Posts

1 Comment Posted on Posts

Questions I answered by mistake…

I thought these were the questions I was supposed to answer for the Leibster Award, but they weren’t. They were the questions that Moze Pray at http://mozepray.com/ answered, she nominated me for the award. I’m posting them anyway!

1.Which is your favourite room in your house/apartment?

My favorite room is my Master Bathroom lol! It’s recently been gutted and redone and I picked white marble, espresso (dark brown) wood vanity and medicine cabinet and mint green walls and accents. It’s really amazing! The rain shower has a window in it!! The second favorite room is my kitchen, also totally gutted and redone, more on that later haha.

2. Who made the greatest difference in your life – good or bad?

This has to be three people for me: my grandmother who gave me unconditional and loads and loads of love, which is what saved me from rack and ruin! My husband who is my rock and has been with me for more than half my life and continues to support me through it all. And my son, who taught me how to love unconditionally and who is a BRILLIANT, handsome, charismatic Law student. And I’m not biased, I’m a very objective mama (haha.)

3. What is the meaning of life?

The meaning of life is to be surrounded with the ones you love and playing in the white sand beaches of a turquoise ocean with an azure blue sky! Also being with all your loved ones in a bright airy house on the outskirts of a forest with hummingbirds by the dozen, morrphing in and out of thin air, and all of us cooking, playing games and talking. 🙂

4.When you grow up, who do you want to be like?

I’m 54, so I must have grown up by now. And I’m pretty sure I’m decidedly me. If I wasn’t me, I would like to be hmmmmm have to think about that one…

5. Name the single most irritating thing that happens to you regularly.

When I get awful letters in Scrabble online, like A O O I I I E, dad nabbit that really annoys me!

6. What would you never change about yourself, even if you could?

I would never change the family I come from. Even though there is an INCREDIBLE amount of mental illness in my family (see ” History of mental illness in my family, quite extensive” at: https://bipolar1blog.wordpress.com/2014/10/17/251/) There have been and are extremely intelligent, compassionate, brilliant, loving, creative, innocent people in my family and I wouldn’t give them up for the world.

7. Do you like Jell -O?

I sort of do. Although I don’t like artificial colors and flavors. Jell-O is so much fun that I like it.

8. What are your thoughts on capitalism? (make it short or write a separate post if you have that many thoughts on it)

Well Capitalism, like Communism, seems to be engineering its own downfall. As the difference in incomes of the obscenely rich and the poverty stricken increases and as the wealth of the country gets concentrated more and more in the top 0.1% , (see: US wealth inequality – top 0.1% worth as much as the bottom 90% at: http://www.theguardian.com/business/2014/nov/13/us-wealth-inequality-top-01-worth-as-much-as-the-bottom-90) I don’t think this is supportable in a society that purports to be a Democracy, I think the Capitalist system is preparing for its own downfall.

9.Who is your favourite musician/band/musical artist?

Well, for Classical music, it’s definitely Mozart. And for pop music, it’s Madonna, Bruno Mars haha and I like Pitbull and 50 Cent as well, haha sorry but I do 🙂 Oh and Kathleen Battle has a miraculous voice! (see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ma_Y91u05Lw)

10. Having done all this work, would you ever accept another award?

Absolutely, I really like nominating bloggers for this award and bringing attention to their blogs. And I also liked being asked my opinion on things, it’s nice to be able to voice your opinion!

4 Comments Posted on Posts

I have been nominated for the Leibster Award :-)))

leibster-awardleibster-award

I am nominating You for the Leibster Award because I think you have an amazing blog! Please accept if you’d like and read directions below. ❤ ❤

I have been nominated for the Leibster Award by Moze Pray http://mozepray.com/ I am honored and I thank you so very much!

The rules of this award are:

Here are the rules:

Each nominee must have under 200 followers

Thank and link to the nominating blog

Answer their 10 questions and propose 10 new ones for your nominees

Nominate 10 blogs and tell them that they’ve been nominated

Write a post containing the questions

Include these rules in the post.

Here are the questions Moze Pray sent me and my answers.

