Some things I wrote in a pretty severe manic phase.

bipolar disorder

February 24, 2012 at 2:28am

last time the tiger had me by the throat and was shaking me sinking in its teeth into my jugular, my life ebbing away, ebbing away

now it’s the black bars heavy and ponderous and impregnable that imprison me

there is no window in this cell, no light comes near this dismal dank place full of tears and heaviness

maybe I live in a black hole…

last time I screamed and kicked and struggled for help

this time i am so tired I cannot open my mouth and even if I could I have lost my voice

how does one live their life like this?

does what you are having for dinner matter when the darkness is choking your spirit?

does what time you go to bed have any meaning when the banshees are threatening to wake up the neighborhood?

Normal? How do you live a normal life?

I am surrounded by normalcy and efficiency and “perfection”, much admired by everyone

I too exist, I scream but no one hears because I live in a black hole and nothing escapes this black hole, not light, not sound

yet i did make a birthday cake today and decorated it with macerated, sherried berries

a piece anyone?

does anyone second guess themselves as much as someone with a mental illness?

did i say that because i’m depressed?

was that an over reaction because I am hypomanic?

Who am I? WHY ME???????? Why could I not have been NORMAL and lived my life blissfully ignorant of all of these issues. Yes I have issues.

Anger is definitely one of them BUT is it because of my illness? Anger and irritability are definitley a BIG part of mixed state bipolar disorder. But try explaining that to a friend you’ve just testily told to shut up or a sister who is offended because you said too bad her favorite singer isn’t dead. Just try to explain it to them Try to explain it to yourself even… are you sure it was because of your “mood state” and not just because you were angry? How do you tell? There is no blood test like a blood sugar test for mood disorders. There is no litmus paper that turns red under manic conditions and remains blue during the depressions. And anyway even if there was, would it be purple when you were normal, if you ever were normal…

Fuck tigers and black holes, fuck creativity and intelligence, I’d give my right arm to be stupid and normal and blissful just for one day. It does happen every once in a while and it is indeed a blessed event, something people take for granted day after day. They don’t have to live with extreme amounts of angst, anxiety, sadness, hopelessness, anger, over thinking everything, all the negative emotions. Why no joy? That’s a mood too, why can’t I have an overabundance of joy? Dancing brings me joy but now because of Depakote which makes my joints ache all the time I can’t dance a lot. Horrid medicine. Horrid doctor who prescribed it to me. Physically depakote makes me feel about a 100 years old. Emotionally I am doing better but not 100% better… yeah whatever you just have to live with it.

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