed my life.

*Lamictal, the best new drug for bipolar disorder in the early 2000’s. Everyone was being put on it, including myself. Later they realized it only works for Bipolar 2 Disorder and should never be given to people with Bipolar 1 Disorder as it puts these people in hypomania. Yes I was one of the early experimental subjects, though without my consent. And being in hypomania for 5-6 years, imagine what that does to someone’s life! Nothing good, I can tell you that. So not only has this illness tried to destroy me but the medications which were prescribed to control its symptoms, those very medications have exacerbated the illness, made it worse, tested my mettle and my strength. Anyway, enough about that, I’m still here.

And I’m on the path to reclaim my life, reclaim myself from the awful effects of this illness as well as some medications.

I have lived in fear and constant anxiety for at least the last two years. I’m ready to let that go and really reclaim my life and myself. Let go of the devastation, let in the light and take control of my life.

I am on Lithium, have been since 2009. My mood’s been pretty stable except for the massive anxiety. Dealing with it.

I feel like I have to forgive myself for my behavior when I was hypomanic for 5-6 years while on Lamictal. I feel I have to let go of the guilt for the pain I caused my family, especially my darling son. And my dear husband. Of course they bore the brunt of it because I lived with them.

I will make amends. I will ask their forgiveness.

I will forgive myself.

And I will go on with as little fear and anxiety as I can possibly manage.

I will take positive actions in my life, not just remediate the negative past.

I have some very positive actions in mind.

The main thing is that like an earthquake, one feels the aftershocks days after the main one, well the aftereffects of being hypomanic for years last a long time as well. Realizing how one’s life was almost destroyed is horrendous, truly it is!

But moving past that is miraculous. It is pure strength and confidence. And that is what I’m working on now.

Wish me luck.

2 thoughts on “Some re-realizations

  1. I wish you luck, which you don’t need, really, my darling Lady S because you’re creating your own luck every minute. You’re a miracle. I send you lots and lots of love, Samina!
    You’re an amazing, beautful and strong, strong woman. Not to mention brilliant!

    Liked by 1 person

    • My dearest Dyane, how sweet can you be?! Thank you dearest Lady Dy, for this sweet, sweet comment. And believe me, your brilliance, intelligence, goodness, beauty and strength are as obvious to me as the sun in the sky. With tons of love and appreciation, Samina.


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