PTSD

There are many reasons one can develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD.) Previously known as shell shock, tells you that soldiers on the battle field, when they came home developed it. War is an awful, sick thing, and what soldiers see and experience in war is something NO ONE should ever have to be a part of.

Soldiers get flashbacks, where they might have nightmares about or feel as though those horrible, traumatic events are happening again.

They have massive amounts of anxiety and fear and may have panic attacks.

They have a much stronger and more easily activatable startle response.

They can dissociate, where they feel and react as if the things that were happening to them during war, are happening again.

Sometimes, they live in the same fear and terror they experienced in the war.

They may even become agoraphobic, or develop other phobias.

They may use substances or activities to quell their fears, sometimes becoming addicts.

They may experience feelings of great distress and have intense physical reactions.

They may have trouble sleeping, irritability or outbursts of anger, difficulty concentrating, feeling jumpy and being easily startled, and being hypervigilant ( constantly on “red alert”).

This is what happens to soldiers when they come home from wars. But it happens to other people as well. It can happen to people who have been assaulted. It can happen to people who were involved in a terrorist attack. It can happen to people who have experienced the death of a loved one and it can happen to people who were abused as children. That’s my category. After reading about PTSD, I realize that I have been living with many of its symptoms. “Dissociation”, hypervigilance, irritability or anger, reacting like a disaster is happening when it truly is not, having HUGE over reactions to some events. Another thing I think I can attribute to my PTSD is the need to control things and always having butterflies in my stomach and being fearful. And always waiting for the other shoe to drop. The childhood abuse that happened to me robbed me of my peace of mind. It made my mind hypervigilant and anxious, always on alert for the next awful thing that was going to happen. And now, sometimes, I have realized that I even dissociate and react to events, benign events, as though I was being abused again, over reacting 😦 This abuse robbed me of my childhood. Well, that’s one thing I’m never getting back. But I can get back my peace of mind, the inner child work I’ve done and continue to do has helped with that. What else can help? Well here’s a self help list:

Spending time in nature

Mindful breathing

Exercise

Listening to uplifting music

Meditation

Invoking relaxation response and often

Socializing and connecting with people

Vocal toning (!) making a mmmm sound until you experience a pleasant sound, seriously, I found it on the internet… so it must work… ;;-)

Taking care of yourself, avoiding drugs and alcohol.

Volunteering!

Support group

There’s even a mobile PTSD App! http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/materials/apps/PTSDCoach.asp

Basically all things and anything that will increase your relaxation response and decrease anxiety. And for me, of course, reading about abandonment, child abuse, and taking care of my inner child (which I think is the same as your fight or flight response) has been instrumental in my healing process!

Here’s something I found on: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatment/cope/

Self-Help Options

  • PTSD Coach: Mobile App
    With you when you need it, PTSD Coach is a free iPhone app that can help you learn about and manage symptoms that commonly occur after trauma. Also available for Android.
  • Lifestyle Changes Recommended for PTSD Patients
    Discusses changes in your way of life that can help with PTSD.
  • Mindfulness Practice in the Treatment of Traumatic Stress
    Discusses changes in your way of life that can help with PTSD.
  • Mindfulness Coach
    Grounding yourself in the present moment can help you cope better with unpleasant thoughts and emotions. The Mindfulness Coach app will help you do this.
  • Peer Support Groups
    Describes peer support groups and gives suggestions on how to locate a group to help those diagnosed with PTSD or caring for someone with PTSD.
  • Dogs and PTSD
    Describes dogs as pets, service animals, and emotional support animals and discusses what is known about the role of dogs in PTSD recovery.
  • PTSD, Work, and Your Community
    Explains why people who do not understand PTSD may treat you differently (stigma). Read about how you can use community services or a job to change their minds.

You can also get professional help as in a therapist, who might do CBT, or Exposure Therapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy, or Psychodynamic Therapy. Medication such as SSRI’s (if you don’t have bipolar d/o) may also be used.

Well how about that! Psilocybin leads to more openness!

