Drive?

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People who are complacent and happy and fulfilled are not the ones who accomplish great things. It is people who are driven, who have a “fire in their belly”. who are dissatisfied with their life, the state of the world, who feel this urge, hear the siren’s call, these are the people who do something great in the world.

I have been thinking, which am I? Certainly not the complacent kind. I am anxious almost all the time, yet I also have moments of blissful peace. Is it enough to be anxious? No. It has to be a directed anxiety, a goal oriented anxiety, the anxiety one feels has to be directed into achieving something. Just like energy, energy exists everywhere, but only when it is directed into an electrical cable can it light up the world.

I think education was to have taught me this directing capability, but I must have been sick at home the day they taught that lesson.

Yet also, another voice speaks to me (no not really, haha, it’s just my thoughts) and it says: Why do you have to strive and wish for greatness, isn’t it enough to just be you? A kind and loving and compassionate you, who can affect people’s and little animals’ lives everyday, not in some grand way, but in a small way? There is freedom in this. I can be kind, loving, compassionate every day without being tethered to an outside goal. I can be me without the need for fanfare and external responsibilities.

I used to think my epitaph should read “She tried as much as she could!” I’ve changed my mind about that, now I think it should read “She was loving, kind and compassionate.” Hopefully that is all true of me so it can be put on my tombstone. Actually I am not going to have a tombstone, I’m going to be cremated.

Anyway, this tug of war between living a small quiet life and the wish to accomplish something great, something stellar, goes on in my head sometimes; especially after I see something great like “H{N)Y P N (Y} OSIS.” Something like a one woman show with acting, singing, reading… I don’t know, who knows, we’ll see. I wonder how I can turn something like that into a reality? Certainly not by blogging about it, but by doing it.

Ok, gotta go and rehearse my song and lines for my upcoming play “Buster, The Musical!” Community theatre it is, but still something that entertains people and that screams: Look at me, here I am! Validation. And entertainment. At least in a small way.

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