The stress of seeing my aunt so frail and ill, stress in general, has me visiting the land of manic behavior again. My emotions are exaggerated, intense. My voice volume has risen several decibels. People are actually leery of me as I must seem like a crazy woman on the warpath. I might have terrorized one of my sweetest friends and my friend Madiha, who is actually a psychiatrist, was having a difficult time “conversating” with me as my intensity level was off the charts.
I’m sorry my friends, I don’t mean to terrorize you, sadly sometimes I simply cannot help it. I value everyone of your friendship. I know you’ve been patient with me before, I beg your indulgence now. These blips in my mood catch me off guard and by the time I realize it’s happening, some damage has always been done 😦 I know it’s time to increase the Lithium, and I am increasing it tonight.
I know my friends don’t have to put up with this, they can simply go find another more normal person with whom to be friends, someone whose reaction intensity doesn’t frighten them. I know that. I am stuck with this illness, on the one hand it makes me ultra sensitive, able to feel intensely, but it also makes me react just as intensely to seemingly innocuous things. Maybe it’s like PTSD, where a loud noise will illicit the same response as bombs going off in a temporally distant war had. Or in my case. the noise doesn’t even have to be that loud, I just react intensely and loudly to all things if you catch me in my intense mood. Damn this mood disorder. Difficulties in life are enough to try one’s patience but having a mood disorder which can throw your emotions, and behaviors off, make your friends afraid of you, cause you yourself untold pain and suffering… because, you know, people can walk away from you, but you can’t walk away from yourself, no matter how much you may want to… Lithium, yes time to increase the Lithium! All will be well.