Feeling a bit up today. Coffee/ caffeine is having its heart pounding, overly talkative effect on me again. That only happens when I am having an up swing. Time to bring out the big gun, increase my Lithium dose. I am in a play, a musical actually. A bit of a chaotic mess at rehearsals, that has me very anxious and sort of dreading them. I am also going to Istanbul, Turkey day after tomorrow, excited and a bit anxious about that. And of course, June 21st, every year, at this time, we feel the loss of my beloved brother Farooq acutely. All this anxiety will definitely push me into either an up or down swing, and up it is. Jumpy, irritable, anxious, talkative, intense, passionate, that is how I am feeling. A bit manic, or is this the real me? Oh god, please let’s not start that again… Being manicky is probably easier on me and much more difficult for other people to handle, because there is so much “more” of me than normal. I might be in your face, I might be very vocal, I will definitely be extremely intense and passionate, hard for people to handle, sometimes even I tell myself to just shut up, lol. Being depressed is much more painful and difficult for me to handle, however, it is much easier for other people to handle a depressed me, because there is so much “less” of me in my depressed state. I would be quiet as a mouse, tired, sleepy, just a sad, watered down version of myself. But easier for everyone else to handle.

Anyway, I’m up right now, so have to get back to my normal, less anxious, less up state, haha I said up state, as in Upstate NY. Ooops here come the flight of ideas, another symptom of manicness… Ok, a few days of some increased lithium and I will stop this in it’s tracks, because I really don’t have time for all this BS right now. Have to be functional, calm, and in control. Must do a good job in the play and must be normal in Turkey. That’s all there is to it. Wish me luck, oh and lithium 🙂