I wrote a whole post just now and all of a sudden my iPad went black and I lost all of it. Well maybe that’s an omen for not writing about this subject, but since I don’t believe in omens, I’m starting all over again.
It’s about somebody else’s post that I read. It was easily one of the most horrific things I have ever read about in my life. This person also has bipolar disorder and they were writing about their family. What I read about, abuse, alcoholism, extreme violence, was so horrific that I was literally left speechless and I couldn’t even post a comment.
When I started this blog, it was to bring attention to mental illness. I was basically saying that if a person like me could have mental illness, then anyone could. And yes, anyone can. The purpose was to remove the stigma from mental illness. The purpose was to come out of hiding and talk about this illness. The purpose was for people to stop suffering in silence and hiding the fact that they have mental illness. If I break my rib (which I did once) I get get well cards and flowers and gifts. Do I when I get sick with either a depressive or manic phase? No I don’t. Not a complaint, just an observation. I know there can be horrific occurrences in families where mental illness is prevalent, I mean just look at movies that Hollywood produces. In reality, mentally ill people perpetrate much, much less violence than the “normal” population. But that’s not the point. The point is that this post form a blog written by a bipolar person was so incredibly disturbing that I literally feel traumatized by it. I apologize abjectly if I made anyone feel awful after they read any of my posts!
I mean, on the one hand, it was so violent and heinous that it is making me rethink my decision to have started my blog. On the other hand, there was so much strength and, amazingly enough, love and grace in it, that it seems to vindicate blogs about mental illness, even if they are extremely disturbing.
I don’t know. I feel upset and confused. I am not a dark person. I am a light, go and get em, never give up, the glass is always half full, dancing, flower loving, Zumba dancing, laughing, joking kind of person, normally, with a little hint of Lucille Ball thrown in. This abject darkness is a bit too much for me to handle. Isn’t the road to hell paved with good intentions, and I had so many good intentions when I started this blog.
I think for a while I will not be reading anything that looks the least bit depressing and for a while I will write only about the science of mental illness. That’s nice and happy, right?