You left us much too soon.

Did you know how much we loved you?

Didn’t you know how much you had to live for?

It was just an illness.

It was just a thought.

They were only emotions, gone awry.

You were stronger than that, yet for an instant you thought you weren’t.

Do you know how much I wish I had been there.

How much I wish I had held your hand and walked you across the precarious bridge of your darkest thoughts?

That’s all it would have taken, just my hand grasping yours, but I wasn’t there.

It was just one little instant that wrought catastrophe…

We loved you with all our hearts, we still do.

You live in our hearts, you really do.

My son has your eyes, when I look at him, sometimes I see you looking back at me.

Your son and your daughter are precious and beloved.

I miss you and your sweetness and your humor, your intelligence, your sensitivity.

Our hearts broke into pieces when you left…

We will never forget.

Always, your adoring and loving Apa.

To My Dearest Brother

Don’t do it, my dearest Farooq,

Let this pain find a way to mend.

I know it feels like endless night,

But even darkness bows to light.

Your heart is heavy, full of ache,

Wounds unseen but real, not fake.

Yet you are more than all this pain,

A soul too bright to lose in rain.

So hold my hand, don’t slip away,

I’ll stand beside you, come what may.

Let me share your hurt, your sorrow,

Stay with me—let’s find tomorrow.

You are loved, so deeply true,

The world is warmer with you.

This is a hard one to write, but of course remember I must and write I must. My baby brother, whose life was shortened when he took his own life due to bipolar disorder in 1991 at the age of 26, would have been 50 on October 3rd. The loss and sadness never diminish. The what ifs never go away. The mind and the heart cry out against the injustice of it. Such a sweet, loving, intelligent, beautiful person. How could we have lost him so prematurely? Why didn’t someone, the doctors, the social workers, the psychologists, why did no one help him? How were we, his family, unable to help him? I was living in Little Rock, Arkansas at the time, and had just come back from Buffalo, trying to help my brother and my family cope with his illness. How I wish I had stayed. Maybe I could have saved him. The last thing he said to me before I left was “Now I’m going to miss you.” And I’d told him I’d be back soon. The very last thing he said to me on the phone, a few days before he left us for good was I love you. Three heartbreaking little words. Oh how I miss you Farooq, My little brother. Oh how I will miss you the rest of my days.
It seems like a dream when we had him in our midst. This adored, lovely, strikingly handsome, loving, sensitive, young man, you left us too soon. You didn’t see your little girl grow up to be a doctor. You didn’t see your little boy grow up to be a handsome, young personal trainer.
Yes the toll bipolar disorder takes is a heavy one. An almost unbearable one.
He is the reason I am going to work on bipolar disorder in a lab, and I so hope we can find something through this research that will help other people with this awful disease. The help that my brother never got. Goodnight Sweet Prince. My beloved sweet, little Farooq.

Best of 2013: GoodTherapy.org’s Top 10 Websites for Bipolar Disorder

From: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/best-of-2013-goodtherapyorgs-top-10-websites-for-bipolar-1129137

November 29, 2013  • A GoodTherapy.org Announcement

Bipolar, also known as manic depression, manifests in a variety of ways, but ultimately involves cyclic swings in mood and behavior of an extreme nature. A person with bipolar must learn to live with periods of severe depression in which he or she experiences debilitating lethargy and overwhelming sadness, hopelessness, and emptiness, followed by periods of intensely exhilarating or—in some cases—highly destructive energy known as mania.

Full-blown manic episodes typically involve rapid thought and/or speech patterns; insomnia; delusions of grandiosity; compulsive behaviors such as overspending, sexual promiscuity, and substance abuse; and, in severe cases, violent outbursts and psychosis (being out of touch with reality). Manic episodes may also trigger productivity, particularly with regard to creative and artistic pursuits.

Bipolar is currently divided into bipolar I and II diagnoses, with bipolar I characterized by severe bouts of mania, while bipolar II is characterized by intermittent episodes of hypomania, a milder—though still chaotic and disorienting—form of mania. Waves of depression and mania associated with both types of bipolar may occur in long, drawn-out spells or in shorter time frames, or swings from one to the other emotional state may occur several times within a day. When this occurs, it is referred to as rapid cycling. Still others may house manic and depressive symptoms at the same time in any given moment, known as a mixed state.

According to the United Kingdom-based Equilibrium foundation for bipolar, approximately 254 million people are affected by bipolar worldwide. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that bipolar typically begins to develop in late adolescence or early adulthood, with at least half of all cases showing signs and symptoms before age 25. Many individuals diagnosed with bipolar are able to reclaim their well-being though therapy, education, coping strategies, and support.

