Family Describes Chattanooga Shooter as Being on a Downward Spiral

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Just in case I may not have explained myself well enough as to what I meant, I meant to compare the culture of love so prevalent in African American communities to the culture of hate that has developed in middle eastern fringe groups, both due to religion. Also, I firmly believe that just because of the way they act, terrorists are insane people allowed access to guns or ammunition of some kind. Isis are, to me a group of whacked, insane people, with access to a large number of guns and ammo, who have grouped together to give them selves some sort of insane legitimacy. Crazy people from all over the world, including the West are flocking to them. This is not a religious philosophy, this is madness.

My mind is reeling as I read this article: “Family Describes Chattanooga Shooter as Being on a Downward Spiral” links below . The combination of mental illness, inadequate medical treatment, recreational drugs, and in this case the philosophy of the “Hashisheen”, let me not call it philosophy, it is not the love of knowledge, let me call it “philonecry” or the love of death, all these put together, to again be the cause of horrendous actions and results!

First of all, let me explain who the Hashisheen were (http://disinfo.com/2012/07/hasan-bin-sabbah-and-the-secret-order-of-hashishins/). The word Assassin comes from them. And yes, it is hashish they are talking about, which was used to drug the recruits to have them perform their murderous tasks. They were a Persian sect headed by Hasan bin Sabah, born in 1034. The students in this sect were taught to question everything, including Islamic dogma. They were intellectuals. Ultimately they were turned into the Hashisheen, or assassins through the use of drugs, a paradisal garden (Hasan’s palace) and promises, no, not just promises, but the absolute surety of going to heaven by committing murder and sacrificing themselves. So here’s what they did, they recruited young men, gave them hashish, took them to Hasan bin Sabah’s paradisal garden, while they were in their hashish high state, they were told that this garden is paradise, and this is where they will go when they murder others and kill themselves in the process. I’m sure 40 virgins were also in the garden to spur the new recruits on to do their murderous/suicidal duty!

These are the predecessors of the modern day terrorists. If Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez had been a young recruit of the Hashisheen, his actions could not have been more in accord with their tenets. As I live and breathe, I believe that mental illness was and is involved in terrorist activities. Who in their right mind would set another human being on fire while they are still alive, I ask you? Well the terrorists do it, but so did the Spanish inquisition, the English inquisition, the Nazis, so much murder, torture, and mayhem caused by religion or crazy philosophies and people. By humans. The latest of which is this news story of a mentally ill young man, who didn’t get treated adequately, using recreational drugs, to self medicate, no doubt, in combination with an insane “philosophy” of the Hashisheen as carried out by present day terrorists, all this, a powder keg of death and delusions, leading to the death of innocent people.

Is it insanity that is to blame? Is it the inadequate treatment? Is it the hashisheen/terrorists crap to blame? As I write this, as I try to make sense of of all of this, my head is swimming, I ask myself: Why? Why the death? Why the murders? Why the insanity?

In direct contrast to this hashisheen/terrorist bs is the way African Americans live life. They have been though unspeakable atrocities, and they too look for a better life, if not here, then after death. But their way is love, not hate. They forgive those who transgress against them. They truly do behave according to the philosophy of Jesus. I am in awe of these people. If someone killed my relative, I would not be able to go on TV the same day and say “I forgive you”!

The Play/musical called BUSTER! that I am in is about the same principles of love and forgiveness and “We shall overcome!” And even “We shall not, we shall not be moved! Just like a tree that’s planted by the water, we shall not be moved!” But never is it about we will blow up people and die in the process so we can go to heaven!

As a very good friend of mine pointed some of these things out to me when there was violence at cartoon drawing competitions of Mohammed in Texas, these are two extremes. Both are looking for something better, both saying if life is hard on this earth, things will get better in the next world, that alone is a very dangerous and destructive idea. But African Americans choose love and non violence, while some Middle Eastern people choose murder and suicide. Why?

Martin Luther King left his legacy of love  and a dream, of Christian values. One man! How?

Hasan bin Sabah created a sect which is violent and murderous, and is still having an affect today. Why?

