Month: July 2015

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Outrageous!!

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Even though I am not feeling well, I couldn’t just let this go by without a comment! For some reason, this post appeared on my FB page, it’s a page by a person whose mother supposedly has bipolar d/o. He says her doctor didn’t know anything, but if you buy his booklet for $9.95, you’ll know everything there is to know about handling your loved one’s bipolar d/o. Hmmm, the doctor didn’t know anything, but this person does, and he will sell you all you need to know for only $9.95! Somehow, this sounds like a scam to me. I would rather listen to my doctor than to some nobody (to me) on the internet.

This is what he says: “This guide is only $9.95 Bucks, you’d be pretty dumb not to grab it.

Either prepare to suffer for months to years, or get this report, otherwise you’re sure to make GIANT mistakes with this terrible disorder in ways you can’t imagine.”

Striking fear into people’s heart who are suffering either because of their own mental illness, or their loved one’s! Wow, how unbelievably unethical can you be?

Please beware of these scam artists. And do not give them a penny for god knows what kind of advice and information! This page should be taken off, this website needs to be shut down!

https://www.facebook.com/Bipolar.Disorder.Support/info?tab=page_info

http://www.bipolarcentral.com/

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A Physical Illness For A Change

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Yes Gentle Readers, I have a cold. Not just a mild cold, a whopper of a cold. My nose feels like it is made of solid concrete. And the rest of me feels quite like a wet rag. For the last two days I thought I was suffering from really bad allergies, but now I am sure it is a cold. My sister had it when we were in Turkey, I’m sure it’s the same one. Wow! The timing could not have been worse. Three days till the opening of our play called  “Buster!” We have 5 hour rehearsals every night and then the performances start. This takes an enormous amount of energy, as you have to be on your toes the whole time you are on stage, and for this Musical In Concert, it means the WHOLE 5 HOURS! Ugh! Did I say this was an awful time to get a cold? Well it is, all I want to do is stay in bed, with an icepack on my head, but no such luck. I’ll be there for the rehearsals, and OF COURSE for the performances, because gentle readers, the show must go on!

PS

Usually, as a person with bipolar disorder, I look forward to physical illnesses, lol, because you get so much more sympathy and understanding if you have the flu, for example, than if you have the depression (why are people in a depression and have the flu?), you don’t have to hide the fact that you have the flu, you just rest in bed, maybe get Tamiflu, and everyone understands, and you get better, and go on your merry way. No one tells you to be strong, to be positive, it’s all in your mind. BUT, this time I don’t have the luxury to be physically ill, as weird as that may sound… I have a play, OMG, I have to be ready to do this play. Maybe Dayquil will work, and none of the ingredients will make me manicky… might not be so bad, manicky might be good for on stage… ok I’m rambling, I’m done, going to bed…

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My PMAD (Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder) Gets No Respect! Part One

My friend Dyane’s exhaustive review of what is and in not Postpartum Bipolar Disorder!

dyane's avatarVegan Keto for Bipolar Disorder

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Happy Thursday, my friends! Thanks for stopping by!

Since 2013 I’ve abstained from writing this post because I worried it wouldn’t apply or appeal to most of you, even if you have bipolar disorder. But I decided to finally spill the beans. Why? Because it feels good, it’s free, and most importantly, there’s the chance this information may be relevant to a reader.

Postpartum bipolar disorder is often ignored or misunderstood by the postpartum and bipolar communities. It helps to know what postpartum bipolar disorder is, exactly, as different definitions are floating around the world.

So here goes – a little bit ‘o explanation – PPBD 101, if you will! 😉

My mood disorder postpartum bipolar disorder (PPBD) is also sometimes referred to as postpartum onset bipolar disorder. While I’m currently seeking a more recent statistic, in 2008 it was found in the United States that 29 out of 1000 women were affected by…

