I have been invited by Healthline.com to Philadelphia to talk about my history of bipolar disorder and also to talk about which medications work well for me. Drug reps from Seroquel will be there, and if there is a poster child for Seroquel effectiveness, it is me! I’ll be there on October 21-22. I am so excited to be doing this. I had no idea what opportunities and chances would be afforded by my starting this blog, now that I know I am thrilled that I started it! I hope my story and my experience with Seroquel will be of use to the drug company, and it will help them design even more effective medications with fewer side effects. Especially without the poochy stomach side effect, haha. Well, wish me luck! And now I have to go read everything I find about the biochemistry of Seroquel, and also write down a short version of my long and always wondrous life!
The Wispy Wind
Ah the wisps and the winds
Buffeted here and there
Anchor me, anchor me, I don’t want to wash ashore
What is control?
One day brings sunshine, another rain, can’t you flourish in both, perish in both?
No one can control the weather, who decides your fate? You? Or the wispy wind?
Heaven aka Nantucket
Then there was the time when…
I was feeling really bad recently, it was all about my son being so far away from us. How we sold our home and moved. My mind kept telling me that parents aren’t supposed to do that, parents are supposed to stay put, kids are the one who are supposed to move away, and then when they want, come back home for a visit. I guess that is generally how it works. But when we decided that my husband would accept the job offer in Louisville, my son had been accepted at Albany Law School. We, at that time had thought that he would be going to Law School in Albany, so no one would have stayed behind in Buffalo. But as things turned out, SUNY at Buffalo Law school called him in Albany and told him he’d been taken off the waiting list, so he resigned from Albany Law and I went and got him from Albany. We scrambled to find him an apartment because there was a housing shortage in Buffalo and we were moving to Louisville in November. And then I got very sick, out of touch with reality mania 😦 So those were the circumstances that led to us leaving my son in Buffalo, which had been our home for 20 years. I had actually mostly lived in Buffalo since I was 11. It was where my son grew up, in our beautiful home in East Amherst.
Recently, thoughts of our home, thoughts of leaving my son behind, even thoughts of how my son is not here to east the dinners I cook, all those thoughts had me sobbing, feeling guilty, thinking about all the mistakes I’d made with my son and how I’d never be able to correct them. Basically, I was miserable, living in the past, heartbroken and acutely re-experiencing empty nest syndrome. Every morning I got up sobbing, feeling like my heart was breaking (that’s what empty nest syndrome feels like, a broken heart that your precious child has flown the coop), just negative, depressing thoughts. I wrote to my e-counselor and even she got really worried about the tenor of my email. She told me to call my doctor. I forwarded him the email and asked him for help. At this point, I was beginning to see that this is not just negative thoughts, this is a depression. After my doctor read my melodramatic email, he said the best thing to do is to keep talking to my counselor, this was not a psychiatric issue, it was a psychological issue. I was dumbfounded. I told him that I was so disappointed with his answer, that it basically meant he was not going to help me. After a few emails back and forth, after I insisted I was going into a depression, and these thoughts of abandoning my son, empty nest (again) and all the negative thoughts were actually attaching themselves to my depressed mood, he agreed to help me with my medication and gave me a few options of what to do and I chose increasing my Seroquel from 50 mg to 100 mg. And now, since I did that, I feel so much better. Yes those thoughts are still there, but now they are not destroying me, they are not breaking my heart, the intensity of the sadness and suffering has decreased.
Just a couple of points why mental illness is so difficult to deal with:
1) Imagine having to convince a doctor that you really had broken your leg, and you were crying from pain, not some nebulous psychological issue.
2) Imagine going to a cardiologist, who misdiagnoses you with coronary artery disease, and you look at your own symptoms and tell him the correct diagnosis is a tumor of the adrenal glands leading to over production of epinephrine (haha) leading to tachycardia, and you are right!
I realize that symptoms and descriptions of symptoms, and people’s opinions can be different, and that is exactly why mental illness is not only a bear to live with, it is also a bear to have treated.
