When I don’t feel well, I kinda live in the Cyber World.

Holed up in my condo, with my MacBook Air, iPhone and iPad… (And haha, no they’re not paying me for my endorsement.)

The better I feel, the more I am out in the real world doing things.

In fact, the inverse is also true, the more I am out in the real world doing things, the better I feel.

So, whenever the down period comes, remember, up and at ’em!

Remember, always tell yourself, come on, you can do it.

Cheerleading for ourselves is sort of necessary when mood d/o’s act up.
And I know this is harder than it sounds. Because sometimes no amount of cheerleading can have you getting up an at em… I know…

But even so we try. So to all my readers who need this as well, I’m cheering you on too. Right now!

It can be done and YOU and I can do it :))

Much love. To us all.

http://www.medicaldaily.com/ketamine-helps-patients-bipolar-disorder-depression-works-differently-among-two-308880
Researchers from The National Mental Health Institute (NIMH) at the National Institutes of Health have been studying the antidepressant effects of ketamine — a hallucinatory drug commonly known as “special k” — for years now. While prior studies confirmed the drug can rapidly reduce disordered symptoms, the latest from NIMH refines these findings to emphasize ketamine effects bipolar and depression patients differently.

“Our findings help to deconstruct what has traditionally been lumped together as depression,” Dr. Carlos Zarate, of NIMH, said in a press release. “We break out a component that responds uniquely to a treatment that works through different brain systems than conventional antidepressants — and link that response to different circuitry than other depression symptoms.” Zarate and his team were able to do this after infusing the drug or a placebo into 36 patients in the depressive phase of bipolar disorder.

When patients were on the drug and placebo, researchers could detect any mood changes on a scale of anhedonia (the inability to experience pleasure from enjoyable activities) and depression. Isolating the two helped researchers to see that ketamine triggers a strong anti-anhedonia effect sooner, and independent of, other effects. Specifically, researchers discovered levels of anhedonia improved within 40-minutes of patients taking ketamine compared to those who took a placebo; depressive symptoms improved within two hours.

As per the advice of my doctor, I increased my dose of Seroquel from 100 mg to 125 mg and pretty much feel like a new person, feel like my normal self. So happy all the emotional upheaval inside me is gone and I feel quite at peace. Lets hope it continues. Went out for the 3rd time as Maleficent, LOVE that costume. Might be Maleficent for the next few years to come!

Wishing everyone a “Happy Halloween!”

My doctor thinks my mood changes are the result of going off the Zoloft. Apparently SSRI’s and especially short acting SSRI’s like Zoloft, give people the most trouble when they come off them. And since I have been on Zoloft since the 1990’s, I have a feeling this is going to be a tough “getting off.”

The following are some of the symptoms you can have when you stop taking SSRI’s, (Zoloft is an SSRI, Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor): “Nausea, vomiting, indigestion like symptoms, abdominal pain, diarrhoea, constipation, loss of appetite and weight loss. Joint and muscle aches and developing a sensitivity to light have also been reported. Other side effects include dry mouth, nervousness, anxiety, headache, depression, insomnia, tremor, dizziness,asthenia (weakness or loss of strength), hallucinations, drowsiness, convulsions, galactorrhoea, sexual dysfunction, urinary retention, sweating, hypomania and mania, movement disorders, visual disturbances, low body sodium concentration and cutaneous bleeding disorders. Suicidal ideation has been linked with SSRI’s.” And specifically for Zoloft: “Tachycardia (increased heart rate, greater than 100 beats per minute), confusion, memory loss, aggressive behaviour, psychosis, pancreatitis (inflammation of the pancreas), hepatitis (inflammation of the liver), jaundice (yellowing of the skin and eyes), liver failure, menstrual irregularities, paraesthesia (spontaneous abnormal tingling sensations), thrombocytopenia (reduced numbers of platelets in the blood).”

Also found this in the literature:

“Potential abnormal synapse activity upon withdrawal of SSRI

Although the exact biological mechanisms underlying withdrawal associated symptoms is unknown, researchers have postulated that discontinuation events result from a sudden decrease in the availability of synaptic serotonin in the face of down-regulated serotonin receptors. Excessive long term synaptic serotonin, causes a down regulation of post synaptic serotonin receptors. There is also an increase in serotonin re-uptake transporters, due to long term blockage, resulting in an increased re-uptake of serotonin from the synaptic cleft into the pre-synaptic neuron. This leads to an overall decrease in serotonin transmission which may produce withdrawal effects.”

http://www.comingoff.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=13&Itemid=34

What a nightmare. If someone had told me this is what would happen if I went off Zoloft, I would never have started taking it in the first place. I bolded symptoms I’m having. Actually, except the anxiety, I think I am getting off pretty easy, I mean compared to all the symptoms I could possibly have, I truly am getting off easy! And as far as never having taken the Zoloft, I guess just like everything else, Psychiatry is a work in progress. No one knows everything. Drugs come along and are prescribed and when patients have been taking them for a while, it is found out that they don’t control Bipolar 1 (Lamictal), or discontinuing them is quite a big problem (Zoloft).

Well, I am to increase the Seroquel, which will help with the anxiety and depression. Fingers crossed.

Going to keep going to the lab, keep exercising, keep taking pictures. Keep doing ALL the positive things I can muster. Oh yes, keep singing, that is something i love to do. For my dearest husband’s sake, I will also keep making dinner.

Maybe I’ll just make some lemonade too. :))

Ok I called my doctor. Enough with the feeling bad. Enough of the crazy poems. Enough of being on the verge of hysteria. Enough. Can’t stand the pain in my heart anymore. Just want it to stop. Time to up the dose of X, Y, Z, whatever it takes to feel normal and fine again.
Day 3 in the lab :)).

