Self soothing, I’m still working on it… When your anxiety levels, or fear levels are sky high, what do you do? Do you turn to substances to reduce them? Do you turn to people to reduce them? Or are you able to self soothe, and bring yourself out of the anxious, fearful, even panic stricken thoughts?

What is self soothing, you ask? Well it is the ability to soothe yourself! For me, it is also inner child work. It can be said that it is your “inner child” who is experiencing this terror or panic or anxiety. So you talk compassionately and lovingly to your “inner child” and soothe away the fear and panic, just like you would do to a real and beloved child.

Think about it, if your own son or daughter was having night terrors, as an example, you would comfort them, love them, and soothe them.

So if you are having anxiety, fear, panic, then you can also soothe yourself by talking to yourself lovingly and with compassion and understanding.

Most of the time this technique works for me, sometimes the panic and fear are so extreme that even though my logical brain knows I am experiencing very anxious, panic stricken thoughts that may be due to PTSD or extreme fear of something happening in the future, I know that there is no real evidence that what I fear will come to pass, if the fear and panic are too extreme, self soothing does not work, I then take some extra Seroquel and that mostly works.

If your past includes abuse, abandonment, and trauma, you can develop PTSD from having experienced these. The PTSD can be triggered by various events that you are experiencing in the present. This can elicit emotions you felt in the past as a result of the abuse or abandonment. These emotions can be very extreme in proportion to what’s really happening in the present. I’ll give you an example, my son decided to go to his friend’s house the night before his graduation from Law school. This friend lives across the street from our old house in a suburb of Buffalo. Some pretty bad things had happened when we lived there, so my mind immediately went into panic mode, thinking something awful is going to happen. That my son will get in trouble and won’t make it to his graduation. Also, as a result of losing my brother to bipolar disorder in 1991 (he was 26 years old), I’m pretty certain I have PTSD from that. That also got triggered and I had really awful thoughts about losing my son… that misfortune would take him from me the night before he was to graduate, panic, sheer panic. I called my son, texted him to make sure he was ok, but he didn’t answer. I fought my thoughts by telling myself I was having panic attacks and anxiety attacks and that my PTSD had been triggered. My rational brain was still working, but the irrational part was not listening to it. I spent most of the night embroiled in this panic and fear, until finally I took 25 extra milligrams of Seroquel, and went to sleep. In the morning I felt pretty awful, but I made myself get up, take a shower, get all dressed up for the graduation and went to get my hair done as I had planned. Then came back and called my son, who was fine and getting ready for the graduation. My husband and I went to pick up my son, helped him pick out his tie, and off we went to the Center for the Arts at SUNY Buffalo for the graduation. Everything went perfectly. Funnily enough, I had brought tissues for myself thinking I would be crying, but I totally forgot to cry because my husband, standing next to me was sobbing so much that all I could do was comfort him. My husband, the rock, sobbing! It was just one of the most touching things I’ve ever experienced.

So anyway, the hell I went through the night before was all for nothing. Was it because I have bipolar disorder? Yes, partly, we people with bipolar d/o are extremely sensitive people and things affect us to a huge extent. Was it PTSD? Yes, because of all the things I have experienced in the past and certain things that trigger my PTSD, things or events that make me extremely fearful, switch on my fight or flight response, and the cascade gets activated in spades.

My rational, logical brain tried to tell me my fears were baseless in this instance, but the fear dragged me along this horrible anxious, panicked path.

I wish I didn’t have to experience this “insanity,” I wish, you don’t know how much I wish, I didn’t have to go through this. But I do go through it. I just have to learn how to cope with it better, I just have to recognize it and take steps to minimize it, so my past doesn’t steal the joy and happiness of my present.

My son graduating from Law school is one of the happiest events in my life. I have had a tumultuous, abused, sometimes horrific life, but I am still here. I survived, I’m still standing. And one of the victories of my life is my son the lawyer! No one is more overjoyed than me that my son has a profession now that has given him the ability to make a wonderful life for himself. That is a huge victory.

I was talking to Deb, one of my best friends, about this, and of course being my best friend, she congratulated me upon my strength and perseverance, the strength that has allowed me to survive, standing tall and strong and now my son is all grown up and he has it in his power to live an independent and awesome life! I hope this doesn’t make me sound conceited, but I agree with her. There was a time when I  thought I was weak, but that time is gone. When my son was in trouble,  I stood by him like a lioness guarding her cub. I am so proud of him, and of course I adore him. And I am so glad I found the strength inside me to make sure that he succeeds and our family survives and flourishes.

I am strong! And this is a victory for my whole family!

May we all find the strength that is in all of us and may we flourish and live in happiness and love.

http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/why-is-nature-actually-good-for-your-mental-health

Have you ever come home from a day in the countryside and felt… better? Mood altered, anxiety soothed, mind hushed? It seems obvious that getting out of the clanging grind of the city every once in a while might be good for your mental health, but recently, scientists have been working out whether flowers, grass, trees and wild animals could be used to treat depression or anxiety.

