My mother was a narcissist, beyond spoilt. She got married when she was 20, in medical school. She had me when she was 21. I lived with my grandmother for a while. My life with my grandmother was Heaven!!! Then my mother took me back to a dark house with servants looking after me. I was 4 years old. The child abuse began then. Bloody noses, black eyes, black and blue all over my body. Once, my mother, in her insanity, beat the living daylights out of me took off all my clothes, pushed me out the front door bleeding, and locked it. Here I was a 4 year old little girl, standing outside ashamed to death. In my mind abject fear, anxiety, anger, but then of course “I did something wrong, I must apologize.” I had a lot of anger inside me against my mother, also guilt “It was my fault”. My friend Deb taught me to let go of the anger and to forgive. I did both, and had a good relationship with my mom for many years before she passed away. Forgiving her didn’t make my fear, anxiety and loss of myself go away. I realize now that I look for things to be my fault and then apologize for them. And if you keep on apologizing for things that probably aren’t a problem, people/friends think it’s very strange. . And as much as you are afraid and anxious about loss/losing friends, you do lose friends. You do experience loss. People don’t want to hang out with a freak.

But for 10 years it was my fault. She hit me, it was my fault. So, fear, anxiety and loss still live inside me. The overthinking, always thinking it’s my fault, and to mitigate it by apologizing. Does understanding this so starkly, does writing it down so plainly make it go away? I definitely need to heal from this. I see books about trauma, guilt, self sabotage in my future.

Yes, I cry for the baby I was. And my lost innocence. But I will be healed!