I just listened to the 2nd video. My reactions may be a part of my illness (bipolar d/o) or may be exacerbated by my illness, but if these techniques can help me react differently, calmly, lovingly, then I am all for them and will be so grateful! So far what I’ve learnt is to use the breath as the new way. Very Buddhist, very standard. Well I have been practicing this all day, and I have not been 100% successful at it, but any success at doing something other than getting anxious, scared, or angry is amazing! It’s funny, just the realization that you are getting hooked again is enough to change the way you react, really, just the simple realization that it is happening again can almost stop it from happening! I plan to keep on catching myself when I am getting hooked and then doing something different. One example of this from today is that I was thinking of a friend of mine who hadn’t called me back despite my calling her twice this trip. I caught myself getting hooked into the story that she hates me, doesn’t care about me, will never call me, doesn’t want to be my friend anymore! BUT, I caught myself, and consciously said to myself to try something different and actually called and left her a message saying I was sorry I didn’t connect with her, and I hope we’ll get together next time!! Well, that’s pretty sane, and not angry, not anxious, not sad, and not drama queenish. I’m pretty happy about that. I did that many times through the course of the day, whenever I started getting hooked, I consciously told myself to try something else. It’s working, I’ll keep on doing it. 🙂 I still have fear about many issues and feel sad and anxious, but I am not letting those feelings hook me into an old response which is not serving me in the least bit. I am seriously sick and tired of doing the angry/drama queen/anxious thing and I am going to learn NOT to do it anymore!

Also, she said to pick one person, or more than one person, or you pick all sentient beings and dedicate this retreat to that person or people, so that the person/ people you choose will benefit from any insight, support, connection, inner wisdom, innate openness, innate wisdom, that you gain, any tools you gain. and she said if you have a “stuckness” between you and another person would come loose. Just share the benefits of the retreat with any person you choose, or all sentient beings. Interesting and philanthropic idea! And I did think of one person with whom I am experiencing “stuckness” and dedicated this retreat and all I learn in it to them 🙂

Below are pretty much the exact word from the video.

Pema answered two questions. A woman asked “How do we find something different, as the Second Difficulty says, when we all live according to our recycled ignorance,and habituated patterns, so where does the something different come from? Where do we find this within ourselves?”

Pema said: The truth is because our fundamental nature is open and fresh, and has kindness in it, therefore almost everyone resonates with some kind of yearning that’s bigger than themselves, like a book, a piece of music, someone’s unexpected kindness, some kind of awe or wonder, or even seeing the first crocus blooming in the early spring,  we are drawn to wanting to know and to do it differently. It’s based on natural wisdom that we have and also based on being pretty fed up of our own habitual recycled ignorance. We know the habitual patterns are not working, yet when we get the phone call or letter, we still do it. So if we get some instruction of how to do something new, then we can learn.

She also said not to take the thought of “I am bad” or “Bad me” seriously. She said: We are so hard on ourselves in the West, so what? Say to ourself: I can feel it, see it, taste it. So I can stay with the feeling of “bad me” but also say that I will definitely entertain the thought that it is fiction. Bring that thought in the present moment and let the buck stop here. The fresh alternative is to breathe and let the thought stay instead of trying actively to chase the thought away.

Another person asked about his friend with heroin addiction who in rehab. They talk about being hooked and triggers in rehab. He wanted to know how he could help his friend.

Pema said: We all know the feeling of being hooked, when we get that letter and we start ranting and raving, we’re hooked, when we say “Yes, but…” we’re hooked in the moment when we are unable to refrain from saying an unkind word about someone.

We are talking about addiction, a deep seated addiction to a solid identity of ourselves, a fixed view of ourselves, the ego, and a fixed view of everything else out there. When in fact nothing is solid or fixed. This is a deep addiction, we don’t even know we’re doing it. Ingrained, unworkable, dangerous.

She also asked people to think of somebody, who they would like to dedicate this retreat to.

