Concussion, I thank you!

pink lilyBuff Erie Co Bot Gardens.December 6, 1990

The day my son was born, the happiest day of my life!


There is a positive to having had this concussion for me. What? You may exclaim: What are you talking about!? How can whacking your head against rock hard ice and having your brain hit your skull, how can there be a positive in that?

Well, my answer to that would be: Endorphins!

With bipolar disorder, one has anxiety, one is depressed, one is manicky, in short there is no peace of mind.

When (I’m sure) my brain produced the endorphins (our brain produces these, our natural pain killers) after the concussion, et voilá, peace! My mind stopped chattering, the anxiety was gone, the ruminating thoughts disappeared. And miraculously, all was well. Nothing had changed in my life, only my brain was processing things differently! Everything was fine, no matter what, I was fine with it all. There was peace in my mind and my heart, my stomach was not tied up in knots. All was well with the world and everyone in it. My anxiety and depression were gone.

This is the gift that my concussion gave me. It reminded me that this kind of peace of mind was possible. Unfortunately, with bipolar d/o, it is rare to have this kind of mental wellness. No matter what was happening in the world externally, I was fine with it, I was at peace. I can still invoke that feeling to some extent, I can still remind myself that it is possible to feel this way, no matter what!

So thank you concussion, for reminding me that this “blissful” state was possible for me, no matter what was going on in my life!

I can take a licking and keep on ticking!

My son, the BRILLIANT skater!IMG_0160Me before my accident, oy ve!

Well, first of all, I feel like a fool for not even thinking about wearing a helmet for my first time on the ice! Not very smart. I have a concussion, but luckily, the only effect is a giant headache 😦

I feel fine and the interestingly amazing thing about all this is that my anxiety completely disappeared! Whatever measures my brain took to overcome the concussion made short work of my anxiety! Wish we knew what they were and we could bottle them. Also, I stayed in bed ALL day long, because of a terrible headache and fatigue. And I didn’t feel guilty or bad or useless about it, like I do when I stay in bed because of depression/anxiety issues. It was as if this concussion, because it was a physical reason, it was a valid reason to stay in bed. God! Even I practice stigma and discrimination against the mentally ill, namely myself.

But really, the disappearance of anxiety, and the practice of accepting that I needed to stay in bed, well these were the two positive side effects of getting a concussion. Pretty amazing, sometimes good things really do come out of bad, out of your control events.

So I am fine, have not much anxiety at all, haven’t forgotten to speak, eat, or think. Occasionally I do search for words, probably as a result of the concussion. Hopefully this will desist, as words and communicating clearly are very important to me.

Ok, so you can officially call me a Timex watch, I can take a licking and keep on ticking. Hahaha.

Ah… Tragedy Strikes Again.

Steve Montador

Steve Montador was 35 years old, he was a defenseman in the NHL and had played for the Buffalo Sabres as a defenseman. He last played in the NHL during the  2011/2012 season. He missed the 2012/2013 season due to a concussion. He spoke openly about having depression as a direct result of the concussion. He was only 35 years old. Much too young to go. I assume he was getting help, but obviously not enough. I don’t know what happened and why he lost the battle against depression. I am beyond sad and I hope his family is ok and of course my heart goes out to them. Ah every time we lose one more precious life to this blasted mental illness, it makes me literally sick to my stomach. He didn’t have to go, someone could have helped him. This is all we are left with, conditional verbs and tears.