As some of you may have noticed, I have not been blogging much of late. The reason you ask? Well the reason is anxiety. I have somehow developed an anxiety disorder, I awaken with what I can only describe as an anxiety or panic attack. Then I have to spend some time talking myself out of the anxious, fearful, panicked thoughts. Let me assure you this is not a fun way to start my day. The thoughts are always about my son. He recently became a lawyer, and passed the NYS Bar exam. He had found a job but it turns out the boss was the boss straight from hell, so my son had to leave this position. His boss said some extremely disgusting things to him. I’m pretty sure this man is a lunatic and a sociopath. I’m just sorry my son’s first experience as a lawyer was so awful.
He is still living in Buffalo, and I am in Louisville. He is looking for another job, and I am very worried about him finding said job. All the advertised jobs are asking for 2 – 8 years of experience. Not many entry level jobs are advertised at all. So that is worrisome.
He lives alone, and that is very worrisome to me. His girlfriend moved back to NYC to live with her family and although they are adorable together, it’s a long distance relationship.
I so wish we lived in the same city, a few miles away from each other, so if he needed anything, we would be there.
My heart breaks that I made this child of mine and now I have left him alone to fend for himself. I don’t like it. Everyone tells me that he has to live by himself to learn to be independent. I don’t like it. Yes I want him to be independent, but I also don’t want to be 600 miles away from him.
I keep telling myself that he is fine, that he is capable of taking care of himself, but I’m not really sure about that. I just keep telling myself he will be fine, and forcing myself to believe it. Trying to believe it. I want this awful anxiety and worry to go away. I’ve tried Ativan, it didn’t help that much.