1. What would you like to accomplish with your blog?

I would like for other people with mental illness to know that you can survive, live and even have wonderful moments in your life even if you do have a mental illness. Also I want to categorically remove the stigma that exists about mental illness by sharing my stories and bringing them into the light. I want to remove the stigma by not cowering in shame in the dark!

2. How often do you post to your blog?

Almost every day, sometimes less.

3. Do you still read the newspaper?

I don’t read the paper as in paper printed with ink, but I do read the New York Times, and others online.

4. What’s your stance on fighting stigma regarding mental illness?

I absolutely want to fight stigma. I know mental illness can be scary and difficult to understand by people, it is so for us, people who have mental illness as well. But mental illness is really a physical illness of the brain and as such should be talked about, given due consideration, such as sick leave, and people should realize that a person who has mental illness has an illness of the brain. Also for us, the people who have these god awful illnesses, it should not be about being ashamed. Do people who have heart disease or cancer feel ashamed?

5. What is one place you would like to travel to in the world?

Bali. I’ve seen those dome shaped grass pavilions that stand in the ocean. Oh so amazing!

6. Name something odd about yourself that you do.

I stay up till all hours of the night and have a LOT of trouble waking up 😦

7. Do you like photography?

Funny you should ask! I love, love, love to take pictures. Always have my camera with me. In fact my friend was just telling me that for my wake they will pose me with my camera, ready to take pictures, a la New Orleans (they pose deceased people doing their favorite things haha.)

8. Do you have any pets?

I have a cat who is 19.75 years old. She mostly sleeps now but in her heyday, she was a warrior, a hunter, an acrobat and the most loving, protective cat ever!!! Her sister passed away at 18.5 years of age!!! My most beloved Fluffin and Puffin.

9. Mac or Windows?

Oh definitely Mac! I am typing on a MacBook Air right now, while my iPhone and iPad are right beside me on the table 🙂

10. Why did you start a blog?

I wanted to tell my story. I wanted to help others with mental illnesses see that we don’t have to be ashamed. If we tell our stories in the open light of day, then the shame, the stigma, maybe even the dread goes out of them. And we as well as others begin to accept our stories. We help each other with our stories. They give us courage and determination and acceptance and a community.

Here are my 10 questions for the bloggers I nominated:

1) Do you like to read and if so what genre?

2) What is a/the story you’d like to tell?

3) What is your history of mental illness?

4) What is a perfect day for you?

5) What is the hardest thing you’ve done?

6) Do you have kids?

7) What advice would you give to your younger self and what would you say to your older self if you were sitting next to them?

8) Do you like to cook?

9) City or suburbs?

10) Did you go to college and if so what did you study?

I nominate these 10 Bloggers:

https://proudlybipolar.wordpress.com/

http://kittomalley.com/

http://stockdalewolfe.com/

https://bipolardyke.wordpress.com/

https://tiffnvb.wordpress.com/

http://bipolarforlife.me/

https://sexyschizo.wordpress.com/

http://thebipolarmama.com/

https://piecesofbipolar.wordpress.com/

http://takingthemaskoff.com/

2 Comments Posted on Posts

Just for fun: DNA

DNA LOOPS

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/human-genome-s-spirals-loops-and-globules-come-into-4-d-view-video/