She said: Any insight, support, connection, inner wisdom, innate openness, innate wisdom, that you gain, any tools you gain not just doing it for yourself, but the benefit can be shared with that person or group of people or all sentient beings.

Some sense of bigger than just you, maybe you’d like some “stuckness” between you and another person would come loose. Just to share the benefits of the retreat with any person you choose, or all sentient beings.

Then she did a meditation, feeling from head to toes, your body, and keeping in the now and concentrating on your breath.

https://mattearl1964.wordpress.com

This is so incredibly sad. I just leaned that Matt Earl, the author of this blog that I followed took his own life. His last post was:
Rip

Suicide imminent

Rest in peace

Love to all followers
Matt

If this course can really do what it says it can do, it would be quite miraculous for my life. I wouldn’t have to live with a fight or flight response that gets activated at the drop of a hat (in mania), and sometimes so over the top extreme that it’s like using a machine gun to kill a mosquito. Usually the situations I am reacting to are quite extreme, so many bad things have happened to me and my family 😦 I don’t know why some people carry more of a sorrow or trouble burden. Maybe I’m wrong, but some people seem to have lighter, airier, less troubled lives. Maybe they’re the ones who already taken this course and possess the equanimity that I lack. I want to stop being so reactive, and so hooked into the negative things in life. I want to be even keeled, and be the genuine, true me, who is loving and positive, and calm. Yes CALM, that is the operative word. I am going to enroll in this course, and see what happens. I am so tired of being triggered by stressful situations into an awful negative state of mind and being. I need to stop it, for now and for good! I’ll post about it, and hopefully I will make good progress with my goal of reaching equanimity, serenity, and calmness. Oh it sounds like a wonderful dream.

Here’s the information for the course:

Instructor Biography

Sounds True , Publisher of book, audio, and video titles in the fields of self-development, personal growth, and spirituality

Sounds True was founded in 1985 by Tami Simon with a clear mission: to disseminate spiritual wisdom. Since starting out as a project with one woman and her tape recorder, we have grown into a multimedia publishing company with more than 80 employees, a library of more than 600 titles featuring some of the leading teachers and visionaries of our time, and an ever-expanding family of customers from across the world. In more than two decades of growth, change, and evolution, Sounds True has maintained its focus on its overriding purpose, as summed up in our Vision Statement:

Sounds True exists to inspire, support, and serve personal transformation and spiritual awakening.

Sounds True is an independent multimedia publishing company that embraces the world’s major spiritual traditions, as well as the arts and humanities, embodied by the leading authors, teachers, and visionary artists of our time. Our approach to publishing is not dependent on a single format or technology—rather, we strive with every title to preserve the essential “living wisdom” of the author, artist, or spiritual teacher. It is our goal to create products that not only provide information to a reader or listener, but that also embody the essential quality of a wisdom transmission between a teacher and a student.

Throughout the years, Sounds True has developed a guiding philosophy that we call “multiple bottom lines.” Our dedication to this principle is embodied in our Mission Statement:

The mission of Sounds True is to find teachers and artists who serve as a gateway to spiritual awakening and to produce, publish, and distribute their work with beauty, intelligence, and integrity. We treat our authors, vendors, and partners in the same way we would want to be treated. We work flexibly and efficiently together to create a cooperative, loving environment that honors respectful authenticity and individual growth. We maintain a healthy level of profitability so that we are an independent and sustainable employee-owned organization.

The three essential bottom lines for Sounds True are the integrity of our purpose, the well-being of our people, and the maintaining of healthy profits. All three of these priorities are important in the decisions we make as a company. It is our conviction that each of these bottom lines must be healthy for the company to prosper as a whole.

In our history as a publisher, Sounds True has produced a wide variety of formats in order to fulfill our goal of disseminating spiritual wisdom.

Full biography

Instructor Biography

Pema Chödrön

Ani Pema Chödrön was born Deirdre Blomfield-Brown in 1936, in New York City. She attended Miss Porter’s School in Connecticut and graduated from the University of California at Berkeley. She taught as an elementary school teacher for many years in both New Mexico and California. Pema has two children and three grandchildren.

