“Child abuse produces damaging effects in bipolar patients.” Yes, true, but I am healing from all that!

Duh! People with bipolar d/o who have been abused as children develop the illness more than four years earlier than the not abused ones. They are twice as likely to attempt suicide and four times as likely to have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

But no suicide attempts here, not in the past, not in the present, and most definitely not in the future. I have too much to live for, my son, my family, and my friends and even my Flufffluff! However, I am certain I do suffer from PTSD. Some events throw me into a firestorm of fight or flight and I act so out of character and so extreme, that after the storm passes, I am just left shaking my head and saying “Was that really me?” No it wasn’t the true, the real me, it was me under the influence of active PTSD. I think along with healing the abandonment issues with the techniques I am using, breathing, feeling the past pain, talk therapy, I will also diminish the effect of the PTSD resulting from child abuse. All this will allow my true self, which is warm, caring, loving, understanding, and patient to emerge and stay. These healing modalities will allow the abandonment anxiety and the abuse PTSD to hopefully mostly go away.

I have a small proof that they are working, last night we went to dinner, and after we got home, I couldn’t find my phone. Now normally, I would literally have been beside myself, I mean sitting beside myself, my fight or flight in the full on position, as if a massive lion was attacking me. BUT last night, I CALMLY went downstairs and looked for my phone in my car, not there. I CALMLY called the restaurant and asked if someone had turned in a phone, no. I remained calm and remembered I had the “find your phone” App, and used it on my computer, turns out it was in my condo, the sound was turned off. And I CALMLY found it! I noticed my calmness as all this was going on, it was a new feeling, to not be in full fight or flight mode. It was a new feeling, to BE OK!

I have other small victories, I was getting very anxious about an important issue in my life, and I was going to email out of that anxiety, but I calmed myself down (breathing) and talked my self out of acting out of anxiety. Something I wouldn’t have been able to do even 2 weeks ago. 

So I am learning, I am learning. And if I can learn, so can we all!

http://zeenews.india.com/news/health/health-news/child-abuse-produces-damaging-effects-in-bipolar-patients_1854144.html

Child abuse produces damaging effects in bipolar patients

London: Childhood abuse and neglect can lead to a range of negative outcomes in patients with bipolar disorder, warns a study.
Bipolar patients with a history of childhood maltreatment developed the depressive mental condition more than four years earlier than patients with no history of maltreatment, revealed the study.

In addition, they were almost twice as likely to attempt suicide and nearly four times more likely to have a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder. Also, up to 15 percent of people with bipolar disorder die by suicide, the research, published in The Lancet Psychiatry, showed.

“Our findings have important implications for clinical practice, as they suggest that a history of childhood maltreatment could be used as an early indicator of high risk for poor outcomes among individuals with bipolar disorder,” said Jessica Agnew-Blais, post-doctoral researcher at King’s College London.
Bipolar patients with a history of childhood maltreatment have more severe manic, depressive and psychotic symptoms; higher risk of post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorders, and substance and alcohol misuse disorders; earlier onset of symptoms; more frequent manic and depressive episodes; and higher risk of suicide attempt, the researchers elucidated.

One in every 25 adults is diagnosed with bipolar disorder at some point in their life. The disorder is characterised by periods or episodes of feeling very low and lethargic (depression) or of feeling very high and overactive (mania), the researchers said.
It is important to identify bipolar patients with the greatest clinical need and risk as early as possible, in order to ensure that they receive the most timely and effective interventions to reduce their risk of poor outcomes, the researchers suggested.

Maltreatment in the form of physical, sexual or emotional abuse, or neglect, affects one in five children under 18 in Britain and is known to be highly prevalent in bipolar patients (up to 60 percent).

