Find me find me
I am not going to make it easy
If you find me you’ve won
If I hide I will be wanted more
I want your obsession
I want you revenge
I want you to care about me more that you care about yourself
I want you addicted to me
Because I have this black hole inside me that I cannot fill
So I must whip you and enslave you to make myself feel better
No matter what you do you will not be successful
You will always be wrong I’ll make sure of that
But go ahead and try, bang your head against the wall of my despair
I’ll make sure you know how stupid you are and how you lack any skills
Just like Mommy Dearest did to me
Nothing you do will be good enough
And I’m clever enough to make it seem like it’s all your fault
That you are the one who has no skills
I am not ready to love myself so I hate you
IN FACT I HATE MYSELF
So you cannot love me.
I see love as weakness and I pounce on weak people like a cat does to a mouse
no one will win, every one will lose, I don’t care if I have to destroy myself to destroy you, I will destroy you.
You come to me as if you really care for me hahahaha
You are only in it for yourself.
I have to beat you before you beat me
I don’t love myself so I must hate you
IN FACT I HATE MYSELF
Please love me even if I am impossible
Take me out of this hell hole
I need you I want you I’ve got to have you baby
But if I let you find me you’ve won and you can never win
I love you
I hate you I will not embrace you
You must be whipped for loving me because I am so unworthy
I love you I hate you
I HATE MYSELF
Posts
“Tiger” again in manic phase.
December 29, 2009
feeling forlorn and lonely
I have been to hell and back so many times I’ve lost count
feeling restless and agitated
every time this happens I lose days and days of my life
why me?
is it really fair that most other people waltz through life while I do a tortured dance in hell?
what’s the good in it?
nothing that I can see
words and deeds that hurt everyone come out of my mouth and my hands
losing myself, oneself is what most people take for granted, while I cannot, I can lose myself; lost in the dark at the precipice of a steep cliff
falling would mean only pieces of me would survive
not being able to take even myself for granted is a bone chillingly frightening thought
yet I live with it and every time it happens I hope it is the last
however it never is the last, there is always the next loss of myself waiting, silently, stealthily in the wings
I tell it to let me go but it won’t
it has me by the jugular like a tiger does its prey and it drags me and thrashes me about just like a tiger does to its prey
will I ever be free?
Is freedom only in death?
I have days and years to live yet
how can I appease thid cruel, unfeeling tiger god
what must I take to the shrine to so it will be appeased and let me be
where in the world is the shrine even located?
“I am still here, I am still here.” Again Manic phase… but Sheer Strength!
I am still here, I am still here
November 18, 2013.
Oh my beloved ones, I am still here, not gone and out of your lives, just a little farther away, but I am still here for all of you, for each and every one of you, I am still here
Not exactly where I want to be
If home is where the heart is then Buffalo is my home
Soon I will be stronger and I will be back with love and grace
This loss, this heartbreak, this ripping and shredding of the fabric of my life
will only make me stronger, will only make me glue all the shreds back with a stronger bond. I will never give up despite the agony and the fear and pain I have felt, this immense discomfort is a gift to me, making me realize what is important to me, I am stronger and more focused because of it. I will heed the message my pain has delivered to me
and I will return, shining like the internal star that guides me
I will return to my home, to my son, my nephew, my uncle and all my beloved friends
Life leads me down strange new, unknown paths, makes me quake and scream in fear and pain, but it will not beat me
It is I who will choose which path I walk on, nothing else, no one else will choose it for me
Not many understand how this upheaval has affected me, me with an affective disorder
How my heart is broken into shards of glass that cut me and make me bleed and cry tears of blood and make me scream like a banshee hurling insults and epithets at people I love
My little house, where my heart still lives, abandoned and empty not understanding where all the people who loved her are gone
Fear and loss are my companions now but only for a little while, soon I will smile
Hope dawns and the sun shines bright on my face and tells me I am alive and have hope and grace
I will get over this and be strong and vibrant and alive and I will make a life for myself that is of my own choosing and no one else’s
Even now I make it
Fight
Fight
February 24, 2012 at 1:37am
I will not go gentle into the night
I will put up as courageous and valiant a fight
though my battlements are worn
and my armaments, to others, a sorry sight
I will not go gently into the night
Many friends I have lost, many kith and blood tied kin
I grieve over them never losing sight
of their towering value to my life
many days I have struggled, seemingly carried the burden Atlas did
many nights have I lain awake and conversed with Sisyphus
Easy to give up and say good night?