Ok, DNA is made up of deoxyribonuleic acid and is in the shape of a double helix, like those helical staircases we sometimes see in modern houses, we had one in my house when I was a young adult. DNA is composed of a deoxyribose (a sugar) backbone and it has four bases (Adenine, Thymine, Cytosine, Guanine) that form the rungs of the double helical stairs. Adenine only binds to Thymine, and Guanine only binds to Cytosine. So these bases are said to be complementary to each other. There are 2 meters of DNA in every nucleus of every cell in our bodies. Stretch out all the DNA in all our cells, it can go to the sun and back 50 times! Sort of unfathomable! Now the nucleus is only 3-10 micrometers in size! That’s 3-10 x 10 -6  meters!!! Fitting that much DNA in a cell nucleus (average width: 5 micrometers) is like fitting a string the length of the Empire State building underneath your fingernail! How does all this DNA (2 meters) fit into this tiny nucleus? One word: Chromatin. Chromatin is DNA coiled around itself and then coiled around eight proteins called histones. The DNA wrapped around Histones is called an octamer and is repeated over and over again the length of the DNA. Acetylation, phosphorylation and methylation of histones, known as epigenetic changes, because they are not changes to the sequence of the DNA, but changes to molecules associated with the DNA, these epigenetic changes alter how tightly the DNA binds to the histones. This also changes how active the associated gene is. If a histone is bound very tightly to the DNA, the enzymes that need to transcribe a gene (RNA Polymerases) can’t get to the gene. If the RNA Polymerase can’t get to the gene, then it cannot transcribe a copy of the gene into RNA. This then cannot be translated into a protein. So this gene is not active. Now if the histone were acetylated, it wouldn’t be so tightly bound to the gene, then the RNA Polymerase would have no problem transcribing the gene into a messenger RNA, which would then be translated into a protein by ribosomes. Now this gene is active.

The way genes act is, as I said above, first RNA Polymerase, which is an enzyme, makes a very faithful copy of the DNA gene into a messenger RNA, then the messenger RNA leaves the nucleus and goes to the cytoplasm, there it is used as the template to make a protein by these organelles (little organs haha) called ribosomes. So the end result is that the gene which is DNA, is finally translated into a protein. If this is a skin cell for example, the DNA will have melanin genes and they will be transcribed into RNA and translated into Melanin in your skin. This is how genes exert their effect. This is why we are what our genes make us. There is so much complexity inside the cell and inside the nucleus of a cell. Researchers have found that there are loops in DNA, areas of DNA normally far apart, brought together through loop formation! The genes in the loop are activated. Different regions of the chromosomes come together when loops are formed and these affect how active these gene are!

It’s endlessly fascinating and complex.

3 Comments Posted on Posts

URGENT: Help us protect mental health medications in Medicare Part D! And SHARE, SHARE, SHARE!

VOTE mental health

Go to this address and ask your senators to keep medications for mental health protected under Medicare Part D. http://cqrcengage.com/nami/app/lookup?3&m=15777

Below is the information and is from this link on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/InternationalBipolarFoundation?fref=nf)

Help us protect mental health medications in Medicare Part D!

Senators Charles Grassley, R-Iowa, and Sherrod Brown, D-Ohio, introduced the bipartisan Medicare Formulary Improvement Act (S. 648) last week to protect mental health medications in Medicare Part D. These medications are crucial in the treatment of illnesses like schizophrenia, depression, and bipolar disorder.

Currently these medications are in a “protected class” ensuring that when a doctor prescribes them they will not be subject to a denial based on things like cost.

So why do we need this bill?

You may remember last year that there was an attack on the “protected class” designation by the Federal Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS). In order to make sure that these life-saving medications remain in a “protected class” free from repeal you must raise your voice in support of this bill.

Contact your Senators TODAY asking them to co-sponsor this critical legislation. http://cqrcengage.com/nami/app/lookup?3&m=15777

6 Comments Posted on Posts

Not Just Others.

not just others

Not just others, it is we who have and suffer from mental illnesses. Yes it is more difficult to know what a person with schizophrenia experiences with their illness. The following link to a video shows what a schizophrenic person hears in a psychotic, which means out of touch with reality, phase. And it is literally terrifying. The voices, the words, the tone of voice, how could anyone function like that? They can’t. I have a friend who suffers from schizophrenia and while I did know that neurons in their auditory cortex fire and make these voices, until today I did not know their experience was so horrifying and their mind had turned on them in such a cruel way!  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qb8wQjwVu2g)

People with BPD 1 (bipolar disorder 1) also can be psychotic, that doesn’t mean they are psychos, again it means someone out of touch with reality. Oh so fortunately, people with BPD 1 do not hear voices. Thank goodness, the only voices I’ve heard are real voices, thank goodness a thousand times for that. People with Schizo-Affective disorder do hear voices, this is a combination of BPD 1 and schizophrenia. Some psychiatrists think this is just plain schizophrenia. So while we people with BPD 1 can get suicidally depressed, insanely manic, we still have the lesser of the two evil diseases.