While in her mid-thirties, Ani Pema traveled to the French Alps and encountered Lama Chime Rinpoche, with whom she studied for several years. She became a novice nun in 1974 while studying with Lama Chime in London. His Holiness the Sixteenth Karmapa came to Scotland at that time, and Ani Pema received her ordination from him.

Pema first met her root guru, Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, in 1972. Lama Chime encouraged her to work with Rinpoche, and it was with him that she ultimately made her most profound connection, studying with him from 1974 until his death in 1987. At the request of the Sixteenth Karmapa, she received the full bikshuni ordination in the Chinese lineage of Buddhism in 1981 in Hong Kong.

Ani Pema served as the director of Karma Dzong in Boulder, Colorado until moving in 1984 to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia to be the director of Gampo Abbey. Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche gave her explicit instructions on establishing this monastery for western monks and nuns.

Ani Pema currently teaches in the United States and Canada and plans for an increased amount of time in solitary retreat under the guidance of Venerable Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche. She is also a student of Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, the oldest son and lineage holder of Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche.

Ani Pema is interested in helping establish Tibetan Buddhist monasticism in the West, as well as continuing her work with western Buddhists of all traditions, sharing ideas and teachings. Her non-profit, The Pema Chödrön Foundation, was set up to assist in this purpose.

She has written several books: The Wisdom of No Escape, Start Where You Are, When Things Fall Apart, The Places that Scare You, No Time To Lose,Practicing Peace in Times of War, How to Meditate, and Living Beautifully. All are available from Shambhala Publications and Sounds True.

In the best of times, I am an intense person. But when I become manicky, my emotions, reactions, speech, intensity, and volume go up, way up. When I’m angry, I’m furious. When I’m happy, I’m overly joyous. When I argue, I do it at full volume, and will not really listen to an opposing viewpoint. I’m aggressive, I’ll say things plainly, to the point of rudeness, without really meaning to be rude in the least bit. I become extremely sensitive, I might think someone is attacking me (in words) and attack them (with words) in returns. If I think about being with a person who is like the one I just described above, it sounds like a nightmare. Anger, aggression, “attacking” people, arguments, all in a loud voice. Ugh, I think you might find that as the definition of the “psycho bitch from hell” entry in the Mirriam Webster edition of the dictionary! I wonder if all the poor psycho bitches from hell have bipolar disorder?

But the crazy thing is that after this manicky behavior manifests itself, I realize what has happened and I am full of regret, but by that time, my friends and family have already been exposed to this unpleasant behavior. Too late to do anything except apologize 😦

How can I realize that this is about to happen and head it off at the pass? If I could do that, I would consider myself almost cured! I have been on higher doses of Lithium and have been stable for a while, with some minor ups and downs. But major stress in my life will push me into a manic or depressive phase. And by the time I realize it’s happening, I have been somewhat extreme in my behavior.

I’m trying, I’m really trying. I don’t want to upset my dear friends and family, I don’t want to impose on them with my “insanity.” I want them to know how much I appreciate them and how much I wish for good things in their lives. I want them to know I am there to help them through thick or thin. Not the negative things that happen because of my illness and are not coming from my true self, My true self is positive, supportive and loving. Really it is. And I wish the banshee in me would fall asleep forever and never resurface.

To all my friends and family, with love, hugs and peace.

Please dear friends and family, the loud woman is not me

The angry woman is not me

I am peaceful, loving, positive

My true self, my true heart wishes only love and happiness for you

The anger and loudness come from illness

An illness that tests me daily

But an illness that I will conquer for the sake of all my loving and beloved friends and family!

The stress of seeing my aunt so frail and ill, stress in general, has me visiting the land of manic behavior again. My emotions are exaggerated, intense. My voice volume has risen several decibels. People are actually leery of me as I must seem like a crazy woman on the warpath. I might have terrorized one of my sweetest friends and my friend Madiha, who is actually a psychiatrist, was having a difficult time “conversating” with me as my intensity level was off the charts.