Yet my hand flies out and catches the ashes as they flutter to the floor
as of its own free will, no gentle Ophelia it is not yet time
the river you must swim in is one of life
You cannot go gently into the night
“My Friend” written in a manic phase…
“My Friend”
February 6, 2010 at 11:44am
Do you know me?
Do you know me?
Do you know the battles I have fought to be here?
Do you know I’ve lately escaped from Hades?
Do you know the Herculean strength I possess?
Do you know I have vanquished the Furies?
Do you know I have withstood the song of the Sirens?
Do you know I have tamed Scylla and Charybdis?
Do you know even Medusa loves me now?
Do you know I have moved from fear into love?
Do you know how much you have helped me?
Do you know how grateful my heart is for your presence in it?
Do you know you are leading me to self love and peace?
I know you too and I love you.
Some things I wrote in a pretty severe manic phase.
bipolar disorder
February 24, 2012 at 2:28am
last time the tiger had me by the throat and was shaking me sinking in its teeth into my jugular, my life ebbing away, ebbing away
now it’s the black bars heavy and ponderous and impregnable that imprison me
there is no window in this cell, no light comes near this dismal dank place full of tears and heaviness
maybe I live in a black hole…
last time I screamed and kicked and struggled for help
this time i am so tired I cannot open my mouth and even if I could I have lost my voice
how does one live their life like this?
does what you are having for dinner matter when the darkness is choking your spirit?
does what time you go to bed have any meaning when the banshees are threatening to wake up the neighborhood?
Normal? How do you live a normal life?
I am surrounded by normalcy and efficiency and “perfection”, much admired by everyone
I too exist, I scream but no one hears because I live in a black hole and nothing escapes this black hole, not light, not sound
yet i did make a birthday cake today and decorated it with macerated, sherried berries
a piece anyone?
does anyone second guess themselves as much as someone with a mental illness?
did i say that because i’m depressed?
was that an over reaction because I am hypomanic?
Who am I? WHY ME???????? Why could I not have been NORMAL and lived my life blissfully ignorant of all of these issues. Yes I have issues.
Anger is definitely one of them BUT is it because of my illness? Anger and irritability are definitley a BIG part of mixed state bipolar disorder. But try explaining that to a friend you’ve just testily told to shut up or a sister who is offended because you said too bad her favorite singer isn’t dead. Just try to explain it to them Try to explain it to yourself even… are you sure it was because of your “mood state” and not just because you were angry? How do you tell? There is no blood test like a blood sugar test for mood disorders. There is no litmus paper that turns red under manic conditions and remains blue during the depressions. And anyway even if there was, would it be purple when you were normal, if you ever were normal…
Fuck tigers and black holes, fuck creativity and intelligence, I’d give my right arm to be stupid and normal and blissful just for one day. It does happen every once in a while and it is indeed a blessed event, something people take for granted day after day. They don’t have to live with extreme amounts of angst, anxiety, sadness, hopelessness, anger, over thinking everything, all the negative emotions. Why no joy? That’s a mood too, why can’t I have an overabundance of joy? Dancing brings me joy but now because of Depakote which makes my joints ache all the time I can’t dance a lot. Horrid medicine. Horrid doctor who prescribed it to me. Physically depakote makes me feel about a 100 years old. Emotionally I am doing better but not 100% better… yeah whatever you just have to live with it.
Bipolar Post 4: Side effects of drugs.
I have been given so many drugs to try, I have lost count. The only three I can take with relatively few side effects are Lithium Carbonate ER (extended release), Seroquel, and Zoloft.
Depakote gave me horrible anxiety, and made half my hair fall out. Tripleptal, same, made half my hair fall out, Wellbutryn made me so anxious, I thought I was literally going to explode. Ability gave me Parkinson’s like symptoms, with shuffling gait, stiff muscles and made me feel about 80 years old. Lamictal put me in a hypomanic phase and finally pushed me into full blown mania and I had to be hospitalized. They found out after initial trials with Lamictal that it is not effective with bipolar 1 (which is what I have), only for the milder bipolar 2 does it work. So a LOT of people who have bipolar 1 went into full blown mania as a result. Oh well, c’est la vie! Saphris gave me blinding migraines. There are more, but I think it is clear how bad the side effects of these meds can be. One of them literally stated that one side effect is sudden death!!! What more can I say!