There are a plethora of videos that show people who are manic and depressed. And yes they show how we are acting on the outside, talking 100 miles per minute, jumping from topic to topic, having delusions of grandeur, all in mania; crying, being hopeless, anxious, expressing suicidal ideation, all in depression. They do not show how we are feeling on the inside. Depression is especially painful, it is like someone literally broke your heart into pieces and it hurts. And pure mania is exhilarating and joyful. If your thoughts weren’t so scattered, you might actually come up with some brilliant ideas. Mixed phases aren’t so much fun because anxiety predominates in these. I unfortunately have mostly mixed phases, but that may have been because I was on SSRI’s (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and now that I’m off them, hopefully I won’t have mixed phases, my hope and prayer.

Anyway, the point of this post is to of course reiterate that it’s not others who have mental illness and also to give my readers an idea of what it feels like to have these extremely awful diseases. Maybe now people will respect and understand people with mental illness as strong people who are fighting battles daily with their illness and hopefully winning. That is the intent of this post.

3 Comments Posted on Posts

Clint Malarchuk’s Amazing Commitment to Getting and Staying Better!

clint cowboy clint cowboy

My second interview with Clint Malarchuk, posted on 2/24/15 (link below*) is pretty amazing all on it’s own, in it’s full length! In this post, I have chosen some things that Clint said that struck me as quite profound and just talked a little about those passages. Clint is amazingly intuitive, intelligent and insightful. He is also incredibly committed to doing everything in his power to stay healthy. I have learned a lot from him in just the two interviews I’ve done. I hope this post will be helpful and insightful for many. I hope he writes more books, I sincerely believe he has a lot more to tell us and teach us. Thank you Clint for doing the interviews. Best Wishes and Happy Trails 🙂  http://www.malarchuk.com/

* https://bipolar1blog.wordpress.com/2015/02/24/clint-malarchuk-an-amazing-follow-up-interview-by-samina-raza/

“Like stress, when I start getting stressed out, that’s when I have to take the extra time to check in with myself. I’m not sure if I told you last time, my tools are a 12 step program, I meditate and pray everyday and I try to exercise. I have a workout routine that I try to do every day. Those things keep me balanced.”

This is pure insight and introspection and an amazing commitment to his health. This is just so impressive, it is clear that he is going to stay healthy. Every avenue you can think of that one can take in the quest for good mental health, Clint is taking here.

“I find that my animals, I have a little dog, and she is my emotional support. When I meditate, I lay down and the cat lays on my belly and the dog curls up beside me, it is very relaxing.”

They have depression dogs now, it seems Clint knew all about the healing power of animals before they were being given little sweaters and allowed on planes. I observed to him that animals pull out the love from inside of us, and Clint conceded, he said “Yes you can call it love, it simplifies things.” Doesn’t it though.

“I’m really in to animals. And people have always said that, when I work on horses for my business, the horses that no one can really get close to, I just walk up to them. And people say “How did you do that, what are you doing? This horse is always afraid of people!” I believe in your energy, we all have it. We’re animals just like they are, so I really believe that my energy is really confident with animals, so they respond to me.”

Clint observes, and quite rightly so that humans are animals, so horses respond to our energy, actually the energy of confidence. Who knows, maybe that’s how people choose their mates, sensing their energy and if it is compatible, well then they are the chosen ones for each other.

“Well I’m a big proponent of you are being treated because you’re sick. You’re not weak. And if you’re chemically imbalanced, whether it’s your pancreas/diabetes or if it’s your brain/serotonin, it doesn’t matter.”

How’s that for profound? People, mental illness is a physical illness. It involves your brain and it involves imbalances in your neurotransmitters. So don’t sweat  it, go see your psychiatrist, get your medications, and get better! No stigma, no shame, no hiding. Just do it!

“Yes, right. But don’t forget, it takes a long time to be on those medications before they either kick in if they’re going to work, or you figure out “Oops they don’t work, I have to try something else.”

This is quite another gem, don’t forget it took a long time for the medication to work. So if you have to come off it, it’ll probably take a long time for the withdrawal symptoms to go away. How insightful is that!