To assist people in understanding bipolar, we selected the 10 best online resources of 2013—GoodTherapy.org excluded—for this complex mental health condition. Among the criteria we considered in making our selections are quality and depth of content, presentation, and functionality.

• Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA): Based in Chicago, DBSA provides educational resources and support for those diagnosed with depression, bipolar, and anxiety, as well as people who wish to learn more about mood issues. The site offers informational brochures, podcasts, and training materials; the latest in treatment options and research; guidance on offering peer support to loved ones; and a search tool for online and in-person support groups nationwide. It will soon offer a resources section for clinicians.
• International Bipolar Foundation (IBF): This nonprofit organization, based in San Diego, is determined to eradicate stigma surrounding bipolar through public education, to promote and improve support services, and, ultimately, to eliminate the existence of bipolar by way of advancements in research. In addition to educational resources, current research, and international news pertaining to bipolar, the IBF hosts webinars on a variety of bipolar-related topics.
• Bipolar Support: When you first land on this site, you may be overwhelmed by their deep blue-purple background and basic design and layout, but the resources here are plentiful. Several links to information on bipolar in all its various forms, downloadable tools and presentations, forums and chat groups, bipolar-related articles and surveys, additional bipolar websites and resources, a bipolar encyclopedia, and even a bipolar bookstore can be accessed via this comprehensive online collection.
• The Balanced Mind Foundation: This not-for-profit organization strives to provide families raising children and teenagers who have been diagnosed with mood issues with the information, guidance, and support they need to thrive. Based in Chicago, this network of concerned citizens offers educational resources, online support groups, chats, forums, blog articles, and videos to help those seeking a sense of community as well as a deeper understanding of bipolar in children and adolescents.
• Equilibrium—The Bipolar Foundation: Based in Oxford, England, this international organization is a collective effort to further the understanding and treatment of bipolar, as well as to remove stigma and prejudice that often accompany a bipolar diagnosis. The Equilibrium network includes people living with bipolar, their families and loved ones, clinicians and health professionals, research partners, and advocacy groups across the globe, and the site provides educational and research-based news and resources pertaining to bipolar, as well as a wide range of support.
• Bipolar Child Support: As the name suggests, this special education advocacy website is devoted to support and guidance for those seeking a comprehensive understanding of bipolar in children and teenagers. The site also provides parents, caregivers, educators, and teachers with access to free and appropriate public education (FAPE) resources on bipolar and how it manifests in children, as well as how to handle the unique educational needs of a child or teen diagnosed with bipolar. Among the many resources are interactive tools and activities for working with children and a running feed of bipolar “hot topics.”
• Mood Disorders Society of Canada (MDSC): This not-for-profit, consumer-driven, and voluntary health charity is committed to advocacy and giving a strong, national voice to people with mood issues and their caregivers and loved ones. The site’s numerous resources include basic information on depression and bipolar, discussion forums, up-to-date research, and news feeds. Downloadable posters for MDSC’s “Elephant in the Room” anti-stigma campaign, which seeks to erase stigma surrounding mental illness in the classroom and workplace, also are available.
• bp Magazine’s bphope blog: This digital and print magazine’s website provides information on bipolar, a discussion forum, excerpts from “in this issue” articles, and a blog, all geared toward offering “hope and harmony for people with bipolar.” The bphope blog publishes posts covering a vast array of topics related to bipolar and other mood issues, the bulk of which are insider perspectives on coping with the day-to-day challenges of living with a mental health condition.
• Parents Med Guide http://www.parentsmedguide.org/: Developed by the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, the medication guides on this site were created for parents of children and adolescents diagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity, depression, and bipolar. The downloadable Parents’ Medication Guide for Bipolar Disorder in Children and Adolescents includes basic information on bipolar, available medication options, types of psychosocial therapy, current research, and national resources, along with other educational insights.
• Bipolar Caregivers http://www.bipolarcaregivers.org/: This informative site is designed specifically for the caregivers of those who are living with bipolar and over the age of 18. It offers basic information as well as a number of resources and suggestions on how to successfully care for and assist people with bipolar. An added perk is the section devoted to the well-being of the caregiver, which includes advice on how to keep healthy, maintain boundaries, and cope with the personal impact of being in the caregiver role.

