Ok, here I am. Bipolar disorder, past trauma, fear, panic and all. But I am not going to stop living, I am especially not going to live in fear! I am going to go on, make myself better, heal myself, make myself whole. And I am going to live my life as well as I can. The self pity and the drowning in fear is done, I’ve wallowed in it for the last 5 days. It stops now. I go on now to healing, to being brave, I have ALWAYS been braver than brave and I will continue to be so. Even though fear has been my constant companion too, since I was 2 years old; I have lived, married, given birth to a phenomenal son to whom I am a good mother. I will continue to be a good friend to all my friends, and I will not be afraid of demons from my past. I will live my life bravely and to the fullest extent. Nothing will beat me. I will not cower under my bed covers. I will walk out into the sunshine, or the snowstorm, as it may be, and I will live my life.
I have made mistakes, by being afraid and panic stricken, and I know I have wronged some friends. I beg their forgiveness. And I assure everyone that I will never live in fear again. The fear that makes me panicked and act erratically, I will not let it do so anymore.
This is a promise to myself and to all my friends and family. A time comes when you have to stop making excuses for your actions, emotions, even beliefs. A time comes when you have to take responsibility for your own actions and live life thoughtfully and responsibly. Well, happily, that time has come for me now. It is time to grow up, leave the past behind and take responsibility for my own life and make my life with my very own hands. Period.
I have been feeling useless, like a burden, and generally a mess. But I have decided to tackle these things head on. Instead of wallowing in the misery that these thoughts have brought on, I will look at them another way, a more constructive way. Namely by asking myself what can I do to remedy this situation? Do more, be more… How? Well, I might have been feeling depressed or anxious or a little too up and did not accomplish all I should have. So, from now on, I will do more, not go on spending sprees (nothing major, haven’t bought a Maserati yet, haha) so there is not even the least bit of worry about our finances or bills. Yes, spending sprees are a symptom (sometimes) of my bipolar disorder. Actually, I am just very extravagant, my grandfather was and my grandmother used to berate him for it. I think I inherited it from him! (When in doubt, blame it on your progenitors.) But… and yes there is a but… since I am aware of this, I can surely control it. Right? I think, therefore I am! I, very possibly, need to stop using my illness as an excuse and be more functional, carry the responsibility of mine and my family’s life on my own two shoulders. Instead of feeling bad, I am going to be happy that I have had this insight, and now I am able to do something to remedy the negative things and do more of the positives that I was already doing. Yes, tomorrow is another day! Oh gosh, what would we do without our tomorrows (ok, ok Eckhart, don’t have a fit, I know it’ll be in the now that I will act)? And it is a day to be better than we were yesterday. To be out better selves. To be thankful for what we have in our lives. To be thankful for our loved ones. To not wallow in our misery, but LEARN, learn, learn from our missteps, and live life with responsibility, love and joy, and appreciation for all that is in our lives. Even the negative things, because they are our greatest teachers.