Just one more thing, Arabs and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis, in general, are the most hospitable people in the world. I go to Pakistan and I am amazed at their hospitality and innocence. These are not bad, murderous people! They are being used to further an evil, murderous, violent agenda. But who benefits from this? Why is it happening? I don’t know and I am tired of it all.

Also, present day terrorism, as far as I can see, is in response to the occupation of Palestine, the land where the Arab’s were made homeless so that the dispossessed Jews could have a home. I am not excusing it, not saying terrorism is the answer, but what do you do when your home has been taken away from you, all your possessions, your country, your nationality has been taken away from you, and you have absolutely nothing but yourself. Do you go quietly and live as a homeless, nationless, nobody or nothing, or maybe do you think I will use what I have and use it for protest, my body… yes, huge issues, political, religious, moral issues and questions. Do I have the answers, no. But I am asking the questions.

I try to end on a positive note in my blog posts. For this one, I have nothing. Or maybe I do… one person can make a world of difference… we should make sure we are having the “right” affect, leaving the world a better place because of our existence.

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2015/07/21/424975751/family-describes-chattanooga-shooter-as-being-on-a-downward-spiral?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20150721

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/21/us/chattanooga-gunman-wrote-of-suicide-and-martyrdom-official-says.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur

Moment to moment.

If theatre teaches you one thing, it is to stay in the moment, to stay in the now. You drop a line? Let it go. Go on to the next line. If you think about your dropped line, you will miss the next line as well. Let it go, stay in the moment. You dropped your cue? Let it go, move on to the next cue. No time for thinking. If you think about the dropped cue, you will drop the next one too. This is perfect practice for life, yes theatre as practice for life. In your life, you drop a line, it’s done, it’s in the past. Move on, leave the past behind, stay in the moment.

I will NOT drop any lines in the performance tonight! But if I do, I will leave them behind, in the land of abandoned, silent, unfulfilled lines, and I will go on, on stage to give my next lines, the lines that are fortunate and heard, bounced off of the audiences’ eardrums and appreciated by the theatre goers. These lines live in the land of NOW. And it is constantly now and we must stay here and deliver and never worry about what’s past.

The Power of Now, The Power of Theatre!

PS

It was amazing that the audience members who knew Anne Braden, appreciated my performance so well. This is the first time I’ve actually played a historical figure and to get that kind of feedback is priceless!

Pics after tonight’s performance. Wish me “Break a leg!” gentle readers!

Well color me stupid…

Picture a sheepish face… me… for complaining about the play. I went on stage with the flu, and did it! We all did it! We got a standing ovation! People who knew Anne Braden (my character) said I “WAS” Anne Braden! Quite a compliment! It was an outstanding effort by everyone! And I feel bad about whining and going on. But that is in the past. This is a new moment, and today I promise myself never to whine again and I mean it very sincerely until I forget and whine again… but I am only human… and there is no better medium to showcase the human condition than theatre. And today, we proved that good theatre can move people, even when you’re playing characters who the audience knows well.

I am proud of myself for not giving in to my own or anyone else’s negativity. And I go forth into tomorrow and tomorrow’s performance with a happy and light heart and more confidence than ever.

Forgive me gentle readers, for whining. And congratulate me on my victory, against the flu and against any negative notions!

Positive, positive, positive, from now on!

Pictures next time! Oh and yes, I killed my monologue!

Oseltamivir aka Tamiflu and theatrical events…

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This is my 3rd day taking Tamiflu, my flu symptoms have gotten better, but now is something else happening? Something of the neuropsychiatric variety? Feeling depressed and weepy…wow can I not get a break, please? Does everything have to always be this difficult? Sisyphus ain’t got nothin’ on me!

