My grandmother, the fiery child bride suffered her share of heartbreaking losses in her life. The first was of her eldest child Waris, who ran in front of a car and was killed when he was five years old. I can’t imagine what she must have felt, how she must have coped with this unbearable loss. Then for three months, she thought her second child, Wahid was also lost to her. My uncle Wahid was in a boarding school, Saint Stephens. A very exclusive school where only sons of English lords and Indian aristocracy went. One day, a Sikh friend of his insisted that he come to his home for a big party that they were having for his sister’s wedding. My uncle tried to brush him off, but his friend was adamant that he should come. So they went. The next day, there was a massacre of all the Muslim students by an anti Muslim Sikh group. My uncle’s friend had heard that this was going to happen and had taken him out of the school to save his life!!! It gives me literal goose bumps just writing about this! My uncle stayed with him for a while. But these were uncertain times, during the partition of India into India and Pakistan. So as not to endanger his Sikh friend’s family, my 17 year old uncle went to “Lal Qila”, the Red Fort, where all the Muslim refugees were housed. He stayed there for three months, with no way to get word to his parents that he was alive and well. As I said, these were uncertain times and he was in Delhi, his parents were in Moradabad, many miles away and there was no way to inform them of his safety. For three months, my grandmother thought that my uncle Wahid had perished in the massacre!! Eventually my uncle Wahid made his way back home. I can not imagine what joy and happiness and feasts that took place upon his return. I am so happy for my dearest grandmother, my Nani Amma that at least this time she didn’t lose her son. The next time, there was no miracle, there was only great sorrow, this was in 1969. Her youngest son, handsome, intelligent, beautiful, loving Khalid Ahmad was lost to her. He had joined the Pakistani army and was coming to visit my grandmother, to actually surprise her. His friend who owned a motorcycle had agreed to give him a ride to Lahore, where my grandmother lived with my mother, my aunt, uncle, my little brother Farooq and me. All of a sudden the atmosphere in our house became tense, frightening, and dark. My uncle had been in an accident with a bus as he was riding on the passenger seat on his friend’s motorcycle. His friend walked away from it. But my uncle suffered terrible head injuries and was brought to the hospital where my mother worked. No one would tell us children anything. I remember asking if someone had died. I was told to pray, and of course with the innocence of an eight year old girl, I prayed and prayed. I even used to believe in fairies then, so I was convinced my prayers to Almighty Allah would be answered. But it was for nought. My uncle Khalid, 21 years of age, did not survive. And this time I didn’t need to imagine, I saw my grandmother’s immense sorrow, her wailing and crying. We all cried. What else could we do? Then of course many years later, my brother also left us. Sorrow upon sorrow. I wish I believed in god. I would ask him why he did all this to us. Why so much suffering? Why so much loss in one family? But I don’t believe in all that. So I ask no one.

http://www.medicaldaily.com/ketamine-helps-patients-bipolar-disorder-depression-works-differently-among-two-308880
Researchers from The National Mental Health Institute (NIMH) at the National Institutes of Health have been studying the antidepressant effects of ketamine — a hallucinatory drug commonly known as “special k” — for years now. While prior studies confirmed the drug can rapidly reduce disordered symptoms, the latest from NIMH refines these findings to emphasize ketamine effects bipolar and depression patients differently.

“Our findings help to deconstruct what has traditionally been lumped together as depression,” Dr. Carlos Zarate, of NIMH, said in a press release. “We break out a component that responds uniquely to a treatment that works through different brain systems than conventional antidepressants — and link that response to different circuitry than other depression symptoms.” Zarate and his team were able to do this after infusing the drug or a placebo into 36 patients in the depressive phase of bipolar disorder.

When patients were on the drug and placebo, researchers could detect any mood changes on a scale of anhedonia (the inability to experience pleasure from enjoyable activities) and depression. Isolating the two helped researchers to see that ketamine triggers a strong anti-anhedonia effect sooner, and independent of, other effects. Specifically, researchers discovered levels of anhedonia improved within 40-minutes of patients taking ketamine compared to those who took a placebo; depressive symptoms improved within two hours.

When I don’t feel well, I kinda live in the Cyber World.

Holed up in my condo, with my MacBook Air, iPhone and iPad… (And haha, no they’re not paying me for my endorsement.)

The better I feel, the more I am out in the real world doing things.

In fact, the inverse is also true, the more I am out in the real world doing things, the better I feel.

So, whenever the down period comes, remember, up and at ’em!

Remember, always tell yourself, come on, you can do it.

Cheerleading for ourselves is sort of necessary when mood d/o’s act up.
And I know this is harder than it sounds. Because sometimes no amount of cheerleading can have you getting up an at em… I know…

But even so we try. So to all my readers who need this as well, I’m cheering you on too. Right now!

It can be done and YOU and I can do it :))

Much love. To us all.

http://www.medicaldaily.com/ketamine-helps-patients-bipolar-disorder-depression-works-differently-among-two-308880
Researchers from The National Mental Health Institute (NIMH) at the National Institutes of Health have been studying the antidepressant effects of ketamine — a hallucinatory drug commonly known as “special k” — for years now. While prior studies confirmed the drug can rapidly reduce disordered symptoms, the latest from NIMH refines these findings to emphasize ketamine effects bipolar and depression patients differently.