The field of ecotherapy – the idea of connecting to nature to aid your wellbeing – isn’t new. In his 1984 book Biophilia, Edward O. Wilson put forward a theory that the affiliation we have with nature is rooted in our biology and genetics. Around the same time Wilson was writing, Japanese doctors began to prescribe forest bathing for optimum health. In Norway, 19th century poet Henrick Ibsen coined the word “friluftsliv” – meaning “open-air living”, which soon turned into a Scandinavian cultural phenomenon. But until recently, strong scientific evidence to back up anecdotal evidence that nature is good for your mental health was scant. That’s changing, however.

In April, Peter James and a team at Harvard University published a study into the relationship between exposure to green spaces and mortality rates. They studied 100,000 female nurses living across the US over an eight-year period and found that those living in the greenest areas had a 12 percent lower mortality rate compared with those living in the most built-up areas. To find out what factors might explain this, they collected information on doctor-diagnosed depression and antidepressant medication. Improved mental health, measured through lower levels of depression, was estimated to explain nearly 30 percent of the benefit from living around green spaces.

“We weren’t expecting the magnitude [of the results],” says Peter. Their results show that Wilson’s theory of “biophilia” is true: “That there’s a direct cognitive benefit and restorative quality of being in nature, that we’ve evolved in nature to enjoy being in nature.”

Peter is quick to point out this isn’t just about moving to the countryside. With 84 percent of people in the United States living in urban areas, the study suggests that small things like more trees in the street and more parks in urban areas can have a significant benefit for health.

I’m a nature junkie and that’s definitely something I can relate to. I’m obsessed with a pear tree that’s framed by my bedroom window, where I often work. At the moment, in spring, it’s foaming with cream flowers and bright Kermit-green leaves. Last year, my neighbour put scaffolding up that blocked my view of it. I was surprised – and a bit weirded out – by how much it not being there every day affected my mood.

But research shows that something as small as seeing that pear tree every day could have a real impact on my mental health. A recent report from Natural England shows that taking part in nature-based activities helps people who are suffering from mental health problems and can contribute reducing levels of anxiety, stress, and depression.

MindFood is an allotment site in west London, which runs courses in how to manage mental wellbeing. The sessions allow people with common mental health problems to work together, improve the garden, learn new skills and benefit from some gentle exercise.

Lucy Clarke is one of the MindFood’s clients. She came to the project after a depressive episode and wanted to find something local to do before returning to work. Some of the benefits of the course were practical: “Having a regular visit to the allotment gives me a bit of structure. It gives you a sense of purpose when you really need it,” she says.

There’s also something powerful about growing food in a natural setting. “You lose yourself in the moment, you forget everything around you when you care for something that’s bigger than yourself, and when you look more closely at nature, it’s a perpetual source of wonder.”

Working outside brings you out of your head and back into the world.

“Simply speaking, working outside brings you out of your head and back into the world,” says one of the project’s employees, Ed Harkness. Most of the participants in the project, says Ed, get referred to their services via their GPs, the NHS’s Improving Access to Psychological Therapies initiative, and other health practitioners. “The culture is changing and we are not alone in realising the significance of preventative care,” says Ed. “Whatever the weather, however small or urban the garden, the gardener is made mindful of the here and now. Having your hands in the dirt and repeating tasks such as weeding or planting focuses your energy and allows you the freedom to escape the normal background noise of thoughts and feelings.”

These eco-therapy projects sound great, but come at a time when our green spaces are increasingly under threat from residential development, building and the government’s decision to frack in national parks. “Open spaces are protected for leisure and ecological reasons but the connection for how valuable it is for our well being isn’t protected by law,” says Joanna Ecclestone, who runs a project in London called Potted History, which offers horticultural therapy to bereaved, isolated or depressed older people. Organisations like the Wildlife Trust are trying to redress this – urging the government to consider a Nature & Wellbeing Act, which would enshrine in law the need for green spaces to improve our mental wellbeing.

Elsewhere, ecotherapy and “biophilic” thinking continues to be on the rise. There are three therapeutic “healing forests” in South Korea (with 34 more planned by 2017) and, in Sweden, virtual nature spaces are prescribed for stressed-out workers. In Britain, don’t be surprised if you see ‘Vitamin G’ (green) or ‘Vitamin W’ (wilderness) on prescription from your GP someday soon.

Somehow the posting bug left me for a while and then I was busy with my son’s graduation from Law school, traveling to Buffalo, NY, planning the ensuing party, dealing with PTSD, anxiety and panic (more on that in another post) and being incredibly proud and happy that my son is a lawyer now and studying to pass the Bar exam!

But I think I’ve been bitten again and will be posting the 2-5 times a day as I used to, lol !

Yes I actually miss blogging, it is (usually) very soothing and calming for me, the writing of a post and the reading of other bloggers’ posts and commenting on them. I don’t read and comment enough, but I will do from now on.