#IStandWithAhmed
President ObamaCool clock, Ahmed. Want to bring it to the White House? We should inspire more kids like you to like science. It’s what makes America great.
Looks like the paranoid, xenophobic actions of a Texas school may just have made Ahmed Mohamed’s life. Funny, that was the name of my uncle, a word and numbers savant! I’ve talked about him in my blog posts. But now it’s time to talk about Ahmed, the 9th grader who brought a clock he had made to school, and got arrested because a teacher called the police, claiming it was a bomb. Well he was released, and no charges are to be filed, however the police do, now, have his fingerprints. The police chief said that “… there was no support for the perception that Ahmed meant to create alarm”. Maybe the “alarm” he did create with his clock was to wake up America, to wake up from discrimination, xenophobia, and fear.
However, ironically enough, this incident has opened doors for Ahmed that before were not open. For example, the door of the White House! President Obama has invited him to the White House, MIT is preparing to invite him for a visit. Mark Zuckerberg has invited him for a tour of Facebook, and Jaime Casap of Google has issued an invitation. Well I like this kind of irony, I hope this bright 9th grader will leave the arrest behind and now embrace all these amazing opportunities that are being offered to him. I hope one of these opportunities makes his like!
So I went to the dentist today, and they gave me WHAT? Epinephrine!?
Yes, so I went to the dentist today to get a regular cleaning. First time in Louisville. Yes, I know, I’ve been ignoring my dental health since we moved here… so anyway, I thought it’s time to remedy that. This was the first time I’d been to this dentist. Some chiding for not having gone to the dentist in a while, x-rays, a regular cleaning, and I’d be on my way, or so I thought. On the first visit, they just took x-rays and sent me home. On the second visit, they said they were only going to clean the teeth on my right side. They said they were going to give me an anesthetic, so the deep cleaning they were going to give me wouldn’t hurt. Ok. First they swabbed some anesthetic on my gums. Then they injected some short acting anesthetic, sticking me SIX times. Then they injected long acting anesthetic, sticking me another SIX times, this was to avoid pain??? After the long acting injections, my heart started to race like I’d run a 20 second mile! I told them I was having an adverse reaction as my heart was racing and I was feeling very jittery, deep breath. They very calmly informed me that that was the epinephrine in the long acting anesthetic to constrict the blood vessels so the anesthetic wouldn’t diffuse away. Epinephrine!!!!!???? They very calmly told me, that what I was experiencing was the fight or flight response in response to said epinephrine! Deep breaths, deep breaths. I said “You gave me what? Epinephrine? Do you know I have bipolar d/o, and the last time I was given epinephrine (in the form of Wellbutryn,) I has MASSIVE panic attacks!?!” I had written down in my history forms that I had bipolar disorder. They obviously didn’t read those. Giving someone with bipolar disorder epinephrine… really? This is a neurotransmitter, as such, it has effects on the brain, and the effect it has on my brain is a very undesirable one, namely severe panic attacks! They said “Oh well, it is a minuscule dose.” Well their minuscule dose had my heart racing and anxiety coursing through my brain and body. Luckily, oh so luckily, I didn’t have a full on panic attack, just anxiety, jitteriness, shaking muscles, and a deep desire to flee from there. I sat through the cleaning of the teeth on my right side, shaking and jittery. The left side is to be cleaned on October 8th. I’m canceling that appointment and finding myself a dentist who doesn’t even know what epinephrine is!
For cleaning my teeth, to avoid pain, they gave me topical anesthetic, short acting (six needle sticks) and long acting (six needle sticks) anesthetic and THREE appointments! Are they freaking out of their minds? Who does that? I’ve been having my teeth cleaned forever, and never have I been subjected to this, what do I call it but, craziness! I am still sitting here, shaking and jittery, and this is after almost 12 hours!
