The reason I stopped writing , the reason I stopped doing anything is this crippling anxiety that I’ve been dealing with. My world has shrunk, I don’t do anything I don’t go anywhere I don’t see anyone. Sometimes my heart feels like it’s going to explode in my chest. Sometimes my brain feels like it’s going to explode. Sometimes I just wanna sit and cry and never stop. And sometimes I’m so afraid about everything and anything that panic sets in. Tried everything, benzodiazepines, therapy, other meds, exercise, breathing, meditation, tried it all. Finally, I tried ketamine with such high hopes that this will bring me out of this anxiety disorder that I have developed. But it didn’t. Not only that I truly felt like I was going to die under the influence of ketamine. It was one of the most horrible experiences that I’ve ever had and I did it three times at a dose of 50 mg each time. Then of course I realized it was 2 1/2 times the dose that I should have been getting according to my weight so I spoke to my psychiatrist about it and he said yes it’s too much for me and if I or anyone gets too much then things actually get worse not better. Completely disillusioned I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t do anything for a whole year until yesterday I went back to the ketamine clinic and asked them to give me 20 mg instead of 50. I was met with some resistance but they did it. It was still awful going through it, the Ketamine experience is just awful for me, feels horrible, like I’m literally going to die. But today I feel like maybe the anxiety is going away!!! I’m walking around gingerly, hoping that this is true, hoping that monstrous thing called anxiety doesn’t take over my brain again. Hoping. If any of my readers are left haha, please Hope with me. This is funny, but I even joined a prayer group on Facebook and I’ve been asking them to pray for different reasons and of course I’ve been praying for other peoples request too and funny enough seems, that sounds crazy but it seems like that works. Anyway, if I am free to live my life without anxiety, I will be blogging a lot more, so see you all next time I.