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Learned a lesson

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I always think I can do anything! I mean I learnt Turkish at the age of 28, I cook all kinds of food, gourmet to street, I blog, I take photographs, I indoor garden, I designed my kitchen and whole condo when it was being renovated and then decorated it all, I… well you get it… So it’s very difficult for me to admit that I can’t do something, picture a frowning face with lips sticking out. Well I had a solo song in the musical called “BUSTER” that I am in. But because it was written in the wrong key for me, and because I panicked and got awful stage fright while singing, as well as the “music director” (snort) was not willing to help me in any way, when I sang the song, it came out squeaky and weak. So I blew it. It also didn’t help that we were in a small room and the pianist was banging on the piano so loudly that even if I had a megaphone, I wouldn’t have been heard. And the other 4 out of 5 principle actors are professional singers, so their voices are out of this world. But ultimately, I can’t blame anyone else, I am the one who didn’t sing the song strongly enough. I feel as if something that was mine has been taken away from me. I seriously have an issue about not being heard, must be from childhood. I didn’t have a voice as a child, abused children seldom do. So this cuts deep and cuts raw in some ways. Literally, my song has been taken away from me. I can sing the song pretty well, I do it at home all the time. But if a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it, does it make a noise? Hahaha. Fine, I admit, my singing is not as strong as it needs to be to sing in a musical with singers who have voices that will blow you away. The lead actor sang on Broadway!

Anyway, my song has been changed into my monologue. Now, with my monologue, I feel confident and strong, and I will blow people away! So, wow, hunh, who knew? but things turned out right! As Buster would say: “God works in mysterious ways!” And I still sing 20+ songs with everyone else.

This is the first time I am in a musical. People are expected to pick up songs, dances, like they have always been singing these songs and dancing these steps. You have to be extremely extroverted and sure of yourself, and when I am not sure of myself, I become a squeaky little mouse. So even though I wasn’t successful at singing publicly, I did learn what it takes to be in a musical and if I ever try again (someone kick me if I do 😉 ) I will be much more likely to be successful at it.

So, yes a disappointment, but not a failure, I’ll consider it a learning experience. And yes, lesson learned, I can’t do everything, only almost everything, hahaha… Now I’m off to perfect my monologue 🙂 That I can do!

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Armor not shackles!

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Just saw this graphic, and I absolutely love it! It resonated with me so much. I wanted to share it with all my blog readers and friends. As a person with bipolar disorder, with a family history of bipolar disorder, tragedy has certainly touched my life. My grandmother lost her brother at a young age, most likely to bipolar disorder, and I lost my precious, beloved brother Farooq, he was only 26 years old. So, to see this graphic put into clear words something that I was always (subconsciously) trying to do, it is helpful and inspiring, and emotional all at the same time. Imagine, all your tragedies are now your armor, they strengthen you by having gone through them, they do not shackle you to weakness.

This is so empowering for me that I really wanted to share it, hopefully all who see it will get the same empowering message as I did. Love and peace.

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Shame-less

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I posted these pictures in a status on FB entitled “Covered up or not, My Choice!”

A response from a religious muslim person was that this is shameful.

Shame! In this context, shame is just a construct made to control women. To keep them covered up and at home, bearing children and listening to men.

Well I have been an atheist since my early twenties, so this shame thing slides off me like water off a duck’s back 🙂

What is shameful about the human body anyway? NOTHING! The Greeks idealized and mythologized it, the Romans alternately debauched and disciplined it, The Hindus worshipped it, and the Buddhists asceticized it. There is no shame in any of these philosophies. I personally think the human body is a glorious creation of evolution, almost perfect in its form and function of homeostasis, growth, repair and even decline through entropy to make room for others. The human brain, which is part of the human body, is an absolutely genius computer produced by millions of years of evolution. This brain can gather information through our sensory organs and produce an output in milliseconds. Self awareness comes to us via the human brain. And it is also with this brain we decide to make the decision to view the human body, nature’s “miraculous” creation as shameful or glorious. I choose the latter!

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Trips

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Trips are so much fun, no I don’t mean the hallucinatory ones, I mean the real ones. Real life is suspended, you are exploring new sights, eating new food, your interest is peaked, perhaps you are on a beach, swimming in the sea, the therapeutic sea. Thalassotherapy. On this trip to Turkey, I did have some anxiety and panic the first day I was there, which was highly unusual for me, it did subside very quickly and then I had a wonderful time. No responsibilities, no deadlines, just fun, food, family and friends. Getting dressed up, going out to dinner, a wedding reception, sightseeing. Freedom! Freedom from anxiety, from depression. Sometimes a feeling of wellbeing for no reason at all. Can I keep it all now that I’m home? I’m going to try. Obviously life is not suspended anymore, have play rehearsals every night for 3-4 hours to get ready for our July 16 opening night! Appointments, meetings, sessions, all waiting for me. Oh and unpacking, my least favorite activity in the world. But I suppose if I didn’t unpack, I wouldn’t be able to pack for my next trip, which I am planning even as I write this lol. Anyway, here are some pictures, memories, from my trip.

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Drive?