Sadly, the only thing I can do is change psychiatrists

This is a little difficult for me to write about. It’s actually hard to believe it happened, but it did. I went to see my psychiatrist on Feb. 10th. I was telling him about how much anxiety I feel about my son, his being so far away from us, whether he is ok, whether he is looking for jobs. I have anxiety problems, as you know, and sometimes I transpose those onto my son. Sometimes there really is something worrisome going on. My psychiatrist seemed to get upset himself, and said “You have no control over what he does! He could be getting hit by a car and dying right now and you have no control!” This is making me very anxious even as I write it. I was totally flabbergasted and I sort of shrieked and said “What are you saying?” I told him that is not the right thing to say to me. It was in fact a horrible thing to say to a mother who has anxiety problems focused on her son. The whole night I kept waking up with a start and sort of panicking about my son. Who says a thing like that to a mother? How did he, my psychiatrist, who is supposed to help me, say such an awful thing? I don’t understand it. What I do know is that it is time to find a new psychiatrist. I calmed myself down in his office with the breathing exercises I have learned. I did that all night long. Even the next morning, I awoke with a start, anxious about what he had said to me. Pretty preposterous, I think. This on top of him prescribing me 125 mcg of Synthroid (my endocrinologist had prescribed 88 mcg) which was too much for me, so that now I have bad osteoporosis in my spine! and now I have to take medication for that. He had also prescribed Premarin for me, luckily I refused to take that because I knew that hormones push me into mania. Pretty awful. And this man is a highly respected psychiatrist, a supposed expert in mood disorders. Where is a person to turn? Obviously, I have to find a new psychiatrist. That in itself is quite anxiety provoking. Let’s hope I find a good one. And long live breathing exercises.

So Happy to Share That

Screen Shot 2016-02-12 at 7.47.14 PMDSCN7502 - Version 2

So happy to share that:

1) I got 31 Likes on my blog posts today. Thank you to my dear readers for this record number of likes!

2) Because of the abandonment work I’ve been doing on my self (more on that later) I am learning the signs of anxiety and not to act because I’m anxious! This is huge for me, because basically until today, whenever I felt anxious, I could not control myself from acting out in ways that were damaging to my relationships with my friends and family. Getting my life back, from the past, from the abuse, from the anxiety and panic. I am not going to let those miscreants control me anymore. I am going to control myself and my own life!

Happiness!

img_1173This is a speech ascribed to Pope Francis, my friend posted it on her FB page. Is it Pope Francis? I don’t know, but whether it is or not, the message is incredibly beautiful and clear! It’s poetic, yet illustrative of how to be happy and loving. I’m so glad I saw this and read it, thank you Cata for posting it!  I’d like to dedicate this to all my friends and family 🙂

“You can have flaws, be anxious and live irritated sometimes, but don’t forget that your life is the largest company in the world. Only you can prevent that it goes in decline. There are many who appreciate you, admire and love you. I’d like to remember that being happy is not having a sky without storms, path without accidents, work without fatigue, relationships without disappointments. Being happy is finding strength in forgiveness, hope in the battles, security at the stage of fear, love in the disagreements.
Being happy is not only enhance the smile, but also reflect on the sadness. It’s not only to commemorate the success, but to learn lessons in the failures.
It’s not only to learn how to have joy with applause, but to have joy in anonymity. Being happy is to recognize that it is worthwhile to live life, despite all the challenges, misunderstandings and periods of crisis. Being happy is not an inevitability of fate, but a conquest for he who knows how to travel to the inside of his own being. Being happy is to stop being victims of the problems and become an actor of one’s own story. It is to cross deserts outside of if, but to be able to find an oasis in the recesses of our soul. It is to thank god every morning for the miracle of life.
Being happy is not to be afraid of one’s own feelings, it is to know how to talk of himself. It is to have the courage to hear a “no”. It is to have security to receive criticism, even if it is unfair. It is to kiss the children, to pamper the parents, have poetic moments with friends, even though they hurt us. Being happy is let the live creature free, cheerful and simple, that lives in each and every one of us. It is to have the maturity to say ‘I was wrong’. Is to have the audacity to say ‘forgive me’. It is to have sensitivity to express ‘I need you’.
It is to have the capacity to say ‘I love you’. That your life becomes a garden of opportunities to be happy… That in your springs be mistress of the joy. That in your winters be friends of wisdom.
And that when you’re wrong on the way, you start all over again, because then you will be more passionate about the perfect life!
Use the tears to irrigate the tolerance. Use the losses to refine patience. Use the failures to sculpt serenity. Use the pain to store the pleasure. Use the obstacles to open the windows of intelligence.
Never give up…. Never give up on the people you love. Never give up on being happy, because life is an incredible show!

