Unseasonably cold here in Louisville, the radiators are on! Spring was here momentarily and it looked like summer was close on its heels, but the mercury has dipped and we’re wearing jackets again. I’ll be going to Buffalo soon for my darling son’s graduation from Law school, a dream come true! But how time has flown, with its wings of gossamer memories, flying, flying, hurrying into the future. Wish I could stop it for just a second, spend time with this son of mine, know he’ll be close and I’ll be close to him. But I’m being silly, of course, no matter where his young life takes him, I will not be far behind. I am so looking forward to his graduation, I’ll be taking lots of tissues and using water proof mascara, haha. I still think I am in my twenties, now he is in his twenties, and I am the age my parents were when I was in my twenties… well this is getting confusing, and I am simply writing to quell this anxiety that has all of a sudden arisen in my breast. So many days of no anxiety had me a bit spoiled, thinking “Hey it’s gone, the anxiety’s gone!” Yes it was gone for a bit, but now it’s back and I have to conquer it all over again. But I will, I’m sure I will. I have done it so many times before. The last time was the beginning of my play, when I thought I couldn’t learn all the lines, couldn’t memorize all the stage directions, but I did, and it became my most favorite play I’ve done to date. So I know I can do it, conquer, wage war against anxiety and win.
Where does it come from, this anxiety? What molecules in my brain, what second messengers in my neurons start the cascade that results in this ubiquitous anxiety?
Exercise! Tomorrow I’ll exercise and the endorphins will take care of it.
There’s nothing specific, just a feeling of unease, feeling ill at ease, about what? I don’t know, no real enemies to battle, nothing finite.
I’ll be fine. I am fine. My son is fine. Wherever he goes, I will be close behind, making sure he settles into his new life, making sure he has everything he needs, making sure a cleaning lady cleans his place once a week, lol.
Well isn’t this weird and sort of inane… just how I’m feeling, emotional, anxious and perhaps a little troubled, about what, what? The future? Time to read “The Power of Now” again. Eckhart always puts things right, in perspective. I’ll give my fingers and your eyes a break now and go read and meditate. And pack, pack for my trip. Oh and I got my hair bobbed again, love it, no anxiety there!