Stop with the self pity!

DSCN7034Me: I have a heavy burden, a very fragile one. With broken pieces, jagged pieces. I am tired, I’ve carried it all my life, World, can you help me bear it?

The World: No, I am busy, I am strong, I am shiny and new, I have no time for broken things. I have important things to do. Go on, go your own way, you are responsible for your self, don’t pretend to be weak, STOP with the self pity, go, go away, take care of it or not, I don’t care.

Me: Yes, silly of me to think I mattered. Self pity, is it self pity when the fear in you is so great that you are afraid you may not wake up tomorrow? But world, that is not your problem. I was born alone, I will die alone, and in between I will cope with my hell alone.

Maybe, hopefully, this is the lowest I will go, because, really, I cannot stand any more pain. Maybe this is the bottom and now I can only go up. At my weakest, I stand alone, and hope, and hope, and hope, for I have a most beloved son, whom I cannot leave alone.

 

Maybe I am just broken

img_6464This is a post by https://borderlinepersonalitydisorder99.wordpress.com

Just what I am feeling right now. Tired of trying to go on, always in pain, always a failure at everything I want to do, especially interpersonal relationships. Just very tired, and want to give up. Not asking for pity, please don’t feel any pity for me, just writing down my thoughts. I’ve never been diagnosed with borderline, but who knows, the sense of brokenness and hopelessness certainly is pretty pervasive in my heart. Sometimes more acute than others, but always there. Fight or Flight or panic mode, where I too live. Need to find a new home. These words hit very close to home:

“Who says I need to be fixed?

I suppose I do, really. Dancing over the shatterings of glass left after a childhood of abuse has proved not only painful, but that is the only footing I have. I cannot just walk away, unfortunately.

I suppose my hands can be fixed, but if I don’t use them to realign the pieces of my soul I will always be broken. “

Borderline and Me's avatarBorderline Personality Disorder

Maybe it is time that I just accept that I am broken, that I can’t be fixed. I have tried for so long to put myself back together maybe it is time I just accepted ‘me’ the way I am and carried on with my broken and painful parts.

I have carried this pain for so long, blistered and sliced my fingers trying desperately to put the fractured parts of my soul back together maybe I should just give up. My coping mechanisms have gotten me this far, maybe I should carry on with them. Who says I need to be fixed?

I suppose I do, really. Dancing over the shatterings of glass left after a childhood of abuse has proved only painful, but that is the only footing I have. I cannot just walk away, unfortunately.

I suppose my hands can be fixed, but if I don’t use them…

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Well Adjusted or Damaged

FSCN3419For some of us, life is fun and games, lightness and happiness, do you know how lucky you are? Very! For some of us, life is a burden, heavy and dismal. Why are some blessed and some cursed? What determines which one you are? Some people are so lucky to be well adjusted and happy, while others struggle and deal with the heartbreakingly intense emotions of failure, and profound sadness. The crazy thing is that it can be as simple as  all chance, your parents were sane and didn’t abuse the hell out of you, you are also sane and well adjusted. You were not as lucky, your parents were insane and subjected you to unspeakable abuse, well you are damaged. Is there truly a way to heal yourself? I will see. I am sure going to give it my all.

High Emotions and Buffalo

I am a pretty emotional person, and the emotions are intense, I’m working on it, truly I am. It’s very hard to live a life always with high emotions. Of course partly that is bipolar disorder, but partly it may be just who i am or the trauma I’ve undergone. Any way, I am in intensive therapy so I never bother my very dear friends. I am going to get these emotions and over reactions under control. As God is my witness, I will never be a drama queen again! (Haha no drama there.) Here’s the thing about us drama queens, firstly we make excellent actresses, and secondly we are not having emotional fits to bother other people. That’s just how intensely we experience things. If you think that’s bad for you, my friend, and I know it is too much for you, you should feel what we go through in this life or death way we live. Ugh. It is totally for the birds! And I am bound and determined to not be in the constant throes of life and death. Therapy is going to help me, I am assured by my wonderful therapist. She has done wonders for others and since I am motivated and intelligent and determined to change, I will change. I will Rewire the circuits of my brain, and create new neuronal connections that foster peace not drama. Amen. And peace. Oh please, I hope so, it is very hard, painful, and heartbreaking to live like this, and I don’t want to do it anymore.

