Me: I have a heavy burden, a very fragile one. With broken pieces, jagged pieces. I am tired, I’ve carried it all my life, World, can you help me bear it?
The World: No, I am busy, I am strong, I am shiny and new, I have no time for broken things. I have important things to do. Go on, go your own way, you are responsible for your self, don’t pretend to be weak, STOP with the self pity, go, go away, take care of it or not, I don’t care.
Me: Yes, silly of me to think I mattered. Self pity, is it self pity when the fear in you is so great that you are afraid you may not wake up tomorrow? But world, that is not your problem. I was born alone, I will die alone, and in between I will cope with my hell alone.
Maybe, hopefully, this is the lowest I will go, because, really, I cannot stand any more pain. Maybe this is the bottom and now I can only go up. At my weakest, I stand alone, and hope, and hope, and hope, for I have a most beloved son, whom I cannot leave alone.
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May your son always be your shining light and guide, as he should be.
Interestingly, when mine revealed that he was only pretending, the first thing that crossed my mind was, well, my only tie to this world is gone, so it’s only a matter of putting my affairs in order. As time has passed, it is still a bitter pill, and I still wonder why everything I have worked so hard for has been torn away from me. But being at my core a stubborn person, I have decided to live for myself, as an experiment, and see how it feels. No commitment, mind you. Completely open ended. Now all I want is to get the hell out of Texas. It’s a damned big state. Enjoy your son!!!
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Thank goodness you are stubborn! Living for yourself is so self sufficient and a thing I aspire to. I adore my son but of course, sometimes we try each other’s patience, but I do enjoy him. Take good care of your self. I’ll call you tomorrow. XOXOX
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