So true and empowering.
One Small Crack…
So true and empowering.
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Home.
During the Holidays, everyone is heading home. What is a home? Is it simply where you live? The structure of walls, doors, and windows? Or is it more than that? Is it the place where your friends are? Is it, as they say, where the heart is? Is it the place where you feel happy, where your positive emotions reside with you? Is it familiar and well known, where you know all the places around and don’t feel like a stranger? Is it where your loved ones are close by? Yes, yes and yes. All yes. And I feel very sad and still am having a very difficult time having moved out of Buffalo.
Buffalo still feels like home, except I don’t have a home here. and after a year, Louisville still does not feel like home, and funnily enough I do have a home there. I have friends there, new friends. Friends I’ve made within the last year. Friends who are very welcoming and warm, but with whom I have no history. They haven’t known me since I was a preteen. They don’t know much about me. Maybe that’s better, haha! My friends in Buffalo are friends of my childhood days. There is such a connection here in Buffalo, I come back all the time and connect with my friends, but it is temporary, because in a week, in ten days, I leave again. It is a disjointed, disconnected, disassociated existence. I know full well I have a beautiful home in Louisville. I know I am fortunate and blessed that I have friends in Louisville and in Buffalo and that financially I can afford to visit Buffalo as I want to. Of course, Aral’s here. And sometimes I miss him terribly. I think I have no right to complain, everything is going well. Aral is doing so well in Law School, knock on wood! Our condo in Louisville has been totally renovated and is just beautiful. I am happy about that of course. I don’t know. Discontent seems to be the mood of the hour. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Side Effects.
We people with mental illnesses have to take the scariest drugs/meds. There are mood stabilizers out there (see Saphris, Latuda) whose side effect is sudden death!!! When I was put on those meds and I looked up their side effects and saw “sudden death” as one of them, I literally laughed out loud. And yet there it is!! Of course everyone has heard about the black box warning on antidepressants, which says they can cause suicidal thoughts and actions. Psychiatric medications have the most horrendous side effects!! There is diabetes and blindness for Seroquel, which I an currently on. I also get awful muscle cramps in my legs, so bad that they wake me up at night. Actually that’s pretty minor. My friend Andrew had bad tardive dyskinesia (uncontrollable movements,) so extreme that he doesn’t leave his home. Lithium can cause kidney failure. Doctors rarely want you to decrease your dose of meds if your mood is stable. However if the side effects are intolerable, then the dose has to be decreased. You have to walk the tight rope between least number of symptoms and least number of side effects, and hope you don’t fall off performing your little high wire act.
Monitoring Your Mood.
If you have a mood disorder then you surely know all about this! Thoughts that pass regularly through my head are: Am I getting too angry? Am I getting angry too often? Am I being too emotional? Am I too sad and weepy? Am I too irritable? Are my thoughts flitting from subject to subject? Even the thought “Am I too happy” crosses my mind, although this is a rare occurrence. Depending on the answer to those questions which I ask myself regularly, sort of reflexively after 28 years, one or more of my meds has to be increased. But eventually these meds’ fuses will come down if the side effects are too intolerable… Lithium and Seriquel. These two stalwart pillars in my treatment regime. Zoloft used to be one of my meds, but as I have said in the past, is no longer in my repertoire of meds as it causes cycling and mixed mood phases in people with bipolar 1 d/o like me. Now if I go into a depression, I am hoping that Vit. D, and Omega 3 fatty acids along with Zumba and other vigorous physical activity will help me come out of it, or better yet, prevent me from going into a depression altogether. One can always hope! 😉
I said I am always monitoring my mood. This is actually not an easy feat. It’s hard to judge my moods as I am judging my moods with the same organ that produces these moods, namely the brain. So it is hard to be objective. But I do s fairly decent job of it. At least that’s what I think. Haha. So anyway, anger, irritability, flight of ideas, insomnia (not a mood but easier to gauge) are all signs of mania. So is weight loss. Irritability, somnolence weight loss or weight gain are signs of depression. So we people with mood d/o’s have to be hyper vigilant in monitoring our moods so that these phases don’t get carried away from us and end up in a hospitalization. For me hospitalization is definitely defeat. I will go into the hospital like I did in 2009. But it is the mood disorder winning and me losing when that happens. Probably s strange thought to some, but that’s what I think. Perhaps it’s really is an unreasonable way to think, but my objective is to stay well enough, by being treated with meds and being hyper vigilant about my mood changes, to stay out of the hospital and live a normal, happy life with no mood upheavals. In reaching this objective, my doctor is my ally and I trust and depend on him. But I am also my own best advocate as I know my illness really well and I know what’s going on inside my head… really wish I didn’t live there but I do,,, oh well c’est la vie, n’est pas?