Also, my trips to Buffalo will be few and far between after May 21st. That’s when my son graduates from Law school and moves to the New York City area, that’s his plan. And I will visit him there. So my Buffalo friends, if I have seemed insistent on seeing you, partly it was because I’ve known of this approaching deadline. But I am sure we will see each other, just no where near as often. I will miss you. But I am sure, our schedules allowing, we will keep in touch. Buffalo has been my home since 1972. It has a very special place in my heart and always will.

  

Depression: It’s Not Your Serotonin

  Quite a revelation. 

http://www.theepochtimes.com/n3/1245786-depression-its-not-your-serotonin/?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=Postcron.com“Depression is a serious medical condition that may be due to a chemical imbalance, and Zoloft works to correct this imbalance.”

Herein lies the serotonin myth.

As one of only two countries in the world that permits direct to consumer advertising, you have undoubtedly been subjected to promotion of the “cause of depression.” A cause that is not your fault, but rather; a matter of too few little bubbles passing between the hubs in your brain! Don’t add that to your list of worries, though, because there is a convenient solution awaiting you at your doctor’s office…
What if I told you that, in 6 decades of research, the serotonin (or norepinephrine, or dopamine) theory of depression and anxiety has not achieved scientific credibility?
You’d want some supporting arguments for this shocking claim.”
It’s just not letting me copy and paste the rest of the article. Please click on the link and you’ll be able to read it. Thanks. 

I am so sorry!

DSCN7232

Me on the right

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Screen Shot 2015-01-09 at 9.50.34 PM

Me on the right.

I learned something about myself, my brain is used to living in emergency situations, so I unintentionally create these situations for myself to live in. My brain got used to this when I was 3 – 4 years old and I started to be violently, physically abused. With bloody noses, black eyes, split lips. I was loved and adored in my life with my grandmother, two aunts and an uncle, till I was 2 years old. Then my mother graduated from medical school and reclaimed me and started physically abusing me. Pummeling would be the word. She had a lot of stress in her life and a lot of rage in herself, but instead of dealing with her stress, she became enraged at me for things like chewing gum and pummeled me into a bloody mess, with black and blue bruises to boot. I went from a loving, nurturing life to a life full of horrible abuse. I went from peace, calm, and love to never knowing when I would almost be killed. That is when my brain must have gotten used to living in live or die situations. And even now, when things are calm, or even not so calm, I idiotically make things worse so I can have the “fight or flight” response happening in my brain and can live in the familiar terrain of panic. The pictures above are of me when the abuse was taking place. How could you beat up that baby in those picture? Especially when you were the mother, mothers give their lives to protect their babies. My mother, whenever she felt like it, would pick up wooden boards the size of cutting boards, or high heeled shoes, or whatever came into her hands and pummel me with them.

It’s strange, but when I describe this, I feel nothing at all. Where did all the hurt feelings, the outraged feelings of the beaten child go? I am learning to mourn for the baby, the child, the young girl I was. And now that I have realized that I unknowingly create panic, I hope this realization leads to absolutely not doing it.

I know I have hurt my friends by doing this, one who was kind enough to message me on Facebook, I unfriended this wonderful friend, like a total idiot. I am so sorry! I apologize to my friends whom I’ve hurt. I know there are no excuses, but I am so very sorry and I hope they forgive me. Now that I realize my brain wants to create panic because it is the most familiar feeling, I will do my all to stop it.