“I have to be kind to myself and remind myself I deserve to be happy. “

This is indeed profound. Who doesn’t need to learn this lesson? How many people, mentally ill or not, are self loathers? Shouldn’t compassion start with oneself? If you can’t be kind to yourself, then how can you genuinely be kind to another?

“I think that growing up in turmoil that anxiety was the norm for me. And sometimes, if I’m not feeling anxious, I feel like I have to think of something to worry about, to get anxious.”

This is truly a gem! Why is there always a nagging voice inside my head making me anxious, even when there isn’t anything to be anxious about? Yes it could very well be that I grew up in a very anxious environment. When things are calm, you miss the anxious adrenalin rush. This is also the definition of an anxiety disorder. So which came first, the anxiety disorder or the anxious environment? No matter. We have to realize that we are in a way, addicted to anxiety. That our minds/brains search for reasons to be anxious. That is probably the beginning, the birth of peace and calm. And not just realize, but really stay on our medication. Again, Clint says just that.

“Helping each other, that’s what it’s all about!”

Such truth in this statement. What else is life about if not helping each other? Are we here to amass diamonds? They’re just glittery stones. Are we here to build ourselves gigantic mansions? How much room de we need to live in? Are we here to be in exclusive clubs. communities, wear exclusive clothes? Well, at least in my book, we are here to be inclusive and just like Clint says: “Help each other.”

Also, how committed he is to his health is astounding! He exercises, meditates, prays, goes to AA  (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings, checks in with himself as to why he is feeling bad or anxious, and he sees his doctors regularly and takes his medications. If this isn’t the recipe to Mental Health, I don’t know what is.

“To me it’s like a course in life. Because it’s not just about not drinking. The 12 steps are a lot deeper than that.”

That’s what Clint says about AA. He also believes, as they teach in AA, in a higher power. You have to admit that you are powerless against ____, fill in the blank, it’s your substance of abuse. Or for me Clint suggests it could be “Life” or “Moods” that I am powerless against. Then if you follow the 12 steps, allow your higher power to assist you, you will be victorious over your addiction/illness.

“So I have to communicate that to loved ones that this is what I need to do.”

Also when you are doing all these healthy things, communication with your loved ones is crucial! And not only communication, but their support for the healthy things and for the essential things you are doing to keep yourself healthy. When we have our loved ones’ support, aren’t we more likely to be successful?  And if they love us, then why wouldn’t they give us support?

“And that’s the creatures of habit! If we’re going to change habits, we have to replace them with other habits.”

This one is extremely powerful. In order to get rid of old bad habits, you have to replace them with new, healthier, good habits. How many of us try to do this but end up going back to our bad habits, because we did not replace them with new healthy habits. We may know this and have forgotten it, or we may be seeing this for the first time. Thank you Clint!

2 Comments Posted on Posts

DENIAL

PyramidsGizaNileInFlood_1 Not just a river in Egypt 🙂

Denial. Everyone goes through it to some degree in any illness. But in mental illness, it is especially a factor. It’s quite hard to deny an x-ray showing someone they have a lung tumor. But it is not difficult at all to deny that you have a mental illness. First of all mental illness affects the very organ you use to discern what is real and what is not, namely your brain. Also, sometimes being out of touch with reality (as in mania, schizophrenia, deep depression) is something you don’t remember. So while in the throes of the worst stages of mental illness, you don’t remember those periods. When you come out of those phases where you’ve lost touch with reality, the memory of that is not there. In which case it’s easy to deny that you have mental illness. Also, mental illness is experiencing extreme moods, extreme sensitivity, sometimes it’s normal to experience extreme moods. So mentally ill people, sometimes don’t realize they have a mental illness. They do not have insight (see the following post on INSIGHT I posted on 2/3/2015: https://wordpress.com/post/72261148/792/) Insight is the ability to realize that the things you’ve been thinking, doing, aren’t the real YOU. It’s the mental illness that is making you feel and do these things. For example, you are having wild moods, angry, weepy, depressed, belligerent, you are even picking up objects and throwing them at people you are angry at. This is not normal behavior for you. When your dose of medicine has been adjusted, you look back and think “Wow, who was that in my body? Why was I doing all those insane things?” THIS is insight. And that is the end of denial. And until you stop denying that you have a mental illness and start going to see your doctor, start taking your medication, MOST IMPORTANT is the medication, you will not be free of your mental illness. Just like an alcoholic has to stop denying that they are an alcohol addict, and admit that alcohol is in fact a big problem in their life, once they stop denying that and accepting it, then they can start treatment and take steps to be free of their illness. Just like that, a mentally ill person, after they stop denying that they have a mental illness and start going to see a psychiatrist and taking their medication, after this step, they can get counseling on how to deal with a mental illness, they can exercise, meditate, do yoga, anything that will relieve stress and for people with bipolar d/o, keep their mood in the normal range, this is absolutely, positively grand!

