My suffering is wholly from my past.

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I learnt a new breathing exercise for the times when it feels a literal elephant is stepping on your chest and your eyes are faucets on the full on position. This emotion has nothing to do with anything that is going on in the present. It is a gift of the past, it has been stored in my heart, in my brain, and now has unwrapped itself. The unwrapping may have been catalyzed by some events in the present, perhaps by some similarities my brain noticed in the present to the past. But the emotions belong wholly to the past, the abandoned little girl, with a broken heart, an abused little girl, with the broken body. These are the gifts my past has bestowed upon me. I have unwrapped the box and now must learn to dispose of them. That is what the therapy, breathing exercises, Heart Math, (and more yet to be discovered techniques from the internet,) with all these techniques and my will to dispose of this unwanted gift, this curse, these drama queen emotions, my will to mend this broken heart, mind, and body, I hope I will succeed.

I blame nothing and no one in the present for this suffering, I know full well, this is all from my past. For some reason, the pain came fully into my conscious mind at this moment in time.

The Breathing Exercise:

Put your tongue behind your upper teeth and exhale with a whoosh sound.

Inhale to a count of 4

Hold your breath for a count of 7

Exhale with a whoosh to a count of 8

Repeat 3 more time. Keep the tongue behind upper teeth.

9 thoughts on “My suffering is wholly from my past.

  1. What would it feel like if your mother were to come to you and say, “I’m so sorry for everything I did, knowingly or unknowingly, to hurt you, to cause you pain and injury. I want you to know that even though I did those things because I was ill, that does not excuse the suffering I put you through. I deeply regret this, and I know it can never be undone, and all of it was my fault, my fault alone. Can you ever forgive me?”

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    • I did forgive her and we had a very loving and good relationship for many years before she passed away. Yes, those words would resonate with me. But Laura, it’s the pain in my heart that has to go away. I think therapy will be the thing and maybe yoga and breathing. Thank you Laura for thinking of me!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Samina, I asked you that because I wonder what I would feel if my own mother asked forgiveness. I don’t know if I could forgive her in my heart, as you say. The damage is too deep, and she would never ask forgiveness anyway, because she believes that I was the one who damaged her. May we all be healed, and very soon! The world is a tough place to live…I personally don’t believe that forgiveness actually heals. I think they are separate: forgiveness is one thing, and healing is another. If that makes any sense at all…

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      • In my first full blown manic phase, I had demanded an apology from my mother, and she had dissolved into tears of self pity. Yet I forgave her years later. But I so agree with you, forgiveness is not the same as healing. Forgiveness is definitely better than rage and revenge fantasies, but healing is something that happens in your heart, I don’t know how yet, but I am hoping to find out. Thank you Laura, and yes may we all be healed!

        Liked by 1 person

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