For god’s sake, how do you know what you are going to be subjected to? I thought I was going for a routine cleaning and then this… if he had told me he was going to give me epinephrine, I would immediately have disabused him of that notion. Before leaving, I did tell him that I had filled out forms in which I has written down that I had bipolar d/o. And that to give someone with bipolar d/o epinephrine is never a good idea, except maybe if they are going into anaphylactic shock, then it is a matter of life and death. I told him that the brains of people who have bipolar d/o are very sensitive and cannot be subjected to neurotransmitters, it can have catastrophic consequences, like the onset of mania. Now I am sitting here, checking every few minutes on myself, to make sure I have not been thrown into a manic phase. I don’t think so, but my heart rate is still up and my muscles are still shaky. Hopefully, I’ve dodged a bullet, a bullet that came out of a dentist’s syringe. And hopefully, now they will read history forms and inform people of what they are injecting into them before they actually inject it. Of course, I will keep monitoring myself, unbelievable as it sounds, for signs that a manic phase is on its way. I feel like an innocent bystander, who has just been run over by an 18 wheeler. Just need to calm down. Deep breaths. And plan my day tomorrow, some concrete, calming things and get some sleep. And never go anywhere near this dentist’s office again.
And to all of my blog mates, please be careful, we people with sensitive biochemistries have to be very careful who gives us what where.
Just a note: Epinephrine is a neurotransmitter and has effects on the brain and also on the body, such as making our hearts race when the fight or flight response is elicited. The reason it is called epinephrine is this: EPI means on top of, NEPHRINE refers to the kidney. It is made by the adrenal glands that sit on top of the kidney, therefore EPI-NEPHRINE. It is also called Adrenalin, because it is made by the adrenal glands. So epinephrine and adrenalin are the exact same thing. Another related molecule is norepinephrine, which is also called noradrenalin. Just FYI 🙂
Increased Seroquel dose, yes, under my doctor’s supervision.
Increased my dose of Seroquel from 50 mg to a 100 mg. Emotionally, feel better already. The pain is almost gone. My heart doesn’t ache so much. Physically, feel dizzy and tired. Mentally, feel about as sharp as a lump of dough. But the physical and mental issues will resolve in a few days and hopefully the emotional symptoms will stay away and I can be at peace in my own skin. I won’t be crying and heart broken over every thing that reminds me of my son or every thought I have about him. That’s what happens when you feel bad, thoughts attach to the bad feelings and then it’s a downward spiral if you don’t stop it with medication. If I’m not already feeling bad, mood wise, I can control my thoughts. But when my mood plunges, it takes me along for a nightmarish and painful ride into hell. That’s when Zoloft used to help. Now it’s Seroquel. And in a few days, I hope, I will be as right as rain, the distilled water kind, not the acid variety. Here’s to another day in our lives. May we get what we want and want what we get and live happily ever after. Well, who knows, somewhere, someone must be living a fairytale life!
Story Corp
Just found out about this thing called Story Corp. Such a great idea. We can all do this for our blogs as well, interview people, relatives, friends, and post the interviews on our blogs.
https://storycorps.me
HOW IT WORKSChoose someone to interview.
Pick great questions. Find a quiet place to record. Listen closely.
When you’re finished, share your interview with the world.
Help create an archive of the wisdom of humanity.
Not feeling the best
but trying to do things to make myself feel better. The old familiar sadness, is there a reason? The tears, is it the season? The hollow, emptiness. The negative thoughts, the heaviness, yes this is what I was afraid of now that I can’t take antidepressants. Now what do I do? Let’s see what my psychiatrist pulls out of his hat now. Contacted him, haven’t heard back. Don’t like to feel bad, I have people to see, places to go and cooking to do. Haha. The sunglasses are not just to look cool, they stop you from crying from the shallot vapors. Crying, been doing much too much of that already. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make illness disappear. Sorry, I know this post is totally uninspired. Promise I’ll write a better one soon. 
World suicide prevention day.
This candle is burning in my window for my beloved brother Farooq and all those lost to suicide.
