This was lovely, a walk in Delaware Park, an urban green space in Buffalo, designed by Frederick Law Olmstead. I had such a lovely time there with my friend Deb. Thank god for green spaces, clouds, bisons and best friends!
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Feeling…
Feeling awful. Tired to the bone. Black swirls of abandonment, rejection, hot, red knots of fear in my belly, the “I am not good enough” refrain singing in my ears, all in all a pretty bad start to my day. How’s yours going? But something amazing happened. Just looked out the window, and saw my beautiful Buffalo clouds and a smile appeared on my face. Not the great Great Lakes clouds, but still beautiful cloud formations. Beauty, it does help and my Leo, sitting in front of the window, very intensely observing everything.
My son came back from hockey this morning full of excited stories about a man there who coached him and taught him how to play better. Now he’s gone off to lift weights, young and energetic! May he always be so. I had my coffee, going to take a shower, and meet my friend Deb for lunch. I must admit that at least just in this moment, in this one little moment, life is good.
My suffering is wholly from my past.
I learnt a new breathing exercise for the times when it feels a literal elephant is stepping on your chest and your eyes are faucets on the full on position. This emotion has nothing to do with anything that is going on in the present. It is a gift of the past, it has been stored in my heart, in my brain, and now has unwrapped itself. The unwrapping may have been catalyzed by some events in the present, perhaps by some similarities my brain noticed in the present to the past. But the emotions belong wholly to the past, the abandoned little girl, with a broken heart, an abused little girl, with the broken body. These are the gifts my past has bestowed upon me. I have unwrapped the box and now must learn to dispose of them. That is what the therapy, breathing exercises, Heart Math, (and more yet to be discovered techniques from the internet,) with all these techniques and my will to dispose of this unwanted gift, this curse, these drama queen emotions, my will to mend this broken heart, mind, and body, I hope I will succeed.
I blame nothing and no one in the present for this suffering, I know full well, this is all from my past. For some reason, the pain came fully into my conscious mind at this moment in time.
The Breathing Exercise:
Put your tongue behind your upper teeth and exhale with a whoosh sound.
Inhale to a count of 4
Hold your breath for a count of 7
Exhale with a whoosh to a count of 8
Repeat 3 more time. Keep the tongue behind upper teeth.
Stop with the self pity!
Me: I have a heavy burden, a very fragile one. With broken pieces, jagged pieces. I am tired, I’ve carried it all my life, World, can you help me bear it?
The World: No, I am busy, I am strong, I am shiny and new, I have no time for broken things. I have important things to do. Go on, go your own way, you are responsible for your self, don’t pretend to be weak, STOP with the self pity, go, go away, take care of it or not, I don’t care.
Me: Yes, silly of me to think I mattered. Self pity, is it self pity when the fear in you is so great that you are afraid you may not wake up tomorrow? But world, that is not your problem. I was born alone, I will die alone, and in between I will cope with my hell alone.
Maybe, hopefully, this is the lowest I will go, because, really, I cannot stand any more pain. Maybe this is the bottom and now I can only go up. At my weakest, I stand alone, and hope, and hope, and hope, for I have a most beloved son, whom I cannot leave alone.
Maybe I am just broken
This is a post by https://borderlinepersonalitydisorder99.wordpress.com
Just what I am feeling right now. Tired of trying to go on, always in pain, always a failure at everything I want to do, especially interpersonal relationships. Just very tired, and want to give up. Not asking for pity, please don’t feel any pity for me, just writing down my thoughts. I’ve never been diagnosed with borderline, but who knows, the sense of brokenness and hopelessness certainly is pretty pervasive in my heart. Sometimes more acute than others, but always there. Fight or Flight or panic mode, where I too live. Need to find a new home. These words hit very close to home:
“Who says I need to be fixed?
I suppose I do, really. Dancing over the shatterings of glass left after a childhood of abuse has proved not only painful, but that is the only footing I have. I cannot just walk away, unfortunately.
I suppose my hands can be fixed, but if I don’t use them to realign the pieces of my soul I will always be broken. “
Maybe it is time that I just accept that I am broken, that I can’t be fixed. I have tried for so long to put myself back together maybe it is time I just accepted ‘me’ the way I am and carried on with my broken and painful parts.