Well that’s all for now.
Vitamin D and Fish Oils alleviate depression, bipolar depression and SAD!
Below is an analysis of 10 studies that show that taking Vitamin D and Omega 3 Fatty Acids alleviates the symptoms of seasonal depression (SAD), major depressive d/o and bipolar d/o. In fact, in countries where diets were high in Vitamin D and Omega 3’s, there were lower rates of depression and suicidal thinking. Time for me to start taking my Vitamin D and Omega 3’s regularly! Please consult your doctor before going on any medicines, natural or otherwise.
The review is below.
Clinical Studies Show Fish Oil & Vitamin D May Alleviate Symptoms of Seasonal Depression and Bi-Polar Disorder
Read more: http://m.digitaljournal.com/pr/2369723#ixzz3Ksk65i8X
There have been some recent Meta-Reviews of Scientific Research into the role of Fish Oils and Vitamin D in combating the symptoms of Depression and Bi-Polar Disorder. Researchers pooling the results of 10 randomized trials involving 329 patients found that omega-3 fatty acids (found in fish oil) improved depressive symptoms in patientswith either bipolar disorder or major depression compared to placebo. It is of interest that countries whose populations consume the most amount of fish oil in their diets have lower rates of major depression and suicidal thinking.
In a study performed by Brigham and Women’s Hospital, Dept. of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Researchers found that the Omega-3 fatty acid patient group had a significantly longer period of remission than the placebo group. In addition, for nearly every other outcome measure, the Omega-3 fatty acid group performed better than the placebo group. Omega3 fatty acids were well tolerated and improved the short-term course of illness in this study of patients with bipolar disorder.
In another well noted study, researchers at the New York State Psychiatric Institute, found that Supplements containing EPA = 60% of total EPA + DHA, in a dose range of 200 to 2,200 mg/d of EPA in excess of DHA, were effective against primary depression. Omega-3 Fatty Acids are not alone in being an all natural aid to alleviating these symptoms, as Vitamin D has also shown great promise in these treatments for depression. At the 2014 meeting of the International Society for Bipolar Disorders, researcher Baseok Cha discussed the importance of vitamin D supplementation in bipolar patients, who often have deficient or insufficient levels. People receive 50 to 90% of their vitamin D from sunlight, and the rest from diet and supplements. Too much sunscreen can be a problem if it prevents a person from receiving enough vitamin D from sunlight.
Nutrusta has created an Omega-3 Fatty Acids Formula that contains therapeutic doses of both Omega-3’s and Vitamin D3. When taken together, the effect is significantly enhanced.
Read more: http://m.digitaljournal.com/pr/2369723#ixzz3KsjvQGVr
Exceptional year!