Significant Number Of Young People With Undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder

img_6229This article talks about giving antidepressants to depressed people who actually have bipolar disorder. This is a very dangerous thing to do as you can push someone who has bipolar disorder into full blown mania by giving them antidepressants without a mood stabilizer. The 10% stats are for the UK, but I am sure it’s the same here in the US. In fact, I was just such a “casualty.” I went into a severe depression in the end of 1985, I was then prescribed antidepressants without any mood stabilizer, and in February of 1986, I started becoming manic, not knowing what was happening to me, I didn’t report my symptoms to my doctor. In the end of February, 1986, I started becoming full blown manic, out of touch with reality, and in the beginning of March, I was hospitalized. This was in New Orleans, LA, in Touro Infirmary. I was in the hospital for a month, finally being discharged when my psychotic (out of touch with reality) symptoms were gone. I will wonder forever what would have happened if i had not been put on just antidepressants. What if my doctor had put me on Lithium along with the antidepressants, would I then never have manifested bipolar disorder? What if… can’t live there. Must live in what is in this very moment and live as well as I can, because what ifs are a waste of time. The only thing that matters is the reality of what is happening now and we must come face to face with it and live with it with strength and equanimity. I may never know why somethings happened, and there’s no point in blame or anger… they did, and I simply have to accept that they happened and go on from here to make as good a life as I can for myself.

http://www.science20.com/news_articles/significant_number_of_young_people_with_undiagnosed_bipolar_disorder-164556

Around 10% of UK primary care patients prescribed antidepressants for depression or anxiety have undiagnosed bipolar disorder, a study has found.

Researchers from Leeds and York Partnership NHS Foundation Trust and the School of Medicine at the University of Leeds interviewed young adults from general practices in a study1 published in the British Journal of General Practice(BJGP).

Bipolar disorder often presents with depression and can be difficult to diagnose. People who have had periods of symptoms of high mood (such as increased energy and activity, increased confidence, over-talkativeness or being easily distracted) often don’t recognise these as significant and don’t tell their doctor about them.

This can lead to inappropriate treatment, such as the prescription of antidepressants without mood-stabilising medication, which might increase the risk of mood remaining unstable.

The study found that among people aged 16-40 years prescribed antidepressants for depression or anxiety, around 10% had unrecognised bipolar disorder. This was more common among younger patients and those who reported more severe episodes of depression. The study recommends that healthcare professionals should review the life histories of patients with anxiety or depression, particularly younger patients and those who are not doing well, for evidence of bipolar disorder.

Dr Tom Hughes, Consultant Psychiatrist at Leeds and York Partnership NHS Foundation Trust and the University of Leeds, said: “Bipolar disorder is a serious problem, with high levels of disability and the risk of suicide. When it is present in depressed patients it can easily be overlooked. Under-diagnosis and over-diagnosis of illnesses bring problems. Our General Practitioners are the greatest part of the best nationwide health service in the world. We hope this study will be of some help to them and to their patients in helping the better recognition of this important and disabling condition.”

Professor Roger Jones, Editor of the BJGP, said: “Dr Tom Hughes and his colleagues from Leeds and York Partnership NHS Foundation Trust recommend that general practitioners look carefully at patients with depression and anxiety disorders, particularly younger patients and those who are not doing well with their treatment. By reviewing life histories for evidence of symptoms this could provide people with better treatment and quicker recovery.”

I’d forgotten how much I love science!

I am so thankful for reading “Scientists Move Closer to Understanding Schizophrenia’s Cause”

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/01/28/health/schizophrenia-cause-synaptic-pruning-brain-psychiatry.html?referer=

It reminded me how interesting this is to me and how much I love reading, writing about, and basically just “ingesting” all the science news. And this kind of systems biology, going all the way from the DNA sequence to a gene to a protein to a mechanism for an illness in the neurons and brain to the causation of an illness, amazing, absolutely amazing science! I am inspired! For writing my blog posts, perhaps Writing a PhD thesis (!) or even writing the book I’ve been thinking of writing forever!

Scientists Move Closer to Understanding Schizophrenia’s Cause (Amazing research and information!)

SCHIZOPHRENIAThis is absolutely amazing! Scientists have found out that the cause of schizophrenia is too much synaptic pruning of neurons, “in which the brain sheds weak or redundant connections between neurons as it matures” in the prefrontal cortex. This begins in adolescence and the symptoms of schizophrenia also start in adolescence! “People who carry genes that accelerate or intensify that pruning are at higher risk of developing schizophrenia than those who do not, the new study suggests.”