When I first became sick, went into a suicidal depression, at first I had no idea what was happening to me. But when the doctor told me I had major depression, I accepted it. And yes, there were times, in the midst of manic phases, when I didn’t know I was sick, but there would always come a time, even in the most lalaland phases, I would realize that I was very sick. And so this insight has helped me cope with my illness much better than if I didn’t possess it. In that sense, I count myself lucky, that I have this insight.

So no denial and lots of insight are the prescription for a better outcome for people who have mental illnesses.

3 Comments Posted on Posts

What’s a Girl to Do?

IMG_2981

Well, first they come and tell you we don’t know if you have bipolar d/o or unipolar depression, so here take this antidepressant and you’ll be fine. Then you go into a full blown manic phase, with delusions, hallucinations, total insomnia. Then they say “Oops, you have bipolar disorder, you have to take lithium.” So you go on lithium with added antidepressants only when you’re feeling depressed. So mood stabilizers such as Lithium Carbonate all the time and increased dose for manis, antidepressants, in your case selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), for you it’s Zoloft. Then when you get used to this regime, Lithium Carbonate maintenance dose. Lithium Carbonate increased dose for manic episode. Zoloft + Lithium Carbonate for depression, they change the rules. Now no more SSRI antidepressants, ever! SSRI’s increase the likelihood of cycling, meaning going though depressed and manic phases. So done, gone, nada. Now what do you do when you into a depressed phase? Well there are selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (can’t take them, make be burst with anxiety), there are other mood stabilizers such as Abilify or Depakote (can’t take them, bad side effects), there are Amphetamine derivatives such as Adderall (can’t take them, baaaad side effects.) What does that leave? Maybe, seriously, I have to think about MAOI’s. The monoamine oxidase inhibitors. These don’t inhibit the reuptake of neurotransmitter, they actually inhibit the enzyme (monoamine oxidase) that breaks down neurotransmitters, so there are more neurotransmitter molecules available for neurons. This is good! Unfortunately however, you cannot eat anything aged when you are on MAOI’s, which means no wine, cheese, and other yummy foods. I would try these though if a depressive phase was so bad that I couldn’t function. My friend swears by one called Parnate. This class of antidepressants had been shown to alleviate depression in people who may be otherwise drug resistant. Hmmm, maybe, if I go into a severe depression, I’ll ask my psychiatrist to prescribe Parnate or one of the other MAOI’s. I guess that’s what a girl’s supposed to do. Or a boy for that matter.

2 Comments Posted on Posts Quote

GRACE

This is a poem I wrote on November 21, 2008.

Bipolar1blog's avatarBipolar1Blog

image

Grace

Last night in my dream, I saw you

You were there, in my sanctuary, my idyll, where the sun shone bright and there was the sound of sweet birdsong.

You were there in my shelter, where the storm clouds had passed, and the day, bright and sweet, newly dawned.

Flowers with adorable faces of children here grow, throwing playful glances your way, you are free to rest and play, to let you know.

Here my father sun’s golden rays warm me, they caress my face as a mother’s hand caresses her child newly born.

Here Mother Earth supports me with her gentle, quiet, sustaining strength, so I can rest my bones so careworn.

Here, in this place, where a peaceful, gurgling river flows, I came last night to see if I could find you full of hope.

I had been looking for you for so long, yet till last…

View original post 250 more words