This year has been exceptional in that the spike of mania that comes in the Fall/Winter for me has not come! I’ve been having minor ups and downs, mostly downs, but the major spike that I have experienced every Fall/Winter since 1986 did not happen. This involved severe mood upheaval, including anger, depression, off the charts anxiety, major weight loss (that one I miss haha) sleeplessness, total dysfunction, not being able to go to work, school, outside the house for at least a month. This year it didn’t happen! My 900 mg of Lithium Carbonate, and (now) 100 mg of Seroquel saved me this year. Yes I have side effects, tremor in my right hand, weight gain due to water retention because of Lithium, muscle weakness and tendonitis due to Seroquel. But I can live with these. The most bothersome to me is the 4 lb weight gain. I do live in our weight obsessed culture don’t I? But I am so lucky that these side effects are nothing compared to some other drugs called antipsychotics, used for schizophrenia. In fact over Thanksgiving weekend, in NYC, my sister and I went to visit a friend I’d made in 2009, in Columbia Presbyterian, when we were both hospitalized there. He has schizophrenia, he is in his twenties and smart as a whip. Last week, we visited him in his home, it was difficult for me to sit with him because of the uncontrolled movements due to tardive dyskinesia (a side effect of antipsychotics) he had. God I am so incredibly thankful I am not on Risperdal! I could not tolerate it! My friend is having his doctor wean him off the Risperdal and put him on Clozaril, which apparently, at least in his case, doesn’t cause tardive dyskinesia.that is so severe.
Anyway, I digress.. I wish my friend the best in his life and with his treatment of course. But this post is about how amazing it is that I stayed pretty much normal throughout the Fall and Winter this year. How the evil beasts called mania and psychosis (being out of touch with reality) did not visit me. And believe me, I didn’t miss them, not one iota! I am thrilled beyond belief, and if 900 mg of Lithium is what it takes to stay pretty much in the normal mood range, then 900 mg it is.
Hello NORMAL, productive, happy life!
Mental Illness.
You think mental illness happens to “other people”,
Look around, talk to people.
It happens to everyone, everywhere.
You may be surprised to know that:
His sister.
Her brother.
Their cousin.
Your mother.
No other than me myself and I.
Are blessed/cursed with mental illness.
Gratefulness, thankfulness can do miracles.
Excepting severe manic phases and severe depressed phases, gratefulness and thankfulness can work wonders in a person’s life. If one is feeling in the normal mood range, then feeling grateful for what one has, rather than wanting more and more, can really do wonders for one’s mood and outlook on life. Imagine sitting on your couch at home, being sad and feeling horrible because your house isn’t big enough, your car isn’t fancy enough, you don’t have enough friends, etc. etc..
Now imagine sitting on your couch at home, and being really thankful for your beautiful home, and being thankful you’re not homeless, being grateful you have a car that works, being so happy about all the wonderful, loving friends you have. Gratefulness, an instant mood lifter, an instant heart opener, nothing better!
So in this (American, European) Holiday season, whether we have mental illnesses, physical illnesses, whether we are lucky enough to have no illnesses, if we practice gratitude and thankfulness, it may well be a very good Holiday season.
Rare form of dwarfism confers protection against bipolar affective disorder.
In doing studies with Amish people for over 40 years in Pennsylvania, and then analyzing the data, the authors of this paper noticed that a rare form of dwarfism caused by a homozygous recessive mutation in a gene called Sonic Hedgehog (named by nerds who work on drosophila genetics, as they discovered this gene) is NEVER comorbid with bipolar disorder. Sonic Hedgehog is a gene involved in embryogenesis! So a mutation in it can affect many pathways downstream. But since people who have this form of dwarfism NEVER have bipolar d/o, it is thought that Sonic Hedgehog may be protective against bipolar d/o. Now to find out what does the Sonic Hedgehog gene do that is protective. Might take a while… But a very interesting article. And hopefully helpful to us sooner than later.
http://www.nature.com/mp/journal/vaop/ncurrent/abs/mp2014118a.html
Insight.
1) Insight: the ability to understand people and situations in a very clear way, an understanding of the true nature of something, the power or act of seeing into a situation; the act or result of apprehending the inner nature of things or of seeing intuitively.
2) Insight: understanding or awareness of one’s mental or emotional condition; especially : recognition that one is mentally ill.
While the first definition is the definition that is generally meant when one says the word “insight”, in mental health circles, it is the second one: “understanding or awareness of one’s mental or emotional condition; especially : recognition that one is mentally ill” that is very valuable and looked for in patients with any mental illness. If a mentally ill person has insight, it is considered good, and of course it is good. If you can tell that the thoughts and voices are not yours but in your brain/head as a result of a mental illness, then you are miles ahead in getting better than someone who doesn’t realize the voices are due to illness.