Reference:

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Bipolar disorder. Retrieved from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml

This is a very strange disease, bipolar disorder (BPD) is. In some ways you can be very functional even in the midst of a severe episode. Like, for example, a lot of my poems were written while in quite a severe phase of BPD. I even managed to get a job, and drive to New Orleans while I was pretty sick. On the other hand, emotionally, you are a wreck. Of course, even in the best of times, we BPD people are highly sensitive people, reaching depths of emotions, good and bad, that people without mood disorders cannot and do not. However, when we are sick, the levels and depths of emotions are off the charts. Sadness is pure tragedy and calamity, anxiety can be experienced as severe panic attacks. If you are lucky enough to feel happiness, it is extreme jubilation. Emotions to the nth degree. Anger can be explosive. And of course the antithesis of this is anhedonia, where one has no positive emotions or enjoyment. This is terrifying. It feels like an emotional vacuum, where all good feelings have been sucked out from you, and have left an aching emptiness behind.

Speaking of aching emptiness, that is familiar feeling to anyone who has been depressed. In its severe form, depression can sometimes feel like the worst heartbreak you have ever experienced. No wonder people who have mental illnesses turn to drugs and alcohol. It is unbearable to feel like that, so self medication, which unfortunately may lead to addiction, is often the way for people to try to cope with mental illness.

Another thing that is very strange about this illness (and other mental illnesses) is that the person who is afflicted, often looks normal. If I am in a depression, no one who looks at me can say I am ill. Same with being manic. I don’t look any different, so people don’t realize I am sick and I am expected to carry on and function as if this illness didn’t exist at all. If a person breaks their leg, and has a cast on, we realize there is something wrong with their leg and we don’t ask them to run a marathon. When a person is depressed, often they are expected to work, live, and act normally. If we cry we are told that things aren’t that bad, that we should look at all the good in our lives, how much we have to be thankful for. That’s fine, it helps, but when my brain is in withdrawal because the levels of neurotransmitters are in low supply, and the symptoms of which are crying, hopelessness, rumination, negative thinking, then it is very difficult to just snap out of it. Same with mania, there are a group of symptoms that exemplify mania and you simply cannot will yourself out of those. The best you can do is realize “Oh no, it’s happening again!” And call your doctor to have your medication adjusted, in most cases doses have to be increased.
Perhaps some people think you are just plain crazy and simply cut off relations with you. But it is an illness, granted it affects thoughts and behaviors, it can have deleterious effects on other people. But it is an illness and as far as I am concerned, it is not a reason to cut of relations with someone. You just realize that a person has this illness, and it can act up sometimes. But I don’t consider myself crazy. I am a very sane person most of the times, and with the increase in my meds, I hope to be very sane all the time. :-))
Yes, it is a very strange disease, this I do agree with.

Many people with bipolar disorder (BPD) refuse to take medication. Even if they do go on meds, they may reduce the dose or not take enough to control their symptoms. This can be for a few reasons, 1) The side effects may be so bad that the meds may be intolerable. For example I have had literally half my hair fall out with Depakote and Trileptal. I have also had debilitating migraines with Latuda, unbelievable anxiety with Wellbutryn SR, and other pretty bad side effects from a plethora of other drugs. 2) Some patients may be sort of addicted to the ups of mania and don’t want to take any medication that will bring them down to normal. Although I don’t really have ups, I have mixed episodes, for some reason I didn’t want to take the full 900 mg of Lithium, so I used to suffer through major mood upheaval every year. I don’t know why I didn’t take the recommended dose, I told myself that I didn’t need that high a dose, that my body couldn’t handle that high a dose, that I was fine taking 1/3 the recommended dose. And it is true, a 900 mg dose was a lot for me at first, but now after about 2 months of being on 900 mg of Lithium, the side effects have abated a bit and it is actually not too bad. So what I’ve realized now is that I’ve been sabotaging myself as far as taking the correct dosage is concerned. Yes I am dismayed that I caused so much suffering for my self and my loved ones, however, I am starting from now and changing what I can. I can not go back to the past and undo what happened, if I could I certainly would. Ugh… I don’t know why I didn’t just take 900 mg, it is really foolhardy that I didn’t. I suffered a lot and lost days and days of my life. Also, a recent experience in my life has taught me that I need to take full responsibility for my illness and my mood, so I am now doing that, starting with taking the correct dosage of the correct medicine.

I am going to have a Lithium level done on Monday, and the optimal dose is 0.6-0.75 mmol/L. Hopefully mine level is there, if not, I may try to increase the dose in conjunction with my doctor.

I am very hopeful that this dose will stop the cycling allowing me to be normal and productive and happy and healthy :)) Also, this will stop me from being a burden to my amazing and lovely family and friends who have always been there for me.

Wish me luck in this endeavor!