Amazing, openness was increased, for over a year, in people who were given Psilocybin, the psychoactive molecule of magic mushrooms. The experiment was done in a controlled laboratory environment. Feelings of transcendence were also experienced. But darn, they also experienced fear, anxiety, and distress. Take out those three and count me in as an experimental subject, dear scientists 😉

http://www.livescience.com/16287-mushrooms-alter-personality-long-term.html?cmpid=514627_20160307_59060606&adbid=10153285004906761&adbpl=fb&adbpr=30478646760

LOVE Versus Fear from tinybuddha

You might have noticed I am on a “Love or Fear” kick. After facing my own demons, after having lived in fear for so many years, I want to welcome love into my life. I think if I can become more loving, and live out of love, not fear, I will not only live a positive, happy, love filled life, but I may well be the light that guides other people who are lost in the craggy, dark forests of fear as I was.

This post below is brilliant. Really, if we can read this daily, and live only from the LOVE column, wow, just think what you could become, what I could become, what we and the world could become!

With all my love.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/love-versus-fear/

LOVE Versus Fear

LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL (fear is conditional)

LOVE IS STRONG (fear is weak)

LOVE RELEASES (fear obligates)

LOVE SURRENDERS (fear binds)

LOVE IS HONEST (fear is deceitful)

LOVE TRUSTS (fear suspects)

LOVE ALLOWS (fear dictates)

LOVE GIVES (fear resists)

LOVE FORGIVES (fear blames)

LOVE IS COMPASSIONATE (fear pities)

LOVE CHOOSES (fear avoids)

LOVE IS KIND (fear is angry)

LOVE IGNITES (fear incites)

LOVE EMBRACES (fear repudiates)

LOVE CREATES (fear negates)

LOVE HEALS (fear hurts)

LOVE IS MAGIC (fear is superstitious)

LOVE ENERGIZES (fear saps)

LOVE IS AN ELIXIR (fear is a poison)

LOVE INSPIRES (fear worries)

LOVE DESIRES (fear Joneses)

LOVE IS PATIENT (fear is nervous)

LOVE IS BRAVE (fear is afraid)

LOVE IS RELAXED (fear is pressured)

LOVE IS BLIND (fear is judgmental)

LOVE RESPECTS (fear disregards)

LOVE ACCEPTS (fear rejects)

LOVE DREAMS (fear schemes)

LOVE WANTS TO PLAY (fear needs to control)

LOVE ENJOYS (fear suffers)

LOVE FREES (fear imprisons)

LOVE BELIEVES (fear deceives)

LOVE “WANTS” (fear “needs”)

LOVE versus fear: what do you feel?

Love or Fear

IMG_0407Yoga, Sufism, Buddhism, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and Christ teach about love. All these great philosophies and teachers say there are only two ways to live our lives. One is in fear of everything, the other is in love of everything. I think everyone understands what living in fear means, but not everyone knows what I mean by living in love of everything. So I’ll explain. It’s not just romantic love, although that’s included of course. But what I am talking about here is “out of love.” Your heart is full of love for all beings, and all things. Even when you encounter something “bad,” you act out of the love in your heart. You never say to a child who is unhappy, perhaps needlessly according to you, “If you don’t stop, I’ll really give you something to cry about.” You act with the love in your heart and try to make things better for this child, for your friends, your neighbors, dare I say the world. Living in fear, in avarice, in lack has brought us to where we are at this stage in the world’s life. Living in fear. Not living in love, or gratitude, or inner peace or the sense of having enough. Living in fear. If this happens, I will die. If this doesn’t happen, I will die, this is fear. I’ll be fine no matter what happens: Love! Love for yourself, love and trust, not fear.

All the negative things come from fear, like greed, violence, hate, unkindness, depression, anxiety, guilt and judgment.

All the positive things come from love, like nurturance, care, generosity, passion, excitement, acceptance, joy, peace, serenity, and acceptance.

Just look at these lists, think of the emotions each of those words connotes and ask yourself what would you be feeling right now.