DEA Approves Ecstasy For Anxiety, MDMA Trials Begin In California

E Ecstasy pills or tablets close up studio shot methylenedioxymethamphetamine. Image shot 2004. Exact date unknown.

Wow! I wonder what my psychiatrist will think about this one, he won’t even prescribe me benzodiazepines for my anxiety! Might be a good idea to move to Marin right about now!

They used to use LSD and mushrooms as psychotherapeutic drugs in the 1950’s. They claimed, among other things, to recover memories this way, I’m not sure if they were recovering or perhaps more like creating memories with the help of hallucinogenic drugs. Don’t know, will have to wait to hear what the results of this study are.Very curious as to what it will show. Also they say that there are no longterm associations between psychedelic use and mental illness. However, if a person with eg schizophrenia genes, uses hallucinogenic drugs, the schizophrenia will be unmasked and that person will develop schizophrenia, that is quite commonly known. So that is something they’d have to be careful about. Well, we’ll have to see.

http://www.decodedmagazine.com/dea-approves-ecstasy-for-anxiety-mdma-trials-begin-in-california/

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) has approved the first clinical trial of MDMA to treat anxiety and other psychological illnesses, amid a growing resurgence in therapeutic psychedelic drug usage in the medical community.

Aljazeera.com reports:

“The tide has changed for psychedelic research,” said Brad Burge, the communications director for the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS), a California-based nonprofit research group that studies medicinal uses for psychedelics and marijuana and is sponsoring the study. The DEA approved the project on Friday, he said.

Unlike Ecstasy or Molly — names for MDMA sold on the street and often mixed with dangerous adulterants — pure MDMA has been proved “sufficiently safe” when taken a limited number of times in moderate doses, MAPS says on its website. The DEA did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

MDMA can be useful in psychotherapy for people suffering from anxiety due to life-threatening illnesses because it produces in users a sense of calm, trust and confidence, Burge said. Unlike psychedelics such as LSD and psilocybin, MDMA does not produce hallucinations, he added.

The clinical trial will be held in Marin, California, in a psychologist’s office, as opposed to a hospital setting, Burge said. The patients will lie on a couch with a therapist nearby for support and conversation.

In the trial, 18 subjects diagnosed with life-threatening illnesses will attend months of psychotherapy, with MDMA being used in a few sessions in order to facilitate the process, he said. The outcome will be measured by whether using the psychedelic helps reduce people’s anxiety, which will be determined at the end of the sessions by the patient’s feedback and the therapist’s assessments.

Researchers hope that using MDMA alongside psychotherapy will let subjects confront their situation more clearly and allow the positive steps they take during the therapy to “stick,” Burge said.

“It opens them up and makes them more comfortable with the therapist while reducing fear and making them more able to talk about difficult emotions.”

If the pilot is successful, MAPS plans to continue with further studies involving more subjects and different approaches. For now, researchers hope to establish basic safety and effectiveness, he said.

The trial is part of a larger $20 million plan to make MDMA an FDA-approved prescription medicine by 2021, Burge said. MAPS is the only organization in the world funding MDMA-assisted psychotherapy trials, he added. The institute has carried out successful pilot studies of MDMA-assisted psychotherapy for post-traumatic stress disorder, adding to the drug’s scientific credibility, he said. Other research by the institute includes ayahuasca-assisted therapy for drug addiction, LSD for cluster headaches and psilocybin for nicotine addiction.

