“I am still here, I am still here.” Again Manic phase… but Sheer Strength!

I am still here, I am still here

November 18, 2013.
Oh my beloved ones, I am still here, not gone and out of your lives, just a little farther away, but I am still here for all of you, for each and every one of you, I am still here

Not exactly where I want to be
If home is where the heart is then Buffalo is my home
Soon I will be stronger and I will be back with love and grace
This loss, this heartbreak, this ripping and shredding of the fabric of my life
will only make me stronger, will only make me glue all the shreds back with a stronger bond. I will never give up despite the agony and the fear and pain I have felt, this immense discomfort is a gift to me, making me realize what is important to me, I am stronger and more focused because of it. I will heed the message my pain has delivered to me
and I will return, shining like the internal star that guides me
I will return to my home, to my son, my nephew, my uncle and all my beloved friends
Life leads me down strange new, unknown paths, makes me quake and scream in fear and pain, but it will not beat me
It is I who will choose which path I walk on, nothing else, no one else will choose it for me
Not many understand how this upheaval has affected me, me with an affective disorder
How my heart is broken into shards of glass that cut me and make me bleed and cry tears of blood and make me scream like a banshee hurling insults and epithets at people I love
My little house, where my heart still lives, abandoned and empty not understanding where all the people who loved her are gone
Fear and loss are my companions now but only for a little while, soon I will smile
Hope dawns and the sun shines bright on my face and tells me I am alive and have hope and grace
I will get over this and be strong and vibrant and alive and I will make a life for myself that is of my own choosing and no one else’s
Even now I make it

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