“Tiger” again in manic phase.

December 29, 2009

feeling forlorn and lonely
I have been to hell and back so many times I’ve lost count

feeling restless and agitated

every time this happens I lose days and days of my life

why me?

is it really fair that most other people waltz through life while I do a tortured dance in hell?

what’s the good in it?

nothing that I can see

words and deeds that hurt everyone come out of my mouth and my hands

losing myself, oneself is what most people take for granted, while I cannot, I can lose myself; lost in the dark at the precipice of a steep cliff

falling would mean only pieces of me would survive

not being able to take even myself for granted is a bone chillingly frightening thought

yet I live with it and every time it happens I hope it is the last

however it never is the last, there is always the next loss of myself waiting, silently, stealthily in the wings

I tell it to let me go but it won’t

it has me by the jugular like a tiger does its prey and it drags me and thrashes me about just like a tiger does to its prey

will I ever be free?

Is freedom only in death?

I have days and years to live yet

how can I appease thid cruel, unfeeling tiger god

what must I take to the shrine to so it will be appeased and let me be

where in the world is the shrine even located? 

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