Researchers hope to back up growing evidence that psychedelics have legitimate therapeutic uses — and to counter the narrative that has demonized them as mind-destroying drugs.

“That’s what the really good science shows, despite decades of propaganda and government misinformation,” Burge said. “Just a couple weeks ago, a phenomenal study showed that there are no long-term associations between psychedelic use and mental illnesses.”

That study was published this month in the Journal of Psychopharmacology. In addition, a recent report by Johns Hopkins Medicine, a leading U.S. medical institution combining the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and the Johns Hopkins Hospital, showed that the use of psychedelic drugs — primarily psilocybin and LSD — could reduce psychological distress and suicidal thinking.

500 Posts for bipolar1blog!

Wow, I’ve posted 500 times on bipolar1blog and now i have 500 posts! Pretty amazing! Not surprising though as I post quite frequently, but still a milestone and a testament to my dedication to this blog. Hope all my readers have enjoyed reading them as much as I have enjoyed posting them!

500 Posts

Living Life On My Own Terms

Crocuses are such harbingers of hope. When they appear, you know that winter is about to be over and spring is about to come.

crocus 1

I would like to get a handle on my abandonment issues and the ensuing anxiety and extreme fear of loss so that I can live life on my own terms.

I would like these issues (resulting from awful things that were done to me way back in the past) to NOT have any effect on my present life, moods, or actions. I am sick and tired of being controlled by something that happened years and years ago.

To get control of my life and live it on my own terms, this is what I am hoping, and expecting therapy and work on myself will accomplish.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist, Anna. I will share what happens in my session.

However long it takes, I am in it to win it, haha. No seriously, I am in it for however long it takes to heal myself and get control of my moods, emotions, actions, and ultimately my life.

Amen.

Byron Hamel: “I Am A Killer”

Choice.

There are times in our lives when we have choices, and times when we do not.

When we are children, we are led by those in charge of us.  They tell us to do things.  Mostly, we do what they say.  We believe what they believe, and behave how they behave.  We observe, and emulate.  It’s part of how we learn.  It’s human nature.

A mother is like God to a child.  Her will is destiny.  Fate.  “Do it, now” says the father.  And the child does.  The master teaches the apprentice.  This relationship between parent and child is a sacred trust.  A way to maintain safety, build character, and establish vital life habits and skills.  IF -and I mean a very big IF- the parents use their power correctly.

Essentially, as children, we are led.  And we follow.  When we are led poorly, bad things can happen.

Choices are steered by forces and circumstances beyond a child’s control or understanding.  Children neither possess the reasoning, nor the physical requirements to take command of their own lives in any responsible way.  Their views of the world are filtered through rules, limits, directions…

As children, we are sheep.  And we are vulnerable.  We are as helpless against the wolves as we are against the shepherds.  And that is why so many of us are taken advantage of as children.

We can not fight back when adults hit us.  We WILL not fight back.  We just get hurt.  And that becomes the reality of our lives.  If we are threatened into silence or submission, we will usually concede.  We will usually be victimized until, by some happy accident, a caring person intervenes.

The choice to end parental abuse is not our own.  Not while we are kids.

If we are lucky or clever enough to escape our abusive situations alive, we become adults.  And then we are called upon to make our own choices.  To behave in responsible ways of our own choosing.

But how?  How the hell do we know what to do, if nobody ever taught us correctly?

Maybe we learned when we were little that the correct way to respond to somebody denying us what we want is to punch them in the ear.  Perhaps we were taught that unsolicited fondling of another person’s genitals is the appropriate way of showing love.  It could be that we were beaten every time we expressed emotion, and therefore grew to hold our feelings inside, fearing punishment.

Now that we are adults, our understanding does not magically shift on it’s own.  If our minds and hearts become corrupted, they remain corrupted until we change them.  And change takes work.  Change takes wisdom.

