Ahhhh… Not Again…

I thought I was done with all the abandonment stuff. But, tragically, my mind has decided to make a sequel to Abandonment the movie, this one’s called Abandonment 2. Very imaginative! Anyway, I don’t know why, but I’m there again, age 4, horrendously sbused (as in bloody, and pulverized) by my mother and totally abandoned by my father. it’s only as an adult that I guessed how I must have felt as a child, how my heart broke, in fact how it felt like someone was throwing knives into my heart, shredding it to pieces. The confusion and heartbreak I felt at my father simply disappearing one day, out of my life forever. No explanations, no goodbyes. Just poof gone. Child abuse is also abandonment possibly at its worst. And i was abused to make Attila the Hun proud! Anyway, having dealt with all this over the years, I thought I was done with all of it. It’s been put to rest I thought. Well gentle readers, was I wrong. Abandonment has made a stellar return of late. My posture: lying in bed all day. My outfit: my comfy LLBean pajamas. My makeup: streaks of black amid beige with a touch of silver. My heart, rended. My eyes swollen and my brain on fire. I am not worthy of love, I’m hateful. I’m ugly, I’m useless, I’m stupid, I’m too stupid for any one to love me, my heart aches and I can’t bear it. I can’t bear it. Possibly, this is happening because i saw someone who looked quite a lot like my father or more likely because my son is moving to Buffalo. I am so happy he’s moving for a great job. I wouldn’t stop him for the world. But my damaged brain is perceiving it as abandonment. God save us. When does this all end and when do I get some peace.

Sometimes with people’s childhood issues, I have heard that you can either heal each other or if one or the other person is not ready then you can actually harm one or both of the people. Let’s look at a person with abandonment issues and another person who is afraid from their childhood trauma and deals with this fear by running away, Well, that’s the perfect storm, isn’t it! I mean imagine a person’s whose heart has been broken because of abandonment. Now this person meets a person whose heart is full of fear, and this person can only alleviate their fear by running. Gosh! Abandoned and Afraid and running. Not a good combination at all. Heartbreaking on all sides 😢 Running out of fear in person A causes person B to feel totally heartbroken and abandoned again. And the ensuing clingy behavior of B causes fear and flight in A. Sadly, a perfect storm. And sadly an increase in bad feelings in both A and B. Somebody should open places where they find well matched people to work out their trauma issues. That’s a pretty great idea. Both people will come out healthier!!!

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