Ok, so I have been in this play, which has not been a very pleasant experience to begin with, at all… then I got the flu, becoming less pleasant by the second… so I took Tamiflu and now I feel very depressed… least pleasant of all… What am I supposed to do? Does it always have to be such an uphill climb? God, does it never get any easier? Is it just my filter from when I was a child experiencing negative events, or are these events really so bad that they deserve this magnitude of a negative response from me, or is it depression caused by Tamiflu? How the hell am I supposed to know! All I know is whether because of the flu, the antiviral, or my mood disorder, my past, or present events, hell lets say all of the above, add to that the disrespect and negativity that I have encountered with this particular play, I totally feel like shit… and yet I am going to perform tonight for opening night, and then for the rest of the six performances, because that is what you do when you take on a play, you do it till the end.

Of course, I could walk out and tell them to eff off, but I won’t, I’m too responsible and too much of a miss goodie two shoes to do that. However, I am NEVER doing any more plays, ever again. I don’t trust the process, I will never put myself at the mercy of someone, who has power over me. Not after this god awful experience. Not ever again.

Sorry for the rant, dear readers. I am just very distressed and quite puzzled and… oh whatever… I’m going to take a hot shower, get my hair done and walk into the theater with my head held high and perform for the audience, perform the story that is being told. That is the important thing! Not my ego, or slights to it!

Oh and below is a link of an article of a young Korean girl who became suicidally depressed and then developed bipolar disorder (BPD) after taking Tamiflu. Coincidence? Tamiflu brought out the BPD? Can’t say.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3022319/

Outrageous!!

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Even though I am not feeling well, I couldn’t just let this go by without a comment! For some reason, this post appeared on my FB page, it’s a page by a person whose mother supposedly has bipolar d/o. He says her doctor didn’t know anything, but if you buy his booklet for $9.95, you’ll know everything there is to know about handling your loved one’s bipolar d/o. Hmmm, the doctor didn’t know anything, but this person does, and he will sell you all you need to know for only $9.95! Somehow, this sounds like a scam to me. I would rather listen to my doctor than to some nobody (to me) on the internet.

This is what he says: “This guide is only $9.95 Bucks, you’d be pretty dumb not to grab it.

Either prepare to suffer for months to years, or get this report, otherwise you’re sure to make GIANT mistakes with this terrible disorder in ways you can’t imagine.”

Striking fear into people’s heart who are suffering either because of their own mental illness, or their loved one’s! Wow, how unbelievably unethical can you be?

Please beware of these scam artists. And do not give them a penny for god knows what kind of advice and information! This page should be taken off, this website needs to be shut down!

https://www.facebook.com/Bipolar.Disorder.Support/info?tab=page_info

http://www.bipolarcentral.com/

A Physical Illness For A Change

Buster Poster

Yes Gentle Readers, I have a cold. Not just a mild cold, a whopper of a cold. My nose feels like it is made of solid concrete. And the rest of me feels quite like a wet rag. For the last two days I thought I was suffering from really bad allergies, but now I am sure it is a cold. My sister had it when we were in Turkey, I’m sure it’s the same one. Wow! The timing could not have been worse. Three days till the opening of our play called  “Buster!” We have 5 hour rehearsals every night and then the performances start. This takes an enormous amount of energy, as you have to be on your toes the whole time you are on stage, and for this Musical In Concert, it means the WHOLE 5 HOURS! Ugh! Did I say this was an awful time to get a cold? Well it is, all I want to do is stay in bed, with an icepack on my head, but no such luck. I’ll be there for the rehearsals, and OF COURSE for the performances, because gentle readers, the show must go on!

PS

Usually, as a person with bipolar disorder, I look forward to physical illnesses, lol, because you get so much more sympathy and understanding if you have the flu, for example, than if you have the depression (why are people in a depression and have the flu?), you don’t have to hide the fact that you have the flu, you just rest in bed, maybe get Tamiflu, and everyone understands, and you get better, and go on your merry way. No one tells you to be strong, to be positive, it’s all in your mind. BUT, this time I don’t have the luxury to be physically ill, as weird as that may sound… I have a play, OMG, I have to be ready to do this play. Maybe Dayquil will work, and none of the ingredients will make me manicky… might not be so bad, manicky might be good for on stage… ok I’m rambling, I’m done, going to bed…

My PMAD (Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder) Gets No Respect! Part One

My friend Dyane’s exhaustive review of what is and in not Postpartum Bipolar Disorder!

dyane's avatarVegan Keto for Bipolar Disorder

Rodney-Dangerfield-no-respect

Happy Thursday, my friends! Thanks for stopping by!