But we are lost.  We truly have not been led to a place of responsibility.  But here we are, tasked with being adults.  Surrounded by other people who seem to be doing just fine.  But we’re not like them, are we?  We don’t GET IT.  We still need to learn all that very basic stuff.

And there’s a lot of it.

We are left to lead ourselves.  To teach ourselves.  But we haven’t been trained to lead.  And we don’t possess the knowledge to teach.

So what do we end up doing?  Well, we follow.  If we do not take control, we continue doing the things we learned how to do, the way that we learned how to do them.

And that is not a good thing.  It is a bad thing.  It is what monsters are made of.  But we’re not monsters.  We’re just grown up kids who got a raw deal.  And now some new kid is smiling up at us.  And we are God to that kid.  That kid is our chance to do the right thing. That kid is why we are not going to follow.  We are going to choose for ourselves.

We the abused stand on the edge of decision.  And we need to make a vital choice.  We can do the difficult thing, and learn how to parent properly.  Or we can do the horrible thing, and continue the cycle of abuse.  We the abused to do not have the luxury of inaction.  We must choose.  One, or the other.

Now that we are the adults, we have the power to choose.  We can end parental abuse before it even begins for our own children.  It may seem impossible to you.  That makes sense.  Ending a cycle of abuse is hard to do.  And I mean VERY difficult.  But the alternative is the continuation of abuse.  And that is worse.  Further, it is unacceptable.  It is inadmissible.

We need to take control.  We need to take the reigns, and choose for ourselves.  We need to parent ourselves.  Correct our damaging beliefs and behaviors.  We need to become the source of love, safety, wisdom, and security that we wish we had when we were children.

This does not happen overnight.

It will take time.  We will need help.  We will need, perhaps, medication and therapy.  We will need to be kind to ourselves.  Patient and persistent.  If we are to succeed in this, we need to learn to love ourselves in all the ways that we were not loved as children.

With this effort, we find our voices.  We make our own choices.  We take our own actions.  We refuse to emulate the wills and ways of those who damaged us.

Choice.

I made a good one.  I make good choices every day.

That is why I’m not a total piece of shit.

————-

BIO

Byron Hamel was raised by a violent man who got the death penalty for torturing and killing a baby.  As a result of his upbringing, Byron dedicates his life to fighting child abuse.  He lives with Complex PTSD, Depression, and Anorexia.  Despite his obstacles, he’s an amazing dad to his two lovely daughters.

An award-winning Canadian journalist, and television producer, his documentary film, “A Breaking Cycle”, is a powerful journey into the world of tough bikers who protect abused kids.

Byron is currently writing for his blog Trauma Dad, and his book “I Am A Killer”, to be released in 2016 by the Gravity Imprint of Booktrope Publishing.  This post is an excerpt from his work in progress.  His writing challenges readers with both depth and simplicity.  It’s raw and funny, but leaves you feeling hopeful and inspired.

http://traumadad.blogspot.ca

https://www.facebook.com/traumadad

https://twitter.com/byronhamel

https://www.facebook.com/GravityImprint

Learning to ride the waves of anxiety

Just got back from Buffalo last night. Even ordinarily, this is a depressing, and horribly anxiety ridden time for me. All manner of fearful, depressing thoughts swirl inside my brain. So with this abandonment thing going on, I was very afraid, I mean actually afraid for myself, that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. But I am riding the waves of anxiety. Sometimes it feels like my chest cavity is full of hot red pepper, sometimes it’s so intense that it literally feels like a gut punch. But I know it is only anxiety and I ride it out. I tell myself it is only a wave of anxiety and it will pass. The thoughts, which are all fears for my son and his future, I try to keep at bay. I am also reading a wonderful book called “The Journey From Abandonment to Healing” by Susan Anderson. This book has given me so much hope that I have the power to recover and live my life without the constant fear of being abandoned. It tells of people who have recovered, therefore if they could do it why the heck wouldn’t I be able to? Of course I will. And now I’ll ride the anxious waves and try to send them love.