When we live in fear, we close ourselves up against the world. We are, well, we are afraid. We act as if something is after us, our belongings, so we act out of that fear and we act hatefully or violently or judgmentally.

When we act out of love, we are open to the world and all its experiences, therefore we act kindly, joyously, serenely, and generously.

Living in fear, we live like we have nothing, we want more and more. We are not generous or kind hearted. Our hearts are closed to the suffering of humanity, to the suffering of children, of innocent little animals.

Living out of love, our hearts are wide open, we feel as if we have everything we could possibly need and se we are generous, kind, patient, and yes loving to all people, animals, even plants.

So, if there are only only two emotions in the world, and you can only act out of one of them, which would you choose? And yes, it most certainly is a choice you make. It’s not random, no one else chooses for you, you make the choice. Which would you choose?

“Fracture risk from psychotropic medications: a population-based analysis.” Aka Lithium cuts your risk of fractures by almost half!

Whereas other psychoactive drugs and even SSRI’s may increase the risk of fractures, “Lithium was associated with lower fracture risk (OR = 0.63; 95% CI, 0.43-0.93)”

This is great news, and another reason, besides controlling my bipolar disorder, that I am so very  glad I’m on Lithium.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18626264

Abstract

BACKGROUND:

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), benzodiazepines, and antipsychotics have each been associated with an increased risk of fracture in older individuals. The aim of this study was to better define the magnitude of fracture risk with psychotropic medications and to determine whether a dose-effect relationship exists.

METHODS:

Population-based administrative databases were used to examine psychotropic medication exposure and fractures in persons aged 50 years and older in Manitoba between 1996 and 2004. Persons with osteoporotic fractures (vertebral, wrist, or hip [n = 15,792]) were compared with controls (3 controls for each case matched for age, sex, ethnicity, and comorbidity [n = 47,289]). Medications examined included antidepressants (SSRIs vs other monoamines), antipsychotics, lithium, and benzodiazepines.

RESULTS:

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors were associated with the highest adjusted odds of osteoporotic fractures (odds ratio [OR] = 1.45; 95% confidence interval [CI], 1.32-1.59). Other monoamine antidepressants (OR = 1.15; 95% CI, 1.07-1.24) and benzodiazepines (OR = 1.10; 95% CI, 1.04-1.16) were also associated with greater fracture risk, although the relationship was weaker. Lithium was associated with lower fracture risk (OR = 0.63; 95% CI, 0.43-0.93), whereas the relationship with antipsychotics was not significant in the models that adjusted for diagnoses. A dose-effect relationship was seen with SSRIs and benzodiazepines.

CONCLUSIONS:

This study provides novel insight into the relationship between fractures and psychotropic medications in the elderly. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors seem to have a greater risk than other psychotropic classes, and higher doses may further increase that risk. Lithium seems to be protective against fractures.

So now what?

lily 2pink lilySo, I have met the demons from my life and faced them square on. I have learnt about my inner child, about reparenting, about basically getting over my PTSD from the past, and about desensitizing my fight or flight response, basically about moving on and living my life in a happy, enjoyable, productive way. When one has been through trauma like I have, one’s fight or flight response is activated by things that a normal person’s would never be. Normally, a fight or flight response is elicited when someone is in mortal danger, such as if a lion is about to sink its teeth into them. People like me, who’ve had trauma as children, and who have lived in conditions that seemed like life or death to a child, well our fight or flight is elicited by much less serious occurrences. We react to much less severe things like someone else would to life threatening things. The thing to do for us is to desensitize our fight or flight. So we don’t try to use a bazooka to kill a fly, we need to calm down and remember we have a fly swatter! Basically, I need to calm down, meditation, yoga, exercise, music, “talking to my inner child”, whatever it takes to not get the bazooka out unless I really am faced with a lion. And even then, I, the real me, would hate to kill a lion. Oooops, I’m rambling, but I hope you know what I mean 🙂

So, all these things have happened in the past few weeks. Have all my problems evaporated? No. Am I stronger and more capable of handling my issues and my life? Yes, yes I am. I was always strong, but now I choose to move on from the past, it happened, it wasn’t very pretty, but it is over, and I am ready to live my life without its shadow blocking out the sun.