I have carried this pain for so long, blistered and sliced my fingers trying desperately to put the fractured parts of my soul back together maybe I should just give up. My coping mechanisms have gotten me this far, maybe I should carry on with them. Who says I need to be fixed?
I suppose I do, really. Dancing over the shatterings of glass left after a childhood of abuse has proved only painful, but that is the only footing I have. I cannot just walk away, unfortunately.
I suppose my hands can be fixed, but if I don’t use them…
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Well Adjusted or Damaged
For some of us, life is fun and games, lightness and happiness, do you know how lucky you are? Very! For some of us, life is a burden, heavy and dismal. Why are some blessed and some cursed? What determines which one you are? Some people are so lucky to be well adjusted and happy, while others struggle and deal with the heartbreakingly intense emotions of failure, and profound sadness. The crazy thing is that it can be as simple as all chance, your parents were sane and didn’t abuse the hell out of you, you are also sane and well adjusted. You were not as lucky, your parents were insane and subjected you to unspeakable abuse, well you are damaged. Is there truly a way to heal yourself? I will see. I am sure going to give it my all.
High Emotions and Buffalo
I am a pretty emotional person, and the emotions are intense, I’m working on it, truly I am. It’s very hard to live a life always with high emotions. Of course partly that is bipolar disorder, but partly it may be just who i am or the trauma I’ve undergone. Any way, I am in intensive therapy so I never bother my very dear friends. I am going to get these emotions and over reactions under control. As God is my witness, I will never be a drama queen again! (Haha no drama there.) Here’s the thing about us drama queens, firstly we make excellent actresses, and secondly we are not having emotional fits to bother other people. That’s just how intensely we experience things. If you think that’s bad for you, my friend, and I know it is too much for you, you should feel what we go through in this life or death way we live. Ugh. It is totally for the birds! And I am bound and determined to not be in the constant throes of life and death. Therapy is going to help me, I am assured by my wonderful therapist. She has done wonders for others and since I am motivated and intelligent and determined to change, I will change. I will Rewire the circuits of my brain, and create new neuronal connections that foster peace not drama. Amen. And peace. Oh please, I hope so, it is very hard, painful, and heartbreaking to live like this, and I don’t want to do it anymore.
Also, my trips to Buffalo will be few and far between after May 21st. That’s when my son graduates from Law school and moves to the New York City area, that’s his plan. And I will visit him there. So my Buffalo friends, if I have seemed insistent on seeing you, partly it was because I’ve known of this approaching deadline. But I am sure we will see each other, just no where near as often. I will miss you. But I am sure, our schedules allowing, we will keep in touch. Buffalo has been my home since 1972. It has a very special place in my heart and always will.
Depression: It’s Not Your Serotonin
Quite a revelation.
http://www.theepochtimes.com/n3/1245786-depression-its-not-your-serotonin/?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=Postcron.com“Depression is a serious medical condition that may be due to a chemical imbalance, and Zoloft works to correct this imbalance.”
Herein lies the serotonin myth.
As one of only two countries in the world that permits direct to consumer advertising, you have undoubtedly been subjected to promotion of the “cause of depression.” A cause that is not your fault, but rather; a matter of too few little bubbles passing between the hubs in your brain! Don’t add that to your list of worries, though, because there is a convenient solution awaiting you at your doctor’s office…
What if I told you that, in 6 decades of research, the serotonin (or norepinephrine, or dopamine) theory of depression and anxiety has not achieved scientific credibility?
You’d want some supporting arguments for this shocking claim.”
It’s just not letting me copy and paste the rest of the article. Please click on the link and you’ll be able to read it. Thanks.
I am so sorry!
Me on the right
Me on the right.
I learned something about myself, my brain is used to living in emergency situations, so I unintentionally create these situations for myself to live in. My brain got used to this when I was 3 – 4 years old and I started to be violently, physically abused. With bloody noses, black eyes, split lips. I was loved and adored in my life with my grandmother, two aunts and an uncle, till I was 2 years old. Then my mother graduated from medical school and reclaimed me and started physically abusing me. Pummeling would be the word. She had a lot of stress in her life and a lot of rage in herself, but instead of dealing with her stress, she became enraged at me for things like chewing gum and pummeled me into a bloody mess, with black and blue bruises to boot. I went from a loving, nurturing life to a life full of horrible abuse. I went from peace, calm, and love to never knowing when I would almost be killed. That is when my brain must have gotten used to living in live or die situations. And even now, when things are calm, or even not so calm, I idiotically make things worse so I can have the “fight or flight” response happening in my brain and can live in the familiar terrain of panic. The pictures above are of me when the abuse was taking place. How could you beat up that baby in those picture? Especially when you were the mother, mothers give their lives to protect their babies. My mother, whenever she felt like it, would pick up wooden boards the size of cutting boards, or high heeled shoes, or whatever came into her hands and pummel me with them.
