Still 

img_2274The series of events continue, sad and unbearable almost. You think you have your life under control, you get educated, you get married, you have children… but in the middle of all that you develop bipolar 1 disorder. Your husband is affected by it, your child is certainly affected by it, your life is affected by it. You feel you’re doing fine, but in the early days after diagnosis, you are anything but fine. Things get better but still you have major mood swings. Your husband is an adult and can more or less handle it. Your child, your precious baby doesn’t know why his loving mom turns into a raving banshee sometimes. Your precious son suffers and is traumatized. He is also extremely sensitive and has anxiety. How could he not have anxiety? My mother had and mother in law has major anxiety disorder, as does my husband and lately my anxiety is off the charts. So not ony did my son have the genes for it, he lived in a stressful environment. I loved him as much as anyone possibly could have and still do. But sometimes, as sad as it is, love isn’t enough. The effect my illness and my husband’s stress had on my baby was bad. He is angry at us and has a lot of anxiety. And recent events in his young life have made things worse. Everyone has told me that I visit him too much, so I am staying away. I am allowing him to learn from the adverse events and handle them himself. It is one of the hardest things I’ve done. My instinct is to jump on a plane, get to him as quickly as possible and give him lots of hugs and comfort him and tell him that everything will be alright. I cannot stop crying at his unfortunate circumstances, BUT I also know that he will handle it, learn from it, and be stronger for it. He doesn’t need his mommy to hold his hand, he needs to know he can handle life. So in his best interest, I’m staying away. Not easy, but I’m doing it.

Again, dear readers, send me your positive thoughts. My family needs them. Love and hugs for all of you.

10 thoughts on “Still 

  1. You sound like a wonderful mother whose love for her son shines through. If he made it through law school he is a strong, dedicated, intelligent, persevering and hard working man who can make it through hard times in life just like his momma does. Trust in his strong character to get him through this, Samina. Now you must take care of you. If you get sick that is only one more thing for your son to worry about. All will be well. (hugs)

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