If you can call the doctor and say you are having thoughts of killing yourself, you have exhibited an enormous amount of insight. You have also probably saved your life. For people with schizophrenia, who hear voices, auditory hallucinations, insight or the recognition that these voices are the result of their illness is obviously very important.
In my case, I have thankfully, thankfully, never had auditory hallucinations. I have however thought that a black witch was trying to damage my heart from afar. I have thought that I was in an Alice in Wonderland kind of a play where everyone was playing roles for my benefit. I have thought that my house is bugged and that evil people are plotting to make it seem like I was schizophrenic. The less severe the manic phase, the easier to have insight. In the case of the black witch, I would be completely involved in the story and then all of a sudden I would come to my senses and think “Oh my god, I was just out of touch with reality”, or “Oh my god, it happened again.” So I would come to my senses and have insight that I was sick, very sick. I even thought, and this is totally bizarre, that Nejat wanted to kill me because I had a theory about mental illness that would bring me a lot of acclaim, and he was jealous of me. Of course when I came out of unreality, I knew this was nonsense, I would realize that I was progressively getting sicker and thinking more and more bizarre things. And this would happen many times in one day. Luckily, at least this part is lucky, I do have insight. Not when I am in the dreamlike state, but when I come out of it. The black witch happened in December 2009. In my paranoid state, I didn’t want to be hospitalized in Buffalo, so I went to NYC and got admitted into the Psych ward at Columbia Presbyterian. My sister came to Buffalo and flew with me to NYC, because I obviously was in no state to fly alone. That wasn’t really the best idea because they had to hold me in CPEP (Comprehensive Psychiatric Emergency Program.) Which basically meant that it was the psych emergency admission. They took my clothes, made me put on scrubs, they took all my jewelry, all my makeup, my purse, my shoes, and put me in this unit that was the size of two rooms in my house. This unit had been converted into a front desk, and four or five rooms. It was claustrophobic to say the least. There were large orderlies standing everywhere. There was no privacy, nothing in my room but a cot. I wasn’t allowed to close my door. I didn’t even have anything to write on so I wrote on my lunch and dinner placemats about the awfulness of the place. Nejat threw all that out, I wish I had the placemats, I could have scanned them and used them for the picture here. It was very frightening, large men staring at me all the time, I was still not in touch with reality all the time, so it felt like I was being observed by hogs or some strange, frightening animals. Some idiotic resident had decided I was a danger to myself and had me put in there. I was not a danger to myself, I had VOLUNTARILY gone to be admitted to the psych inpatient ward. They didn’t have beds in the psych inpatient ward so they “jailed” me in this abysmal, dungeon-like place called CPEP. I was there for two horrible, frightening, depersonalizing, did I say AWFUL? days, until a bed became available in the inpatient ward and they transferred me there. That place was like heaven after the dark, horrible dungeon. I had my clothes, it was a bright, airy, cheerful place. The staff were wonderful. They had Art therapy, television, board games. And my sister and brother came to visit everyday, and even Nejat and Aral came to visit me. I was there for ten days and then released. Totally in touch with reality but very anxious. The anxiety lasted for a while and gradually went away. i went back to Buffalo. My psychiatrist asked me why I had gone to NYC to be hospitalized. I couldn’t tell him it was because I didn’t trust him to do what was best for me… so I told him the ill phase had made me paranoid and I didn’t trust anyone in Buffalo… actually true… so I went to NY. Really not the best thing to have done but I did it thinking with a mind that wasn’t working very well. I did need to be hospitalized, but hospitalization in Buffalo would have been a much better idea. My aim now is not to ever get as sick as I did in 2009 and before that in 1986 (my two hospitalizations), not ever to get so sick that I will need hospitalization. So far so good! And I hope my insight will serve me well forever. Thank goodness for that!
