December 29, 2009
feeling forlorn and lonely
I have been to hell and back so many times I’ve lost count
feeling restless and agitated
every time this happens I lose days and days of my life
is it really fair that most other people waltz through life while I do a tortured dance in hell?
what’s the good in it?
nothing that I can see
words and deeds that hurt everyone come out of my mouth and my hands
losing myself, oneself is what most people take for granted, while I cannot, I can lose myself; lost in the dark at the precipice of a steep cliff
falling would mean only pieces of me would survive
not being able to take even myself for granted is a bone chillingly frightening thought
yet I live with it and every time it happens I hope it is the last
however it never is the last, there is always the next loss of myself waiting, silently, stealthily in the wings
I tell it to let me go but it won’t
it has me by the jugular like a tiger does its prey and it drags me and thrashes me about just like a tiger does to its prey
will I ever be free?
Is freedom only in death?
I have days and years to live yet
how can I appease thid cruel, unfeeling tiger god
what must I take to the shrine to so it will be appeased and let me be
where in the world is the shrine even located?
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