Since 2013 I’ve abstained from writing this post because I worried it wouldn’t apply or appeal to most of you, even if you have bipolar disorder. But I decided to finally spill the beans. Why? Because it feels good, it’s free, and most importantly, there’s the chance this information may be relevant to a reader.

Postpartum bipolar disorder is often ignored or misunderstood by the postpartum and bipolar communities. It helps to know what postpartum bipolar disorder is, exactly, as different definitions are floating around the world.

So here goes – a little bit ‘o explanation – PPBD 101, if you will! 😉

My mood disorder postpartum bipolar disorder (PPBD) is also sometimes referred to as postpartum onset bipolar disorder. While I’m currently seeking a more recent statistic, in 2008 it was found in the United States that 29 out of 1000 women were affected by…

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Learned a lesson

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I always think I can do anything! I mean I learnt Turkish at the age of 28, I cook all kinds of food, gourmet to street, I blog, I take photographs, I indoor garden, I designed my kitchen and whole condo when it was being renovated and then decorated it all, I… well you get it… So it’s very difficult for me to admit that I can’t do something, picture a frowning face with lips sticking out. Well I had a solo song in the musical called “BUSTER” that I am in. But because it was written in the wrong key for me, and because I panicked and got awful stage fright while singing, as well as the “music director” (snort) was not willing to help me in any way, when I sang the song, it came out squeaky and weak. So I blew it. It also didn’t help that we were in a small room and the pianist was banging on the piano so loudly that even if I had a megaphone, I wouldn’t have been heard. And the other 4 out of 5 principle actors are professional singers, so their voices are out of this world. But ultimately, I can’t blame anyone else, I am the one who didn’t sing the song strongly enough. I feel as if something that was mine has been taken away from me. I seriously have an issue about not being heard, must be from childhood. I didn’t have a voice as a child, abused children seldom do. So this cuts deep and cuts raw in some ways. Literally, my song has been taken away from me. I can sing the song pretty well, I do it at home all the time. But if a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it, does it make a noise? Hahaha. Fine, I admit, my singing is not as strong as it needs to be to sing in a musical with singers who have voices that will blow you away. The lead actor sang on Broadway!

Anyway, my song has been changed into my monologue. Now, with my monologue, I feel confident and strong, and I will blow people away! So, wow, hunh, who knew? but things turned out right! As Buster would say: “God works in mysterious ways!” And I still sing 20+ songs with everyone else.

This is the first time I am in a musical. People are expected to pick up songs, dances, like they have always been singing these songs and dancing these steps. You have to be extremely extroverted and sure of yourself, and when I am not sure of myself, I become a squeaky little mouse. So even though I wasn’t successful at singing publicly, I did learn what it takes to be in a musical and if I ever try again (someone kick me if I do 😉 ) I will be much more likely to be successful at it.

So, yes a disappointment, but not a failure, I’ll consider it a learning experience. And yes, lesson learned, I can’t do everything, only almost everything, hahaha… Now I’m off to perfect my monologue 🙂 That I can do!

Armor not shackles!

ARMOR

Just saw this graphic, and I absolutely love it! It resonated with me so much. I wanted to share it with all my blog readers and friends. As a person with bipolar disorder, with a family history of bipolar disorder, tragedy has certainly touched my life. My grandmother lost her brother at a young age, most likely to bipolar disorder, and I lost my precious, beloved brother Farooq, he was only 26 years old. So, to see this graphic put into clear words something that I was always (subconsciously) trying to do, it is helpful and inspiring, and emotional all at the same time. Imagine, all your tragedies are now your armor, they strengthen you by having gone through them, they do not shackle you to weakness.

This is so empowering for me that I really wanted to share it, hopefully all who see it will get the same empowering message as I did. Love and peace.