Really hate this disease/illness/hell today. My adrenalin spikes are so high that when they happen, they make me behave in an extreme and obsessive and insane way. My friends, even ones who know I have this illness, find it extremely difficult to deal with me and understand why I am behaving this way. I don’t blame them, who wants a rash, obsessed, crazy person around. I mean when a friend says “You’re doing it again. Please settle down a little” it is a wake up call, and it is embarrassing beyond belief… And not only that, am I now supposed to contact this friend again? The issue that I was going on and on about is drowned in this manicky behavior and never gets addressed. It seems to be happening more this year than in the past years… Lithium, Seroquel, whatever, it isn’t controlling this manicky aspect of my illness. And then I feel like absolute crap that I behaved like a lunatic again. WTF am I supposed to do? Call my psychiatrist so he can add on a 3rd medication with triple the awful side effects? Oh My God. Leave me the eff alone, leave my brain alone. Why do I have to live in this hell? This hell of embarrassment and chagrin and fear? Fear because I am so afraid all my friends will leave me, all my family will leave me because of my strange, obsessed, extreme behavior.  Tis the season, tis the season alright, of being as annoying, extreme, and frightening as I can be. Ho ho ho.

Is there not a positive way to look at this too? That a friend realized I was acting manicky and cared enough to check me thereby stopping me in my manic tracks? That means I have good, I mean GOOD friends. My friends, even though I am acting really annoying, recognize that that’s not me and give me a warning. Who could ask for better friends?

Even though I have this disease, I have friends and family who look out for me and let me know when I am behaving in a manicky way, so that I recognize what I am doing and stop. Ok, lets go with this version, where everyone is helping me overcome my illness’ symptoms and somehow banish, banish, banish the fear.

And if you readers have no idea what I am talking about, consider yourselves very lucky.

From: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/bipolar-disorder-ellen-forney_n_5823138.html.

About 2.6 percent of American adults — nearly 6 million people — have bipolar disorder, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). But the disease, characterized by significant and severe mood changes, is still dangerously misunderstood.

Bipolar disorder is vastly different from the normal ups and downs of everyday life, but many have co-opted the term to refer to any old change in thoughts or feelings. The mood swings in someone with bipolar disorder, sometimes also called manic depression, can damage relationships and hurt job performance. It has been estimated that anywhere from 25 to 50 percent of people with bipolar disorder attempt suicide at least once.

Artist Ellen Forney detailed her diagnosis with bipolar disorder in the graphic memoir Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and  Me. Forney previously shared her story with us, specifically detailing how her bipolar disorder has affected her creative work.

Below are some poignant pages from the memoir, the memoir, along with unique commentary into how these panels came to be and what they mean to Forney, in her own words.

 So true and empowering.

During the Holidays, everyone is heading home. What is a home? Is it simply where you live? The structure of walls, doors, and windows? Or is it more than that? Is it the place where your friends are? Is it, as they say, where the heart is? Is it the place where you feel happy, where your positive emotions reside with you? Is it familiar and well known, where you know all the places around and don’t feel like a stranger? Is it where your loved ones are close by? Yes, yes and yes. All yes. And I feel very sad and still am having a very difficult time having moved out of Buffalo.

Buffalo still feels like home, except I don’t have a home here. and after a year, Louisville still does not feel like home, and funnily enough I do have a home there. I have friends there, new friends. Friends I’ve made within the last year. Friends who are very welcoming and warm, but with whom I have no history. They haven’t known me since I was a preteen. They don’t know much about me. Maybe that’s better, haha! My friends in Buffalo are friends of my childhood days. There is such a connection here in Buffalo, I come back all the time and connect with my friends, but it is temporary, because in a week, in ten days, I leave again. It is a disjointed, disconnected, disassociated existence. I know full well I have a beautiful home in Louisville. I know I am fortunate and blessed that I have friends in Louisville and in Buffalo and that financially I can afford to visit Buffalo as I want to. Of course, Aral’s here. And sometimes I miss him terribly. I think I have no right to complain, everything is going well. Aral is doing so well in Law School, knock on wood! Our condo in Louisville has been totally renovated and is just beautiful. I am happy about that of course. I don’t know. Discontent seems to be the mood of the hour. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

We people with mental illnesses have to take the scariest drugs/meds. There are mood stabilizers out there (see Saphris, Latuda) whose side effect is sudden death!!! When I was put on those meds and I looked up their side effects and saw “sudden death” as one of them, I literally laughed out loud. And yet there it is!! Of course everyone has heard about the black box warning on antidepressants, which says they can cause suicidal thoughts and actions. Psychiatric medications have the most horrendous side effects!! There is diabetes and blindness for Seroquel, which I an currently on. I also get awful muscle cramps in my legs, so bad that they wake me up at night. Actually that’s pretty minor. My friend Andrew had bad tardive dyskinesia (uncontrollable movements,) so extreme that he doesn’t leave his home. Lithium can cause kidney failure. Doctors rarely want you to decrease your dose of meds if your mood is stable. However if the side effects are intolerable, then the dose has to be decreased. You have to walk the tight rope between least number of symptoms and least number of side effects, and hope you don’t fall off performing your little high wire act.

