One pill makes you larger

And one pill makes you small…

As I have bipolar 1 disorder, I cannot take antidepressants. If I do I go into a mixed phase.

https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/mixed-bipolar-disorder

A mixed phase is something you don’t want to go into. It’s definitely worse than mania or depression separately. I know. I’ve been through many of them, for years I was erroneously given antidepressants. In fact, my bipolar 1 disorder was unmasked as a result of having been put on tricyclics, they pushed me into a full blown manic phase. I was Alice (the one in wonderland) people around me were various other characters.

So I have to take Lamictal as an antidepressant. I have a love hate relationship with Lamictal. Too little and the depressive symptoms will not abate. Too much and I start having manic symptoms. So it’s a very titrated dose. What makes it really fun is depending on my overall mood, the dose of Lamictal I need changes. So one pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small… It’s not easy having bipolar and trying to be normal.

For example, very recently, I lowered my Lamictal dose because I thought I was getting too up. But this time, quite rapidly, I started sobbing, and felt like my heart was broken. Even though Llamictal inhibits the uptake of neurotransmitters, such as serotonin, dopamine, and adrenaline. All these are“happy“ neurotransmitters, decreasing their uptake will cause symptoms of depression. Especially dopamine, which is colloquially known as the love neurotransmitter, however decreasing the dose causes symptoms of heartbreak. This is counterintuitive, but that’s what happens to me. Maybe it’s just withdrawal? Anyway, I increased the dose again and literally in a day I started feeling better. I stopped crying, my heart didn’t feel shattered anymore. Just playing the dosing game every few weeks. And of course, I’m on lithium, luckily the worst thing it does to me is make my hand shake. And also if my blood levels get too high, then my hair starts falling out. I really don’t love that. But rather than the major mood upheaval, I suppose I would rather lose some hair. Not the best, but possibly not the worst either. I’m sure all of you know this already, gentle readers, but where the concentration of lithium is naturally high in water, there is a lower incidence of mood disorders as well as suicide. So lithium is an incredibly amazing element.

Sadly, as my mood gets better, the poems go away.

PS

Found this:, sorry couldn’t find a reference.

People who experience mixed episodes often describe them as the worst part of bipolar disorder. Mixed episodes can be especially serious because of the risk of suicide, and symptom management and supportive treatment are important. The recommended treatment for mixed episodes is similar to treating bipolar disorder itself and typically involves a combination of therapy and medication.