“Our findings help to deconstruct what has traditionally been lumped together as depression,” Dr. Carlos Zarate, of NIMH, said in a press release. “We break out a component that responds uniquely to a treatment that works through different brain systems than conventional antidepressants — and link that response to different circuitry than other depression symptoms.” Zarate and his team were able to do this after infusing the drug or a placebo into 36 patients in the depressive phase of bipolar disorder.

When patients were on the drug and placebo, researchers could detect any mood changes on a scale of anhedonia (the inability to experience pleasure from enjoyable activities) and depression. Isolating the two helped researchers to see that ketamine triggers a strong anti-anhedonia effect sooner, and independent of, other effects. Specifically, researchers discovered levels of anhedonia improved within 40-minutes of patients taking ketamine compared to those who took a placebo; depressive symptoms improved within two hours.

As per the advice of my doctor, I increased my dose of Seroquel from 100 mg to 125 mg and pretty much feel like a new person, feel like my normal self. So happy all the emotional upheaval inside me is gone and I feel quite at peace. Lets hope it continues. Went out for the 3rd time as Maleficent, LOVE that costume. Might be Maleficent for the next few years to come!

Wishing everyone a “Happy Halloween!”

My doctor thinks my mood changes are the result of going off the Zoloft. Apparently SSRI’s and especially short acting SSRI’s like Zoloft, give people the most trouble when they come off them. And since I have been on Zoloft since the 1990’s, I have a feeling this is going to be a tough “getting off.”

The following are some of the symptoms you can have when you stop taking SSRI’s, (Zoloft is an SSRI, Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor): “Nausea, vomiting, indigestion like symptoms, abdominal pain, diarrhoea, constipation, loss of appetite and weight loss. Joint and muscle aches and developing a sensitivity to light have also been reported. Other side effects include dry mouth, nervousness, anxiety, headache, depression, insomnia, tremor, dizziness,asthenia (weakness or loss of strength), hallucinations, drowsiness, convulsions, galactorrhoea, sexual dysfunction, urinary retention, sweating, hypomania and mania, movement disorders, visual disturbances, low body sodium concentration and cutaneous bleeding disorders. Suicidal ideation has been linked with SSRI’s.” And specifically for Zoloft: “Tachycardia (increased heart rate, greater than 100 beats per minute), confusion, memory loss, aggressive behaviour, psychosis, pancreatitis (inflammation of the pancreas), hepatitis (inflammation of the liver), jaundice (yellowing of the skin and eyes), liver failure, menstrual irregularities, paraesthesia (spontaneous abnormal tingling sensations), thrombocytopenia (reduced numbers of platelets in the blood).”

Also found this in the literature:

“Potential abnormal synapse activity upon withdrawal of SSRI

Although the exact biological mechanisms underlying withdrawal associated symptoms is unknown, researchers have postulated that discontinuation events result from a sudden decrease in the availability of synaptic serotonin in the face of down-regulated serotonin receptors. Excessive long term synaptic serotonin, causes a down regulation of post synaptic serotonin receptors. There is also an increase in serotonin re-uptake transporters, due to long term blockage, resulting in an increased re-uptake of serotonin from the synaptic cleft into the pre-synaptic neuron. This leads to an overall decrease in serotonin transmission which may produce withdrawal effects.”

http://www.comingoff.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=13&Itemid=34

What a nightmare. If someone had told me this is what would happen if I went off Zoloft, I would never have started taking it in the first place. I bolded symptoms I’m having. Actually, except the anxiety, I think I am getting off pretty easy, I mean compared to all the symptoms I could possibly have, I truly am getting off easy! And as far as never having taken the Zoloft, I guess just like everything else, Psychiatry is a work in progress. No one knows everything. Drugs come along and are prescribed and when patients have been taking them for a while, it is found out that they don’t control Bipolar 1 (Lamictal), or discontinuing them is quite a big problem (Zoloft).

Well, I am to increase the Seroquel, which will help with the anxiety and depression. Fingers crossed.

Going to keep going to the lab, keep exercising, keep taking pictures. Keep doing ALL the positive things I can muster. Oh yes, keep singing, that is something i love to do. For my dearest husband’s sake, I will also keep making dinner.

Maybe I’ll just make some lemonade too. :))

Ok I called my doctor. Enough with the feeling bad. Enough of the crazy poems. Enough of being on the verge of hysteria. Enough. Can’t stand the pain in my heart anymore. Just want it to stop. Time to up the dose of X, Y, Z, whatever it takes to feel normal and fine again.
Day 3 in the lab :)).

What is it worth, my life?

Two Master’s degrees.

A Bachelor’s degree.

A marriage to a wonderful and very successful man.

A son, lovable, handsome. brilliant.

Friends.

Cats.

These are all part of my life, components of my life.

But what is the sum total of it?

What am I worth? The elements that make up my body may fetch you $3.00!

How much did I contribute to the world?

So what am I worth? What is the sum total of me?

Don’t feel good, probably obvious.

Probably because of stopping Zoloft, my brain is in withdrawal for the effect of Serotonin. I just have to withstand it for 6 months to a year, easy. That is when, according to my doctor, my brain will normalize and the withdrawal effects of Zoloft will go away. Until then, I live with these fluctuations of mood and feeling like a rag doll.

Did go to the lab today, have started in earnest. Waiting for a project. Maybe that will make me feel worthwhile, feel I have worth, feel I am worthy.

There are so many things bothering me, but I am not sure if it is because of my mood or if they are  really issues, so I will not speak of them here.

Just go on, put a smile on my face, turn off my brain and exist, live.