If you have a mood disorder then you surely know all about this! Thoughts that pass regularly through my head are: Am I getting too angry? Am I getting angry too often? Am I being too emotional? Am I too sad and weepy? Am I too irritable? Are my thoughts flitting from subject to subject? Even the thought “Am I too happy” crosses my mind, although this is a rare occurrence. Depending on the answer to those questions which I ask myself regularly, sort of reflexively after 28 years, one or more of my meds has to be increased. But eventually these meds’ fuses will come down if the side effects are too intolerable… Lithium and Seriquel. These two stalwart pillars in my treatment regime. Zoloft used to be one of my meds, but as I have said in the past, is no longer in my repertoire of meds as it causes cycling and mixed mood phases in people with bipolar 1 d/o like me. Now if I go into a depression, I am hoping that Vit. D, and Omega 3 fatty acids along with Zumba and other vigorous physical activity will help me come out of it, or better yet, prevent me from going into a depression altogether. One can always hope! 😉
I said I am always monitoring my mood. This is actually not an easy feat. It’s hard to judge my moods as I am judging my moods with the same organ that produces these moods, namely the brain. So it is hard to be objective. But I do s fairly decent job of it. At least that’s what I think. Haha. So anyway, anger, irritability, flight of ideas, insomnia (not a mood but easier to gauge) are all signs of mania. So is weight loss. Irritability, somnolence weight loss or weight gain are signs of depression. So we people with mood d/o’s have to be hyper vigilant in monitoring our moods so that these phases don’t get carried away from us and end up in a hospitalization. For me hospitalization is definitely defeat. I will go into the hospital like I did in 2009. But it is the mood disorder winning and me losing when that happens. Probably s strange thought to some, but that’s what I think. Perhaps it’s really is an unreasonable way to think, but my objective is to stay well enough, by being treated with meds and being hyper vigilant about my mood changes, to stay out of the hospital and live a normal, happy life with no mood upheavals. In reaching this objective, my doctor is my ally and I trust and depend on him. But I am also my own best advocate as I know my illness really well and I know what’s going on inside my head… really wish I didn’t live there but I do,,, oh well c’est la vie, n’est pas?
Well that’s all for now.

Below is an analysis of 10 studies that show that taking Vitamin D and Omega 3 Fatty Acids alleviates the symptoms of seasonal depression (SAD), major depressive d/o and bipolar d/o. In fact, in countries where diets were high in Vitamin D and Omega 3’s, there were lower rates of depression and suicidal thinking. Time for me to start taking my Vitamin D and Omega 3’s regularly! Please consult your doctor before going on any medicines, natural or otherwise.

The review is below.

Clinical Studies Show Fish Oil & Vitamin D May Alleviate Symptoms of Seasonal Depression and Bi-Polar Disorder

Read more: http://m.digitaljournal.com/pr/2369723#ixzz3Ksk65i8X

There have been some recent Meta-Reviews of Scientific Research into the role of Fish Oils and Vitamin D in combating the symptoms of Depression and Bi-Polar Disorder. Researchers pooling the results of 10 randomized trials involving 329 patients found that omega-3 fatty acids (found in fish oil) improved depressive symptoms in patientswith either bipolar disorder or major depression compared to placebo. It is of interest that countries whose populations consume the most amount of fish oil in their diets have lower rates of major depression and suicidal thinking.

In a study performed by Brigham and Women’s Hospital, Dept. of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Researchers found that the Omega-3 fatty acid patient group had a significantly longer period of remission than the placebo group. In addition, for nearly every other outcome measure, the Omega-3 fatty acid group performed better than the placebo group. Omega3 fatty acids were well tolerated and improved the short-term course of illness in this study of patients with bipolar disorder.

In another well noted study, researchers at the New York State Psychiatric Institute, found that Supplements containing EPA = 60% of total EPA + DHA, in a dose range of 200 to 2,200 mg/d of EPA in excess of DHA, were effective against primary depression. Omega-3 Fatty Acids are not alone in being an all natural aid to alleviating these symptoms, as Vitamin D has also shown great promise in these treatments for depression. At the 2014 meeting of the International Society for Bipolar Disorders, researcher Baseok Cha discussed the importance of vitamin D supplementation in bipolar patients, who often have deficient or insufficient levels. People receive 50 to 90% of their vitamin D from sunlight, and the rest from diet and supplements. Too much sunscreen can be a problem if it prevents a person from receiving enough vitamin D from sunlight.

Nutrusta has created an Omega-3 Fatty Acids Formula that contains therapeutic doses of both Omega-3’s and Vitamin D3. When taken together, the effect is significantly enhanced.

Read more: http://m.digitaljournal.com/pr/2369723#ixzz3KsjvQGVr

You think mental illness happens to “other people”,

Look around, talk to people.

It happens to everyone, everywhere.

You may be surprised to know that:

His sister.

Her brother.

Their cousin.

Your mother.

No other than me myself and I.

Are blessed/cursed with mental illness.

Excepting severe manic phases and severe depressed phases, gratefulness and thankfulness can work wonders in a person’s life. If one is feeling in the normal mood range, then feeling grateful for what one has, rather than wanting more and more, can really do wonders for one’s mood and outlook on life. Imagine sitting on your couch at home, being sad and feeling horrible because your house isn’t big enough, your car isn’t fancy enough, you don’t have enough friends, etc. etc..

Now imagine sitting on your couch at home, and being really thankful for your beautiful home, and being thankful you’re not homeless, being grateful you have a car that works, being so happy about all the wonderful, loving friends you have. Gratefulness, an instant mood lifter, an instant heart opener, nothing better!

So in this (American, European) Holiday season, whether we have mental illnesses, physical illnesses, whether we are lucky enough to have no illnesses, if we practice gratitude and thankfulness, it may well be a very good Holiday season.