Side Effect Reference: http://www.cchr.org/quick-facts/psychiatric-drugs-side-effects.html
Bipolar Post 3: Anhedonia.
There is something else that I wanted yo talk about that I would bet not many people have experienced. I certainly wish I hadn’t. It’s called Anhedonia. It is a complete absence of positive emotions. And it is one if the most terrifying states any one can ever experience. It is sheer emptiness and fear. It feels like you are are a new born baby who is left all alone in the world after nuclear armageddon. I don’t know how else to describe it. I have experienced it and it is truly terrifying. A few years ago, I was rapid cycling in my mixed phases, minding my own business, when I woke up from a nap and wow all my positive emotions were gone, zapped. I called my psychiatrist’s office in a panic, and he told the secretary to tell me to go to the emergency room if I felt so bad. All he had to do was call me back and talk to me, I didn’t need to go to the ER. I felt so alone and betrayed by this doctor. Oh yeah, I will write a post soon about BAD psychiatrists who mistreat and even abuse their patients, because of course we are mentally ill and who is going to take us seriously if we complain?
Bipolar Post 2: Devastation.
I am not just a pretty face haha! The fact that I am alive shows my steely strength and determination and will in the face of this devastating disease. I have been in depressions so severe that I have contemplated, but thankfully NEVER, attempted suicide. My brother didn’t make it. My sweet, beautiful, innocent, sensitive baby brother, it seems like a dream when we had him with us. Unfortunately he refused to stay on his medication, until he went into a depression so severe that he ended his life. I have never said this so plainly to anyone, but he walked into the rapids of Niagara Falls and he was gone. I have not visited the Falls since June, 1991, which is when he took his life. It was a devastating, annihilating event in all our lives. My mother never recovered from it. How could she, after losing a son she absolutely doted on? We lost him, he was only 26 years old. He left us two beautiful children though, and for that I am thankful. The summer of 1991 was the hardest time of my family’s life. He was only 18 when he started having mood issues. None of us knew what was happening at that time, we didn’t even know what bipolar disorder was. After a while his illness became more severe and my parents took him to a psychiatrist. He was put on lithium and other meds but he refused to take them, saying instead that he would control his own brain. We all tried to convince him that in the face of this illness, no one can control their brain. But he was adamant. After many hospitalizations, during one of which, he even escaped from the hospital, he eventually took his own life. We were devastated, his children were left fatherless. That was when my illness came to the forefront. A textbook case, when one family member gets sick, and because of the stress of the situation, other family members also start exhibiting symptoms of the same illness. However, I have always taken my medication, perhaps because of my background in Biology and my understanding of how neurons and neurotransmitters work. I wish so much that I could have helped my sweet, lovely brother. The toll of this illness is sometimes almost too much to bear.
Beautiful flowers for my beloved brother.
Bipolar Post 1: Mixed Phase Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder.
One thing not commonly known about BPD is that it comes in many varieties. There is the straight mania/depression variety. There is the “Mixed Phase Rapid Cycling” variety. This is the one I suffer from so I can be the most informative about this one. In this mixed phase rapid cycling type, you can go through many cycles of manicky/normal/depressed in one day. When you are manicky, you can be talkative, take risks you wouldn’t normally take, don’t sleep, have lots of energy and lose weight. It can be exhilarating, but it also comes with a LOT of anxiety. I know, sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest or I am going to die. In the normal phase, you are perfectly normal, no one looking at me in the normal phase can say I am cycling. The only bad thing about the normal phase is that you realize all the crazy things you have been doing in your manic phase and it can be quite devastating. In the depressed phase, you have no energy, you cry a lot, the bottom just falls out from under your feet. I just stay in bed. Can’t function. So no one knows what I look or act like when I’m depressed. It’s kind of like like being a yoyo whose strings are controlled by someone else. Imagine you not being able to control your thoughts and emotions. Just going on this involuntary, sometimes devastatingly painful emotional roller coaster ride. Until finally either you realize in one of your normal phases what’s going on and call your psychiatrist to prescribe you some extra lithium or one of your loved ones does. The increased dose of lithium miraculously brings you out of this mixed phase and gives you back normal. And you have never been so glad of that six letter word than the day you aren’t cycling anymore!!! So this is one of the things that happen to people who have bipolar disorder.
Bipolar1Blog 