Also, funnily enough, after becoming a blogger for the HuffPost, instead of encouraging me to post more, it (counterintuitively) inhibited me from writing posts. Whereas I decide what to post on my blog and it is instantaneous, that is not the case for HuffPost. Of course I understand, they have to read everything first and then decide whether or not to post something, and consequently there is also a delay in posting. And the uncertainty… I have never done well with uncertainty, never, so not knowing whether my post will be published or not is kind of a bummer for me. Anyway, I can’t really complain too much as I am a blogger for HuffPost and I am truly thrilled about that. Who knows, maybe the waiting will teach me to wait!

Well, just wanted to let y’all know that I’m back 🙂

The story before the graduation, it looked like there was not going to be anyone to celebrate with! My brother was supposed to arrive at 9:30 am the day of the graduation, they bumped him off his flight from NYC to Buffalo, and he couldn’t get another one. My sister missed her flight from LA to Buffalo due to a traffic jam, and couldn’t get another flight to Buffalo. My niece (the soon to be Cardiologist) was going to drive in from Philadelphia, and something came up so she couldn’t come. A few of my friends could not make it, and I had no idea how many of my son’s friends were coming.

The night before the graduation, my son was going to visit his old friends across the street from our old house and for some reason that triggered so much anxiety in me that I could barely breath. My anxiety told me something AWFUL was going to happen, I could barely breathe, everyone was asleep, it was me alone with my anxiety and panic, me alone against my anxiety and panic. I texted and called my son, but he didn’t answer. I cannot tell you the awful anxious, panicked state I was in… I calmed myself down, I took 125 mg of Seroquel instead of 100 mg. And went to bed, the next morning, I awoke groggy from the Seroquel, took a cold shower, dressed and went to pick up my son, he, of course, was fine! My anxiety does not run the world, has no effect on it whatsoever, just shortens my life, if anything. So off we went to the Center for the Arts at the SUNY Amherst Campus, where the Law School Commencement was held. I even got a few pictures of my son and his girlfriend backstage 🙂

I just put the thought of that awful, horrible anxiety from last night out of my mind, and attacked the day with vigor, elation and pride! My husband cried so much as my son passed us by in the procession to the stage. I thought I was going to cry, but I forgot to cry a lot because I was so busy comforting him, hahaha.

My brother, upon learning that he had no seat on his flight, got in his car at 6:30 am in NYC and made it to Buffalo for the Commencement. My sister arrived in time for the dinner the night of the commencement! My niece texted and talked to all of us from Philly. So it all turned out in the end. It also gave me ammunition against my anxiety and panic attacks, I can refute what my anxiety says, I can refute the catastrophization binge that my anxiety takes me on. Oh lord, please go away anxiety and never darken my door again!

So it was just life, and it all turned out fine, and I have to have faith in the life I, my husband and my son and all my beloved family have built. Yes my… our past has been FULL of tragedy, but that doesn’t mean our present and future has to be, or will be. So take that anxiety!

May 21st was a very happy day indeed! My son is a lawyer! He even got his grades today from this last semester, he got A’s and B’s in all his courses so he really did graduate! With a GPA of 3.5, pretty good for this silly boy, considering he hardly ever went to class, I know, I know, I told him to attend his classes, but… oh well, he graduated. The next thing on the agenda is passing the Bar exam. He starts his Bar preparation course tomorrow. This one he will not be able to miss at all, every second of this one counts, so he’ll be attending all two months of it and taking the bar in July. After that, an extensive job search, he is staying in NY State, but most likely not Buffalo. These are the first free minutes I’ve had for the last three days! We’ve had the Commencement at SUNY Amherst Campus, the dinner the night of at San Marco, the cocktail party the next day at Rue Franklin, the dinner tonight at Trattoria Aroma, lunch at Soupherb. Seems like we came here to eat, but all family gatherings happen while eating great meals! Companion means someone with whom you share bread, so there it is, we broke a lot of bread together. And had a wonderful time! Everyone was so proud of my son and his achievement, it was a happy, happy occasion! My husband and I are the proudest parents you can imagine. It is gratifying that my son is now in possession of a degree that will make it possible for him to have a wonderful career and life. Everyone wished him well, and brought gifts and blessings!

A few pictures are below taken with my cell phone. I took a million pictures with my Nikon camera, but forgot to bring the cord to download them onto my computer, so either I go get another cord or wait to download them till I get back to Louisville…

Being hooded!

How proud we are!!! How incredibly proud we are!!! He’s brilliant and he can do whatever he sets his mind to!! Our son, we are so proud of you and your achievement!!! 🩷❤️🧡💚🩵💙💜💙💜🩵❤️‍🩹❤️‍🔥💖💝💘💓💗💞💕♥️❣️😘😍🥰 <!– wp:embed {"url":"https

I’ve been sending HuffPost my old posts from bipolar1blog. The Clint Makarchuk interviews and the “Depression Help” post are both previously posted on bipolar1blog. HuffPost doesn’t care if it’s previously published, so I thought it would be a good idea to send it to them, and possibly get more readers 😊 

A slight problem I encountered is that 4 different websites took my Clint Malarchuk interviews and put them on their website without crediting either me or bipolar1blog. I think I’m going to have to sign these right on the post from now on. 

Thank you for all your support, my dear friends and blog mates. 

Love and hugs to all. 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9986656