It’s strange, but when I describe this, I feel nothing at all. Where did all the hurt feelings, the outraged feelings of the beaten child go? I am learning to mourn for the baby, the child, the young girl I was. And now that I have realized that I unknowingly create panic, I hope this realization leads to absolutely not doing it.
I know I have hurt my friends by doing this, one who was kind enough to message me on Facebook, I unfriended this wonderful friend, like a total idiot. I am so sorry! I apologize to my friends whom I’ve hurt. I know there are no excuses, but I am so very sorry and I hope they forgive me. Now that I realize my brain wants to create panic because it is the most familiar feeling, I will do my all to stop it.
Significant Number Of Young People With Undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder
This article talks about giving antidepressants to depressed people who actually have bipolar disorder. This is a very dangerous thing to do as you can push someone who has bipolar disorder into full blown mania by giving them antidepressants without a mood stabilizer. The 10% stats are for the UK, but I am sure it’s the same here in the US. In fact, I was just such a “casualty.” I went into a severe depression in the end of 1985, I was then prescribed antidepressants without any mood stabilizer, and in February of 1986, I started becoming manic, not knowing what was happening to me, I didn’t report my symptoms to my doctor. In the end of February, 1986, I started becoming full blown manic, out of touch with reality, and in the beginning of March, I was hospitalized. This was in New Orleans, LA, in Touro Infirmary. I was in the hospital for a month, finally being discharged when my psychotic (out of touch with reality) symptoms were gone. I will wonder forever what would have happened if i had not been put on just antidepressants. What if my doctor had put me on Lithium along with the antidepressants, would I then never have manifested bipolar disorder? What if… can’t live there. Must live in what is in this very moment and live as well as I can, because what ifs are a waste of time. The only thing that matters is the reality of what is happening now and we must come face to face with it and live with it with strength and equanimity. I may never know why somethings happened, and there’s no point in blame or anger… they did, and I simply have to accept that they happened and go on from here to make as good a life as I can for myself.
Around 10% of UK primary care patients prescribed antidepressants for depression or anxiety have undiagnosed bipolar disorder, a study has found.
Researchers from Leeds and York Partnership NHS Foundation Trust and the School of Medicine at the University of Leeds interviewed young adults from general practices in a study1 published in the British Journal of General Practice(BJGP).
Bipolar disorder often presents with depression and can be difficult to diagnose. People who have had periods of symptoms of high mood (such as increased energy and activity, increased confidence, over-talkativeness or being easily distracted) often don’t recognise these as significant and don’t tell their doctor about them.
This can lead to inappropriate treatment, such as the prescription of antidepressants without mood-stabilising medication, which might increase the risk of mood remaining unstable.
The study found that among people aged 16-40 years prescribed antidepressants for depression or anxiety, around 10% had unrecognised bipolar disorder. This was more common among younger patients and those who reported more severe episodes of depression. The study recommends that healthcare professionals should review the life histories of patients with anxiety or depression, particularly younger patients and those who are not doing well, for evidence of bipolar disorder.
Dr Tom Hughes, Consultant Psychiatrist at Leeds and York Partnership NHS Foundation Trust and the University of Leeds, said: “Bipolar disorder is a serious problem, with high levels of disability and the risk of suicide. When it is present in depressed patients it can easily be overlooked. Under-diagnosis and over-diagnosis of illnesses bring problems. Our General Practitioners are the greatest part of the best nationwide health service in the world. We hope this study will be of some help to them and to their patients in helping the better recognition of this important and disabling condition.”
Professor Roger Jones, Editor of the BJGP, said: “Dr Tom Hughes and his colleagues from Leeds and York Partnership NHS Foundation Trust recommend that general practitioners look carefully at patients with depression and anxiety disorders, particularly younger patients and those who are not doing well with their treatment. By reviewing life histories for evidence of symptoms this could provide people with better treatment and quicker recovery.”