I’m sorry my friends, I don’t mean to terrorize you, sadly sometimes I simply cannot help it. I value everyone of your friendship. I know you’ve been patient with me before, I beg your indulgence now. These blips in my mood catch me off guard and by the time I realize it’s happening, some damage has always been done 😦 I know it’s time to increase the Lithium, and I am increasing it tonight.

I know my friends don’t have to put up with this, they can simply go find another more normal person with whom to be friends, someone whose reaction intensity doesn’t frighten them. I know that. I am stuck with this illness, on the one hand it makes me ultra sensitive, able to feel intensely, but it also makes me react just as intensely to seemingly innocuous things. Maybe it’s like PTSD, where a loud noise will illicit the same response as bombs going off in a temporally distant war had. Or in my case. the noise doesn’t even have to be that loud, I just react intensely and loudly to all things if you catch me in my intense mood. Damn this mood disorder. Difficulties in life are enough to try one’s patience but having a mood disorder which can throw your emotions, and behaviors off, make your friends afraid of you, cause you yourself untold pain and suffering… because, you know, people can walk away from you, but you can’t walk away from yourself, no matter how much you may want to… Lithium, yes time to increase the Lithium! All will be well.

My aunt, my mother’s youngest sister is sick, very sick. She has always been thin and frail, but now she is quite severely ill. She has had cerebellar ataxia for as long as i have known her. That is an illness of the cerebellum, the part of your brain that controls voluntary movement. There seem to be mini strokes in this region so that there is cell death and the person who suffers from it loses control of their limbs, extremities, and finally they even lose their swallowing reflex, so they cannot even eat. She has always been painfully thin, since her twenties. She lived with my family in Buffalo from 1979 1984. When she came to live with us, she was like a stick figure, and I nursed her and fed her and took care of her until she looked a bit better. Then in 1984, one of my cousins was getting married in Pakistan, we were all going to attend the wedding, and she insisted on going with us, although she was not an American citizen. We told her to stay back, she may not be able to get a visa to come back with us again, but she insisted, so she went and she was not given a visa to return back with us. So we had to leave her behind with another one of my aunts. Then for a while she and her brother (my uncle) lived on their own in their own apartment, and then my uncle passed away and she moved to live with my cousin Munib. He recently sent me a picture of her on Whats App and I was totally shocked and appalled to see her skeletal condition. Gentle readers, if I posted that picture her, you too would be shocked. Anyway, my cousins have been taking her to the doctor and having her treated. But what i worry about after having seen that picture is: can anyone recover from the state I saw her in in the picture? I don’t know. I hope so.

She took care of me when I was a newborn baby. My mother was still in Medical School in Bhopal when I was born, my grandmother took me to Karachi, Pakistan. I lived with her, my two aunts and my uncle for two years. They took care of me as if I was their own. That is the love, the love I got from the four of them, that love has carried me through to this day. This aunt of mine was like a little mother to me, she was 20 years old then. And she took care of me day and night. And now she is in dismally bad shape and I am not there to take care of her. Just looking at her last picture, I broke down in tears of sadness, anger and dejection, I cannot look at it anymore, yet it is burned in my memory.

Her illness and my powerlessness to do much to help her directly has been having a bad effect on my affective disorder. Sadness, anger, hopelessness, helplessness, and fear, all working in my brain to create a hyper alert, worried state that I cannot shake. Haven’t been feeling very normal, sort of up, sort of down, easy to anger, just all out of sorts.

I will go to Pakistan. I am planning a trip in September. I am in close contact with my cousins, they tell me she is doing better, getting better nutrition, vitamins, minerals, Ensure, all things the doctor ordered.

She is 70 years old, she has always been frail. I hope she recovers, I hope I see her once more so I can tell her I love her and make her smile.