Depression and anxiety

I live simultaneously in the past and the future, so that is why I suffer from depression and anxiety. Always regrets about the past, always if only I hadn’t done this or I had done that. Always oh I wish I could go back there, I miss it. Contradictory thoughts, I know. But they seem to control me, not the other way around.

And fears about the future, what if this happens or that happens, what if this or that doesn’t happen? Oh my god what is going to happen? Fear in my heart, sometimes I just break down sobbing, wishing I didn’t exist.

This last year has been the worst as far as anxiety is concerned. I don’t know why. It could be hormones, my estrogen and progesterone leaves are quite low. We’re trying to get approval from my insurance company for an estrogen/progesterone patch. Let’s see if that helps.

I’m on Lamictal besides Lithium and Seroquel. In the distant past, Lamictal alone had thrown me into mania for all five years that I was on it. But this time I’m taking it with Lithium and it has not done that. In fact it’s improved my mood quite a bit! It was difficult and scary staring it again, but I’m glad I did.

So, I have a question for my readers: is it that you live in the past that you have depression, and you live in the future so you have anxiety?

Or is it your thoughts about the past that cause you to be depressed and your thoughts about the future that cause you to be anxious?

That is, what comes first? The thoughts or the depression and anxiety?

Kind of like a chicken and an egg question.

If the depression and anxiety come first then it might be an issue of medication primarily.

If the thoughts come first, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy May have a big impact along with meds.

Let me know what you think.

Also why can’t I seem to live in the present moment, really that is all we have and peace is found here? Why does my mind take me to the land of regrets and fears instead of leaving me in peace on the shores of the present moment? Is that because of my illness, bipolar 1, or because of severe stress suffered in childhood? I don’t know. I just know I wish it was not the case and I could live in peace.

6 thoughts on “Depression and anxiety

  1. You bring up many excellent points. All I can say is that causes of my depression & anxiety are so many; I don’t think they’re generated by only my past events and/or and future-related thoughts.

    I love you, beautiful Samina!!!!! XOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

    Liked by 1 person

    • Love you too, lots and lots ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
      And thank you so much for the comment. I hate both depression and anxiety and I wish we could eradicate them from the face of the earth! Definitely when Iโ€™m anxious, Iโ€™m afraid of whatโ€™s going to happen in the future or whatโ€™s not going to happen. And depression causes me to incessantly ruminate about the past. Ugh. Hate both.
      But love you lots. ๐Ÿ˜ป๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿฅฐ

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello there from Malaysia. My name is Faris and I have Schizoaffective Disorder, it’s like Bipolar Mood Disorder but with addition of schizophrenia (delusions and/or hallucinations).

    Yes, I do have thoughts about the past, and of future. I’m at the bottom now, when my past I was a successful student of my country and for the future, I don’t know whether I can work productively or even get job. To be honest with you, my body is so weak. I can’t maintain my work for longer than three months except if I work at the office. And my family is lower-middle incomers here in Malaysia. Hope you can shed some tips on how you successfully survive when you have this illness.


    Liked by 1 person

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