January 27, 2011.
In the hope that you may understand
Again I am drowning in it suffocating in it.
Again the shroud of darkness is upon me.
Hypomania, mania, depression.
They all play with my life at will and leave me listless as a dead drooping flower.
I have no control, when the hellish inferno of anger envelops me, I have no control.
When the bottomless, empty, deathly dark well of depression swallows me I have no control.
When fear overcomes me as though I am lost in a long abandoned ruin where there is no sight or sound only little rodent feet scurrying.
When I shed a million tears of sadness from the inexhaustible stores that are in me.
Yet they don’t understand, I know everyone loves me but they say “Oh get over it”, “You’re stronger than that”, “It’s not important”
Would I not get over it if I could? Do you think?
It is important, I am not stronger than this illness is, I fight it over and over yet the blighted thing always comes back.
Lithium brings me out of it yet it damages my kidneys, makes my hair fall out, ruins my skin, causes GI damage…
Seroquel brings me out of it yet makes me go from mania to an empty, horrifying depression, where the emptiness is so painful that I cannot get out of bed…
My muscles ache, my hands have tremors, my eyesight is shot. If I was on Trilifon I’d have a mask like face as well with no expression whatsoever and tardive dyskinesia and massive restlessness.
Do I just get over all this, does it sound easy to do?
In everyone’s eyes I may be a failure or a mediocrity, but I know what I have gone through and what I have overcome and it has not been easy.
This is not a complaint, it’s just out of my need to be understood, it’s just in the hope that you will understand.