Written in 2014. In a brief depressed phase. And yet there is hope, and yet I am alive. You can be in a severe depression such as described below, but you can survive it. You can go through it and come out on the other side and live and thrive. Just know that you can. I did it, I have done it many times, and I will keep on fighting. Fight with me.
How much should I tell you, how much should I disclose? How much of myself should I give away? How much of the façade should I let crumble? I feel sick, awful, teary, bad… yes depression is on its way…again. The pictures I post on Facebook with smiles on my face, happy, normal looking, that person is gone again. I know it doesn’t make any sense. But this is what bipolar d/o does. One day, you are fine, enjoying life, smiling, thinking about things, and then the next day, you are basically a lifeless statue, expressionless, thought-less, emotionless. All the positives gone. And you feel nothingness and pain. There is a weight on my chest, hard to take a deep breath. My muscles ache, my heart aches. My mind feels dull and empty, no happy, positive thoughts, no ideas, no plans. Tired, so tired. Don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Don’t want to do anything. Can’t publish this. Don’t want people to know how much of a wreck I am right now. Can’t give it all away. Don’t want everyone to see me deconstructed. Have to keep up some pretense of who I am. Fine, look at me, see this mentally ill person in a depression. See me and count your blessings you were not born with a mental illness.