They knew that the MHC locus was involved in schizophrenia, they pinpointed the exact gene that is involved, the C-4 gene, this is the gene that facilitates the aggressive tagging of connections, thereby accelerating pruning. Wow, this is so amazing! Here it is in a nutshell, why people get schizophrenia! I am totally floored! So floored, I almost forgot to put the reference, but here is is:

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/28/health/schizophrenia-cause-synaptic-pruning-brain-psychiatry.html

“Scientists reported on Wednesday that they had taken a significant step toward understanding the cause of schizophrenia, in a landmark study that provides the first rigorously tested insight into the biology behind any common psychiatric disorder.

More than two million Americans have a diagnosis of schizophrenia, which is characterized by delusional thinking and hallucinations. The drugs available to treat it blunt some of its symptoms but do not touch the underlying cause.

The finding, published in the journal Nature, will not lead to new treatments soon, experts said, nor to widely available testing for individual risk. But the results provide researchers with their first biological handle on an ancient disorder whose cause has confounded modern science for generations. The finding also helps explain some other mysteries, including why the disorder often begins in adolescence or young adulthood.

“They did a phenomenal job,” said David B. Goldstein, a professor of genetics at Columbia University who has been critical of previous large-scale projects focused on the genetics of psychiatric disorders. “This paper gives us a foothold, something we can work on, and that’s what we’ve been looking for now, for a long, long time.”

The researchers pieced together the steps by which genes can increase a person’s risk of developing schizophrenia. That risk, they found, is tied to a natural process called synaptic pruning, in which the brain sheds weak or redundant connections between neurons as it matures. During adolescence and early adulthood, this activity takes place primarily in the section of the brain where thinking and planning skills are centered, known as the prefrontal cortex. People who carry genes that accelerate or intensify that pruning are at higher risk of developing schizophrenia than those who do not, the new study suggests.

Some researchers had suspected that the pruning must somehow go awry in people with schizophrenia, because previous studies showed that their prefrontal areas tended to have a diminished number neural connections, compared with those of unaffected people. The new paper not only strongly supports that this is the case, but also describes how the pruning probably goes wrong and why, and identifies the genes responsible: People with schizophrenia have a gene variant that apparently facilitates aggressive “tagging” of connections for pruning, in effect accelerating the process.

Some scientists warned that the history of biological psychiatry stands as a caution against premature optimism. “This work is extremely persuasive,” said Dr. Samuel Barondes, a professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, “but any step forward is not only rare and unusual, it’s just one step in a journey of a thousand miles” to improved treatments.

The study, by scientists from Harvard Medical School, Boston Children’s Hospital and the Broad Institute, a research center allied with Harvard and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, provides a showcase of biomedical investigation at its highest level. The research team began by focusing on a location on the human genome, the MHC, which was most strongly associated with schizophrenia in previous genetic studies. On a bar graph — called a Manhattan plot because it looks like a cluster of skyscrapers — the MHC looms highest.

 

“The MHC is the Freedom Tower” of the Manhattan plot, said Eric S. Lander, the director of the Broad Institute. “The question was, what’s in there?”

The area is a notoriously dark warren in the genome known to contain genes that facilitate the body’s immune response, for example, by flagging invading bacteria to be destroyed. That property had given rise to speculation that schizophrenia might be a kind of autoimmune condition, in which the body attacked its own cells.

But the research team, led by Steven McCarroll, an associate professor of genetics at Harvard, and by Aswin Sekar, one of his graduate students, found something different. Using advanced statistical methods, the team found that the MHC locus contained four common variants of a gene called C4, and that those variants produced two kinds of proteins, C4-A and C4-B.

The team analyzed the genomes of more than 64,000 people and found that people with schizophrenia were more likely to have the over-active forms of C4-A than control subjects. “C4-A seemed to be the gene driving risk for schizophrenia,” Dr. McCarroll said, “but we had to be sure.”

The researchers turned to Beth Stevens, an assistant professor of neurology at Boston Children’s Hospital and Harvard, who in 2007 was an author of a study showing that the products of MHC genes were involved in synaptic pruning in normal developing brains. But how important was this C4 protein, exactly? Very important, it turned out: Mice bred without the genes that produce C4 showed clear signs that their synaptic pruning had gone awry, Dr. Stevens’s lab showed.