So there it is and here we go, living life, laughing, celebrating that we are alive!

One particularly bad episode of my mother beating the hell out of me…

This is not easy and I don’t really want to do this or subject you to it, but apparently you have to face these things, come to terms with them, grieve over them and release them Many of the books, almost all of the books I’ve read say this. So here goes…

One particularly bad episode of my mother beating the hell out of me was when I was four years old. She came to pick me up from preschool. We got home. I was chewing gum that a friend of mine had given me. I was not allowed to chew gum because my mother thought I would get cavities. But my friend had offered it to me, and being the forbidden fruit, I had taken it and popped it in my mouth.

My mother saw me chewing. She asked what I had in my mouth. I became very scared and said it was candy and spit it out on the ground before we went inside the house. She asked me again inside and I didn’t say anything. She went outside, found the piece of gum I’d spit out, came in and started punching me in my face. She had rings on. She hit me as hard as she could, when her hand got tired, she took off her shoes and hit me with those.

I had black eyes, a bloody nose, fat lips, bleeding copiously. The house was dark and I sat there, blood dripping from my face , black and blue marks getting bigger on my body. How does a four year old handle this onslaught from the one person who was supposed to love her? I don’t remember, I have no emotional memories of this event even though it is recorded in my brain vividly and accurately. The first emotion I remember was after the incidence. When my mother saw what she had done to me and felt guilty and came over and started to clean the blood off my face. I felt pure hatred. I felt anger. I knew what she had done was wrong. I knew I did not deserve it, and I hated her for it.

These kinds of things happened regularly, whenever she felt like it, she would completely lose control and beat me into a pulp. She used shoes, sticks, large cutting board sized wooden boards, hitting me against walls and furniture and leave me bleeding and bruised. With my hatred of her growing every time.

Finally, she dragged me by my hair, up to a second floor room. I was 14 years by then, bigger than her. She was whaling on me, hitting me, kicking me, when I got so angry, I lifted my hand to strike her. I didn’t hit her, but I wanted to. She immediately stopped. Went downstairs and told my aunts that I tried to hit her. They all came to me and said “How could you lift your hand on your mom, you must apologize!” I just looked at them and thought, FUCK that, I won’t apologize! And I didn’t.

I hated my mother, almost all the time. Of course I did love her, too. Very confusing, she wasn’t horrible to me all the time, but whenever she wanted to, she pummeled me. She had no control, no one to whom she was accountable. All my relatives except my adored grandmother looked the other way, but my grandmother was bedridden by then and couldn’t do much about it except shout at my mother to stop. My mother shouted back and told my grandmother that I was her daughter and she could do whatever she wanted with me. Not quite true, but that’s what she, in her crazed mind, thought.

From four years of age to 14, I was horrendously abused, blood, gore, she probably broke my nose, I do have a broken nose. Black and blue marks. Hidden with clothes so I could go to school, or I simply stayed at home if I looked too much like hell.

Did I deserve this, NO! Can anyone wonder why my flight or fight response is overactive?
Did I get love, affection, encouragement? Yes, from my grandmother. Did it make a difference, of course it did. Did it wipe out all the effects of the abuse inflicted upon me by my mother? No. Did it negate the fact that my father abandoned me at age 5? No.

Sometimes I wonder how, after suffering all this, without addressing it, how have I survived? Strength. That’s how. I was strong enough to know that my mother was wrong when I was 4 years old. I must have cried, I don’t remember it, but I was strong enough to get up the next morning, and the next morning and the next and go on with my life, never knowing when the insane woman would beat me to a pulp again.

I was strong enough to forgive her in the late 1990’s, realizing that this old woman was not the same person who abused me, this old woman was my mother who was as sorry as she could be that she abused me. We did have a good relationship for a few years before she passed away in 2005.

