In the best of times, I am an intense person. But when I become manicky, my emotions, reactions, speech, intensity, and volume go up, way up. When I’m angry, I’m furious. When I’m happy, I’m overly joyous. When I argue, I do it at full volume, and will not really listen to an opposing viewpoint. I’m aggressive, I’ll say things plainly, to the point of rudeness, without really meaning to be rude in the least bit. I become extremely sensitive, I might think someone is attacking me (in words) and attack them (with words) in returns. If I think about being with a person who is like the one I just described above, it sounds like a nightmare. Anger, aggression, “attacking” people, arguments, all in a loud voice. Ugh, I think you might find that as the definition of the “psycho bitch from hell” entry in the Mirriam Webster edition of the dictionary! I wonder if all the poor psycho bitches from hell have bipolar disorder?
But the crazy thing is that after this manicky behavior manifests itself, I realize what has happened and I am full of regret, but by that time, my friends and family have already been exposed to this unpleasant behavior. Too late to do anything except apologize 😦
How can I realize that this is about to happen and head it off at the pass? If I could do that, I would consider myself almost cured! I have been on higher doses of Lithium and have been stable for a while, with some minor ups and downs. But major stress in my life will push me into a manic or depressive phase. And by the time I realize it’s happening, I have been somewhat extreme in my behavior.
I’m trying, I’m really trying. I don’t want to upset my dear friends and family, I don’t want to impose on them with my “insanity.” I want them to know how much I appreciate them and how much I wish for good things in their lives. I want them to know I am there to help them through thick or thin. Not the negative things that happen because of my illness and are not coming from my true self, My true self is positive, supportive and loving. Really it is. And I wish the banshee in me would fall asleep forever and never resurface.
To all my friends and family, with love, hugs and peace.
Please dear friends and family, the loud woman is not me
The angry woman is not me
I am peaceful, loving, positive
My true self, my true heart wishes only love and happiness for you
The anger and loudness come from illness
An illness that tests me daily
But an illness that I will conquer for the sake of all my loving and beloved friends and family!