Taken together, Dr. Stevens said in an interview, “the evidence strongly suggested that too much C4-A leads to inappropriate pruning during this critical phase of development.”

In particular, the authors concluded, too much C4-A could mean too much pruning — which would explain not only the thinner prefrontal layers in schizophrenia, but also the reason that the disorder most often shows itself in people’s teenage years or early twenties. “The finding connects all these dots, all these disconnected observations about schizophrenia, and makes them make sense,” Dr. McCarroll said.

Carrying a gene variant that facilitates aggressive pruning is hardly enough to cause schizophrenia; far too many other factors are at work. Having such a variant, Dr. McCarroll estimates, would increase a person’s risk by about 25 percent over the 1 percent base rate of schizophrenia — that is, to 1.25 percent. That is not nearly enough to justify testing in the general population, even if further research confirms the new findings and clarifies the roles of other associated genes.

Yet the equation changes when it comes to young people who are at very high risk of developing the disorder, because they are showing early signs — a sudden slippage in mental acuity and memory, or even internal “voices” that seem oddly real. This ominous period may last a year or more, and often does not lead to to full-blown schizophrenia. The researchers hope that the at-risk genetic profile, once it has been fleshed out more completely, will lead to the discovery of biomarkers that could help clarify a prognosis in these people.

Developing a drug to slow or modulate pruning poses another kind of challenge. If the new study shows anything, it is that synaptic pruning is a delicate, exquisitely timed process, and that it is still poorly understood. The team does not yet know, for example, why C4-A leads to a different rate or kind of pruning than C4-B. Any medication that tampered with that system would be a risky proposition, the authors and outside experts agreed.

“We’re all very excited and proud of this work,” Dr. Lander said. “But I’m not ready to call it a victory until we have something that can help patients.”

Genetic variants associated with response to lithium treatment in bipolar disorder: a genome-wide association study

This is exciting! Since responsiveness to Lithium runs in families, it seems logical to think that specific genes are involved that render a person treatable by lithium, a very fortunate person, I might add, as Lithium is the best treatment for bipolar disorder when it works, however it only works for 33% of bipolar people. (I am one of those 33%, and I consider myself very lucky!) Doing genome wide studies to see if there were any genes associated with being treated by lithium, four linked short pieces of DNA (SNP’s) on Chronosome 21 were found to be associated with lithium responsiveness. These 4 SNP’s are part of two genes which code for long non coding RNA sequences. These non coding sequences are important in gene regulation, particularly in the CNS! 

http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(16)00143-4/abstract
SummaryBackground

Lithium is a first-line treatment in bipolar disorder, but individual response is variable. Previous studies have suggested that lithium response is a heritable trait. However, no genetic markers of treatment response have been reproducibly identified.

Methods
Here, we report the results of a genome-wide association study of lithium response in 2563 patients collected by 22 participating sites from the International Consortium on Lithium Genetics (ConLiGen). Data from common single nucleotide polymorphisms (SNPs) were tested for association with categorical and continuous ratings of lithium response. Lithium response was measured using a well established scale (Alda scale). Genotyped SNPs were used to generate data at more than 6 million sites, using standard genomic imputation methods. Traits were regressed against genotype dosage. Results were combined across two batches by meta-analysis.

Findings
A single locus of four linked SNPs on chromosome 21 met genome-wide significance criteria for association with lithium response (rs79663003, p=1·37 × 10−8; rs78015114, p=1·31 × 10−8; rs74795342, p=3·31 × 10−9; and rs75222709, p=3·50 × 10−9). In an independent, prospective study of 73 patients treated with lithium monotherapy for a period of up to 2 years, carriers of the response-associated alleles had a significantly lower rate of relapse than carriers of the alternate alleles (p=0·03268, hazard ratio 3·8, 95% CI 1·1–13·0).

Interpretation
The response-associated region contains two genes for long, non-coding RNAs (lncRNAs), AL157359.3 and AL157359.4. LncRNAs are increasingly appreciated as important regulators of gene expression, particularly in the CNS. Confirmed biomarkers of lithium response would constitute an important step forward in the clinical management of bipolar disorder. Further studies are needed to establish the biological context and potential clinical utility of these findings.