Now I am doing all the inner child work that adult survivors of child abuse have to do to get their lives back. I am 55 years old and what happened to me when I was 3, 4 years old still affects me. So I am reparenting myself, letting myself experience and mourn what happened to me and I am hoping that will make me “whole” again. That’s what the books, therapists, psychologists, that’s what everyone says. Be there for the frightened child, the “inner child,” be loving and comforting to her and things will get better.

I think what this means is to make my fight or flight response less triggerable. When I am feeling intense emotions, possibly out of place, then if I can calm myself down and not have a cow, that’s progress. Imagine the child I was, how could I NOT have an overactive fight or flight? Of course I did. Any little thing could have been an inducement for my insane mother to beat the living daylights out of me. So now, I have to reprogram my brain to not feel things at the catastrophic levels I used to as a child. I’m thinking that’s what we’re doing with all this inner child stuff. Self calming, self soothing.

I am reading books, upon books. Gleaning whatever is appropriate for me and hoping that I will heal. I feel I am healing. I am healing. Every time my fight or flight gets insane, I calm myself down. I also remind myself that I am not alone, in that many others have gone through this and worse, and I have many friends and family members who love me, and whom I love dearly. I’ve put two pictures in this post, one the absolute most happiest day of my life, the day my son was born, with my mother holding him. She was not the same person in this pictures as the one who abused me, and I forgive her with all my heart and tell her that I love her and I hope her spirit is in peace. The second picture is of the day we took my son home. Another very happy day of our lives. And so we move on and heal and grow and live our lives with strength and love.

Sometimes life is not fair. But lemonade’s still good!

Aral my newborn baby!

A very happy day as well! Two days after my son was born. Taking him home!

DSCN7239

The happiest day of my life! A few minutes after my son was born. My mother is holding him.

Depression is more than a mental disorder: It affects the whole organism

http://www.neuroscientistnews.com/clinical-updates/depression-more-mental-disorder-it-affects-whole-organism
An international team of researchers lead by the University of Granada (UGR) has scientifically proven, for the first time, that depression is more than a mental disorder: it causes important alterations of the oxidative stress, so it should be considered a systemic disease, since it affects the whole organism.

The results of this work, published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, could explain the significant association that depression has with cardiovascular diseases and cancer, and why people suffering from depression die younger. At the same time, this research may help finding new therapeutic targets for the prevention and treatment of depression.
The lead author of this work is Sara Jiménez Fernández, PhD student at the UGR and psychiatrist at the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Unit at Jaén Medical Center (Jaén, Spain). The co-authors are the UGR Psychiatry professors Manuel Gurpegui Fernández de Legaria and Francisco Díaz Atienza, in collaboration, among others, with Christoph Correll from the Zucker Hillside Hospital (New York, USA).
This research is a meta analysis of 29 previous studies which comprise 3961 people, and it is the first detailed work of its kind about what happens in the organism of people suffering from depression. It studies the imbalance between the individual increase of various oxidative stress parameters (especially malondialdehyde, a biomarker to measure the oxidative deterioration of the cell membrane) and the decrease in antioxidant substances (such as uric acid, zinc, and the superoxide dismutase enzyme).
The researchers have managed to prove that, after receiving the usual treatment against depression, the patients’ malondialdehyde levels are significantly reduced, to the point that they are indistinguishable from healthy individuals. At the same time, zinc and uric acid levels increase until reaching normal levels (something that does not occur in the case of the superoxide dismutase enzyme).

Antipsychotic Treatment for Bipolar Disorder Not Always Effective After Six Months

Ok first of all, sorry, but I have to say this, is Dr. Yatham the Indian cousin of (ugh) Donald Trump? Wow excellent combover, Lakshmi!

Alright, got that out of my system, lets get on to business, in this study they say that patients with bipolar 1 who stayed on mood stabilizers (lithium or Valproate) and antipsychotics (risperidone or olanzapine) for over a year did no better than patients who only stayed on the medications for 24 weeks. These are typical antipsychotics. They have severe side effects like bad weight gain and tardive dyskenisia, normally these antipsychotics are prescribed for schizoaffective disorder and schizophrenia as well.

