Feeling awful. Tired to the bone. Black swirls of abandonment, rejection, hot, red knots of fear in my belly, the “I am not good enough” refrain singing in my ears, all in all a pretty bad start to my day. How’s yours going? But something amazing happened. Just looked out the window, and saw my beautiful Buffalo clouds and a smile appeared on my face. Not the great Great Lakes clouds, but still beautiful cloud formations. Beauty, it does help and my Leo, sitting in front of the window, very intensely observing everything.

My son came back from hockey this morning full of excited stories about a man there who coached him and taught him how to play better. Now he’s gone off to lift weights, young and energetic! May he always be so. I had my coffee, going to take a shower, and meet my friend Deb for lunch. I must admit that at least just in this moment, in this one little moment, life is good.

I learnt a new breathing exercise for the times when it feels a literal elephant is stepping on your chest and your eyes are faucets on the full on position. This emotion has nothing to do with anything that is going on in the present. It is a gift of the past, it has been stored in my heart, in my brain, and now has unwrapped itself. The unwrapping may have been catalyzed by some events in the present, perhaps by some similarities my brain noticed in the present to the past. But the emotions belong wholly to the past, the abandoned little girl, with a broken heart, an abused little girl, with the broken body. These are the gifts my past has bestowed upon me. I have unwrapped the box and now must learn to dispose of them. That is what the therapy, breathing exercises, Heart Math, (and more yet to be discovered techniques from the internet,) with all these techniques and my will to dispose of this unwanted gift, this curse, these drama queen emotions, my will to mend this broken heart, mind, and body, I hope I will succeed.

I blame nothing and no one in the present for this suffering, I know full well, this is all from my past. For some reason, the pain came fully into my conscious mind at this moment in time.

The Breathing Exercise:

Put your tongue behind your upper teeth and exhale with a whoosh sound.

Inhale to a count of 4

Hold your breath for a count of 7

Exhale with a whoosh to a count of 8

Repeat 3 more time. Keep the tongue behind upper teeth.

Me: I have a heavy burden, a very fragile one. With broken pieces, jagged pieces. I am tired, I’ve carried it all my life, World, can you help me bear it?

The World: No, I am busy, I am strong, I am shiny and new, I have no time for broken things. I have important things to do. Go on, go your own way, you are responsible for your self, don’t pretend to be weak, STOP with the self pity, go, go away, take care of it or not, I don’t care.

Me: Yes, silly of me to think I mattered. Self pity, is it self pity when the fear in you is so great that you are afraid you may not wake up tomorrow? But world, that is not your problem. I was born alone, I will die alone, and in between I will cope with my hell alone.

Maybe, hopefully, this is the lowest I will go, because, really, I cannot stand any more pain. Maybe this is the bottom and now I can only go up. At my weakest, I stand alone, and hope, and hope, and hope, for I have a most beloved son, whom I cannot leave alone.

For some of us, life is fun and games, lightness and happiness, do you know how lucky you are? Very! For some of us, life is a burden, heavy and dismal. Why are some blessed and some cursed? What determines which one you are? Some people are so lucky to be well adjusted and happy, while others struggle and deal with the heartbreakingly intense emotions of failure, and profound sadness. The crazy thing is that it can be as simple as  all chance, your parents were sane and didn’t abuse the hell out of you, you are also sane and well adjusted. You were not as lucky, your parents were insane and subjected you to unspeakable abuse, well you are damaged. Is there truly a way to heal yourself? I will see. I am sure going to give it my all.

I am a pretty emotional person, and the emotions are intense, I’m working on it, truly I am. It’s very hard to live a life always with high emotions. Of course partly that is bipolar disorder, but partly it may be just who i am or the trauma I’ve undergone. Any way, I am in intensive therapy so I never bother my very dear friends. I am going to get these emotions and over reactions under control. As God is my witness, I will never be a drama queen again! (Haha no drama there.) Here’s the thing about us drama queens, firstly we make excellent actresses, and secondly we are not having emotional fits to bother other people. That’s just how intensely we experience things. If you think that’s bad for you, my friend, and I know it is too much for you, you should feel what we go through in this life or death way we live. Ugh. It is totally for the birds! And I am bound and determined to not be in the constant throes of life and death. Therapy is going to help me, I am assured by my wonderful therapist. She has done wonders for others and since I am motivated and intelligent and determined to change, I will change. I will Rewire the circuits of my brain, and create new neuronal connections that foster peace not drama. Amen. And peace. Oh please, I hope so, it is very hard, painful, and heartbreaking to live like this, and I don’t want to do it anymore.

Also, my trips to Buffalo will be few and far between after May 21st. That’s when my son graduates from Law school and moves to the New York City area, that’s his plan. And I will visit him there. So my Buffalo friends, if I have seemed insistent on seeing you, partly it was because I’ve known of this approaching deadline. But I am sure we will see each other, just no where near as often. I will miss you. But I am sure, our schedules allowing, we will keep in touch. Buffalo has been my home since 1972. It has a very special place in my heart and always will.

  Quite a revelation. 

http://www.theepochtimes.com/n3/1245786-depression-its-not-your-serotonin/?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=Postcron.com“Depression is a serious medical condition that may be due to a chemical imbalance, and Zoloft works to correct this imbalance.”

Herein lies the serotonin myth.

As one of only two countries in the world that permits direct to consumer advertising, you have undoubtedly been subjected to promotion of the “cause of depression.” A cause that is not your fault, but rather; a matter of too few little bubbles passing between the hubs in your brain! Don’t add that to your list of worries, though, because there is a convenient solution awaiting you at your doctor’s office…
What if I told you that, in 6 decades of research, the serotonin (or norepinephrine, or dopamine) theory of depression and anxiety has not achieved scientific credibility?
You’d want some supporting arguments for this shocking claim.”
It’s just not letting me copy and paste the rest of the article. Please click on the link and you’ll be able to read it. Thanks.