Wide Arc Mood Swings

Emotions are a double edged sword for people with bipolar d/o. Our intense emotions allow us to feel deeply, be empathetic, be creative. But these intense emotions can also break us. Things like Empty Nest Syndrome are very difficult to deal with, as our emotions get get very intense and painful and difficult to handle for ourselves. Any kind of emotional upheaval is more difficult when you have a mood disorder. We people who have bipolar 1, 11, or major depressive or anxiety disorders have a more difficult time coping with it. We feel so much more deeply, we really do, I’m not making that up. Whether we are happy or sad, we feel off the charts. Our mood swings are more extreme and have a wider arc than someone who doesn’t have a mood disorder.

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Here’s a figure I made. It’s not exact, just illustrative, the normal mood range is a little past the lines labelled “Normal Depression” and “Normal Euphoria.” The Bipolar mood swings however can go beyond even the “Out of Touch with Reality Depression” and “Out of Touch with Reality Mania“!!! That is some depth and intensity of emotion, that is why when people are in a severe depression, they kill themselves, because the depth, the intensity, the very quantity of their sadness is too painful, too intense to bear.

Just something I wanted to share with people who don’t know what it feels like to have a mood disorder.

Mood stabilizers like Lithium Carbonate, Depakote, Abilify keep us in mostly the normal mood range. They are literally heaven sent for us, people with mood d/o’s. I don’t know if I’d be here without my Lithium Carbonate, I don’t think I would actually. Even with it, I still have been going through some extreme mood situations, but they are somewhat attenuated and more easily reversed than if i wasn’t on Lithium. So even though I have Bipolar Disorder Type 1 (the official name) I feel lucky that I also have Lithium Carbonate. Also, my mood lability was also due, in large part, to Zoloft, which I haven’t taken in 3.5 months, and this will also help stabilize my mood. Yaay! Coming off Zoloft has been anything but easy. But that’s a subject for another post.

Best wishes and hugs to you my dear friends.

Maybe, maybe not…

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Don’t really have anything to say. Tired. Very low energy. Low mood. Beginning of a depressed phase? Don’t know. It’ll become apparent soon enough. If It’s hard to wake up in the morning, if it’s hard to get anything done, if I don’t even want to get anything done, if I have lost interest in activities that were pleasurable, such as taking pictures, or singing, then yes it looks like the beginning of a depressed phase. These things have been happening to me in the past few days, but only the past few days so it’s still too early to tell. It may just be a blah period and not the beginning of a real depression. At least Zumba is still FUN! If that stops being fun, then I am in serious trouble…

Also if I do go into a depression, there is one big problem this time: No Zoloft. My psychiatrist will not let me take Zoloft or any SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors), because he says that they make people with bipolar disorder cycle more, and apparently research supports his claim. But this is pretty scary for me, because until now, whenever I felt a depression coming on, I would start taking Zoloft and it abated. This time I don’t have that option, that safety net. If I truly do go into a depression, I don’t know what I am going to do. And just this fact is causing me a lot of anxiety and stress.

The drugs he has recommended I go on all have given me very bad side effects in the past. For example Abilify literally gave me Parkinson’s like symptoms, with very stiff muscles, a shuffling gait and muscle tremors. When I took Welbutryn in the past, I thought i was going to burst because of an insane level of anxiety. Latuda gave me blinding headaches and Saphris also gave me a lot of anxiety and severe headaches. Provigil, which is a stimulant is also one that he has suggested, but I will not take it as it can push people with bipolar d/o into full blown mania. I don’t understand how he even suggested that, given the fact that this is a side effect! So there we have it. The one medication I can take without side effects is now forbidden to me and all the ones I am allowed to take are ones I cannot take because of awful side effects. The fear, anxiety and stress of what’s going to happen if I do go into a depression are quite enough to send me into a depression 😦

Going to NYC for Thanksgiving. A lot of close and extended family will be there. Hoping I will be fine. I was so looking forward to this trip to NYC with my husband, my son, my stepdad, my brother, my sister, my cousin, her children and many, many others. And now I don’t know. Oh well, all I can do is hope for the best.

Also wondering if it is time to find another psychiatrist. But what if what this one says is true… then it would be unwise to find someone new… going around in circles and have no idea what to do. Even deleted a whole post I’d written because I thought it was garbage… simply going around in circles. Not so bad that it is definitely a depression, but definitely some symptoms, and maybe on my way to a depression.

Oh yes, bipolar strikes again, as usual with its impeccable timing, and all it does is make my life a living hell. Tired, so tired of this. Of fighting depression, of fighting mania, wtf bipolar d/o, leave me the hell alone.

Positive outlook.

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Yes I have an illness. The question is: how do I minimize the effects of this illness and live a normal a life? Obviously the first thing is to stay on my medication, on the proper dose. Second is to see my doctor regularly. Those two are obvious. How about other things? Are there other things I can do to stabilize my mood? Meditation fosters peace of mind and stops us from being overly emotional. There is a lot of science that supports this. Yoga also stops “fluctuations of the mind.” So both of these things are a definite yes. Aerobic exercise is also very good, not only for the body, but for the mind. The endorphins that are produced when you do aerobic exercise are calming, uplifting and even pain relieving. So that is a definite yes. Psychotherapy also helps, talking about problems in your life and coming up with solutions, obviously would be a good thing.
Also, meaningful work and a routine really help. So it is important to have both of those in my life. Strong relationships, family and friends are also a plus to have in my life. Hobbies are good and I have plenty of those.
One of the most important things is a positive attitude. Even when something goes wrong, not ruminating about it, shaking it off, whenever possible, is good. Following the tenets of Buddhism, which teaches us freedom from craving and aversion would be good as well. And that is all I can think of right now. If I think of other things, I will post those too. Kind of a boring post, but I am tired…