“beyond six months of use, those taking risperidone experienced manic or depressive episodes as frequently as the placebo group. Those taking olanzapine, on the other hand, had the fewest episodes when using the medication over a whole year rather than stopping use after 24 weeks, making the year-long treatment most effective for that drug. Risperidone tended to delay mania, while olanzapine tended to delay depression.”

My personal experience: taking 900 mg/day of Lithium Carbonate ER, and 100 mg of Quetiapine Fumarate has kept me stable for over a year now. That is, mood-wise. Of course the childhood abandonment and abuse issues are no picnic, none at all, they are unpleasant, painful, not any fun! But if I hadn’t been stable mood-wise, I would not have been able to tackle these. And time it is, to tackle these.

So gratitude and love and laughter for all.

 

https://bbrfoundation.org/brain-matters-discoveries/antipsychotic-treatment-for-bipolar-disorder-not-always-effective-after

Lakshmi N. Yatham, M.D. - Brain & Behavior Research Expert on Bipolar Disorder

Lakshmi N. Yatham, M.D.

Some antipsychotic medicines commonly used to treat a type of bipolar disorder may not have clear benefits after six months of use, researchers have found.

Some antipsychotic medicines commonly used to treat a type of bipolar disorder may not have clear benefits after six months of use, researchers have found.

There are different types of bipolar disorder. Bipolar I — what most people associate with the illness — is characterized by periods of mania (intense elevated mood, increased energy and speed of thinking, reduced sleep etc) and severedepression (low mood, no interest or motivation, lack of pleasure, suicidal thoughts etc) . This new study is the first to compare the effectiveness of certain antipsychotics in treating this type of bipolar disorder longer-term, following a period of mania.

Publishing their findings online October 13 in Molecular Psychiatry, the research team was led by Lakshmi N. Yatham, M.D., of the University of British Columbia, a 1996 NARSAD Young Investigator (YI) grantee who went on to receive Independent Investigator (II) grants in 1999 and 2003.

The study focused on people with Bipolar I being treated with a combination of an antipsychotic (risperidone or olanzapine) and a mood stabilizer (lithium or valproate). The patients enrolled in the study had recently experienced manic episodes. To compare how the antipsychotics worked over long periods, some patients continued on whichever antipsychotic they were already taking, for another six months or one year in conjunction with lithium or valproate. Others, serving as controls, took placebos (or dummy pills) instead of antipsychotics along with lithium or valproate. Then, the three groups were compared: How long did it take before each patient experienced another depressive or manic episode?

Overall, the researchers found, patients were less likely to have a mood episode if they continued on antipsychotics for 24 weeks rather than taking placebos . However, the benefits of continuing antipsychotics beyond 24 weeks were not apparent as the proportion of patients that had a mood episode was not different between 24 and 52 groups.

The team noted that extended use of both antipsychotics was accompanied by weight gain in patients — clinically significant weight gain on olanzapine in 35% of patients after a year of use, and some weight gain in 15%-17% of patients on risperidone with any length of use. This suggests that the relief provided by these drugs should be considered against the potential for significant weight gain.

The researchers also observed some differences between the two types of antipsychotics as regards their longer-term usefulness, and the types of mood episodes each antipsychotic medicine helped to prevent , although they caution that these findings must be considered preliminary . For instance, beyond six months of use, those taking risperidone experienced manic or depressive episodes as frequently as the placebo group. Those taking olanzapine, on the other hand, had the fewest episodes when using the medication over a whole year rather than stopping use after 24 weeks, making the year-long treatment most effective for that drug. Risperidone tended to delay mania, while olanzapine tended to delay depression. To unpack the effects of different treatments, the researchers say, future work should examine other types of antipsychotics as well as non-antipsychotic treatments like psychotherapy, and do so in a larger patient group.