What is it worth, my life?

Two Master’s degrees.

A Bachelor’s degree.

A marriage to a wonderful and very successful man.

A son, lovable, handsome. brilliant.

Friends.

Cats.

These are all part of my life, components of my life.

But what is the sum total of it?

What am I worth? The elements that make up my body may fetch you $3.00!

How much did I contribute to the world?

So what am I worth? What is the sum total of me?

Don’t feel good, probably obvious.

Probably because of stopping Zoloft, my brain is in withdrawal for the effect of Serotonin. I just have to withstand it for 6 months to a year, easy. That is when, according to my doctor, my brain will normalize and the withdrawal effects of Zoloft will go away. Until then, I live with these fluctuations of mood and feeling like a rag doll.

Did go to the lab today, have started in earnest. Waiting for a project. Maybe that will make me feel worthwhile, feel I have worth, feel I am worthy.

There are so many things bothering me, but I am not sure if it is because of my mood or if they are  really issues, so I will not speak of them here.

Just go on, put a smile on my face, turn off my brain and exist, live.

Although I never knew him, he died a year before i was born, in 1959, I am sure my maternal grandfather Ahsan Mohammad, was one of the (few) people in my family who did not have any mental illness at all. He was a gentle, pleasant, intelligent, loving, extremely well respected and handsome man. He was educated in Vienna, Austria and was a Barrister. He became a Deputy Collector and a Magistrate in the government of the Raj (the British government set up to rule India, at my grandfather’s time it was under Queen Victoria.) He and his family lived in Moradabad, Badaun, and Bareilly (so many names I see on the map, I remember from my grandmother talking about them,) and owned lands for 100’s of miles in all directions. My grandfather did not want to be a landowner, he wanted to be educated in the Western fashion and live by making his own salary, and he did. He was a very generous and extravagant man, he had no trouble spending money and giving people gifts! My grandmother would get angry at him for his “shah kharchian,” which means spending like he was the king :-)) His father was very stern and very regal and the perfect landlord. But my grandfather I assume, did not like serfdom and wanted to live by the sweat of his own brow… or rather the fruits of his own intellect. I’ve heard stories about what a well respected person he was in his towns by both the Muslims and the Hindus. During partition, (the time when India was divided into India and Pakistan, in 1947, and both countries gained their independence from England) if there were confrontations between Hindus and Muslims in his hometown, he would go out onto the streets and actually sternly tell both sides to put down their “lathis” (big sticks) and go home. His stern admonitions about how each of them had been the other’s brother would make the fighting parties hang their heads in shame and go home. He stopped riots and violence like this many times.  He was a remarkable man, a loving and caring father. ALL his children adored him and admired him. My Ahmed Mamoon had a great coat, a Chester he called it, that had belonged to my grandfather, it was made of the most luxurious, heavy wool and my Ahmed Mamoon wore it till the day he was no more, in 2007! My grandfather was very progressive as to educating his daughters. My mother of course went to Bhopal Medical College and became an Obstetrician and Gynecologist. My other two aunts also were educated and became teachers. My Ammi Khala, a Montessori teacher and my Amma Begum a middle school teacher. My uncle fell in love with a fair lady and instead of going to Harvard, where he had a scholarship for Chemistry, moved to Pakistan and joined the Pakistani army. The lady who ruled his heart had moved to Pakistan and so did he. He married her and had three daughters, my beloved cousins. He rose to the rank of Brigadier General in the Pakistani army, fought in two wars and then moved to the States. He lives in NY now.

My grandmother Begum Mushtaq Fatima, was a firebrand. My grandfather apparently used to hand over his whole paycheck to his wife and she’d run the household with it. Once my grandfather had invited some English officials and their wives to his palatial house for an evening party. My grandmother, who was a devout Muslim, had told him to have no alcohol at the party. But he, thinking the the English like to drink had a table set up with alcohol bottles for mixed drinks on it. My grandmother found out, she marched into the garden where the table was, and with a large stick in her hands, she smashed all the alcohol bottles to the ground. All the guests were aghast, my grandfather, however, just laughed and said “That’s my wife!” And that was his wife. A tiny woman with a huge will.

Later in her life, she mellowed out and along with my Ammi Khala, Mamoon, and Fatto Khala, gave me so much love and affection and care, that I now sit here and write het story! In fact, if this does turn into my memoirs, I am going to call it “Herstory” vs History, haha. Oh don’t worry, I know history doesn’t mean his story, that it is derived from the Greek histor, historia, meaning wise man, and narrative or history respectively.

So anyway, my normal, loving, mild grandfather and my intense, angry, hyper emotional (bipolar 2?) grandmother, produced 10 children and 11 grandchildren. And it seems that in some of us, my grandmother’s genes, like herself, were dominant.

More to follow.

Ketamine, made the levels of anhedonia plummet in treatment resistant Bipolar patients. And this happened in 40 minutes! Oh my gosh, if this truly becomes a therapy for depression, it would be a miracle for treatment resistant people. Oh my goodness, absolutely amazing!

A drug being studied as a fast-acting mood-lifter restored pleasure-seeking behavior independent of — and ahead of — its other antidepressant effects, in a National Institutes of Health trial. Within 40 minutes after a single infusion of ketamine, treatment-resistant depressed bipolar disorder patients experienced a reversal of a key symptom — loss of interest in pleasurable activities — which lasted up to 14 days. Brain scans traced the agent’s action to boosted activity in areas at the front and deep in the right hemisphere of the brain.

compared with those who received placebo — and the effect was still detectable in some patients two weeks later. Other depressive symptoms improved within 2 hours. The anti-anhedonic effect remained significant even in the absence of other antidepressant effects, suggesting a unique role for the drug.