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People who are complacent and happy and fulfilled are not the ones who accomplish great things. It is people who are driven, who have a “fire in their belly”. who are dissatisfied with their life, the state of the world, who feel this urge, hear the siren’s call, these are the people who do something great in the world.

I have been thinking, which am I? Certainly not the complacent kind. I am anxious almost all the time, yet I also have moments of blissful peace. Is it enough to be anxious? No. It has to be a directed anxiety, a goal oriented anxiety, the anxiety one feels has to be directed into achieving something. Just like energy, energy exists everywhere, but only when it is directed into an electrical cable can it light up the world.

I think education was to have taught me this directing capability, but I must have been sick at home the day they taught that lesson.

Yet also, another voice speaks to me (no not really, haha, it’s just my thoughts) and it says: Why do you have to strive and wish for greatness, isn’t it enough to just be you? A kind and loving and compassionate you, who can affect people’s and little animals’ lives everyday, not in some grand way, but in a small way? There is freedom in this. I can be kind, loving, compassionate every day without being tethered to an outside goal. I can be me without the need for fanfare and external responsibilities.

I used to think my epitaph should read “She tried as much as she could!” I’ve changed my mind about that, now I think it should read “She was loving, kind and compassionate.” Hopefully that is all true of me so it can be put on my tombstone. Actually I am not going to have a tombstone, I’m going to be cremated.

Anyway, this tug of war between living a small quiet life and the wish to accomplish something great, something stellar, goes on in my head sometimes; especially after I see something great like “H{N)Y P N (Y} OSIS.” Something like a one woman show with acting, singing, reading… I don’t know, who knows, we’ll see. I wonder how I can turn something like that into a reality? Certainly not by blogging about it, but by doing it.

Ok, gotta go and rehearse my song and lines for my upcoming play “Buster, The Musical!” Community theatre it is, but still something that entertains people and that screams: Look at me, here I am! Validation. And entertainment. At least in a small way.

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H {N)Y P N(Y} OSIS

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I went to see “H {N)Y P N(Y} OSIS”, (http://www.armoryonpark.org/programs_events/detail/philippe_parreno) Phlippe Parreno’s show at the Park Avenue Armory (an enormous venue) which my brother Asad Raza produced. It made me think, think, think. It plucked at many of the chords and strings in my heart. There were lights, as in marquee lights, there was piano music. There were films projected onto giant screens. One of them was of a train going through a green landscape, with people standing by and watching it go. They had 1950’s clothes on, there were 1950’s cars standing around. People were grouped into young and old, african americans, asians, mixed groups. Was it showing us that we missed the train on race relations, the environment? It had a post apocalyptic feel to me. Another film was the inside of an apartment, again with a 1950’s look, with a narrator (a sweet female voice) telling us about the apartment and its furnishings, etc. Also, in this film, a real ink fountain pen was writing things in a notebook, and then scribbling them out and then writing everything twice so it looked like the writing was three dimensional. The person attached to the hand that was doing the writing, was he descending into madness? Something strange was going on. Finally the camera pulled back, farther and farther to show that the apartment was a set, surrounded by a film crew and all the technology and equipment needed to make a film. Also a child came out and started talking. I happened to catch her speaking about Heidegger, “Thus we ask now: even if the old rootedness is being lost in this age, may not a new ground and foundation be granted again to man, a foundation and ground out of which man’s nature and all his works can flourish in a new way even in the atomic age?” (the same quote I heard in the Tate Modern show a few years ago. This made me think of continuity, how things assimilate and relate in our lives!) It also made me think about what is art? How big does something have to be in order to matter? Should I be doing something big with my life? Big as in a show in a giant hall of an armory! Am I capable of doing something that big? Obviously, you don’t start that big, you work up to it. Am I able to put aside my fear and create something, say something meaningful? Am I able to put aside my “laziness” to do something on a grand scale? Am I able to commit to something and then see it through? Do I need to do something? Am I not enough just as I am? Do I need to use my voice and speak out for something, against something? I have a brain, that despite bipolar disorder, works pretty well (lol), is it incumbent on me to use it for the greater good? Isn’t it enough just to be a pretty face, hahaha.
My brother, Asad, (https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=asad%20raza%20art) has done all these things. He has steadily been making a name for himself. He started with Tino Sehgal​ a few years ago, producing his shows, at the Guggenheim (the whole gallery was theirs for weeks!) at the Tate Modern in London, in Rio, in Athens, in Paris, and many other places. He wrote a book with Hans Ulrich Obrist called “Ways of Curating.”
He has steadily, and without much fanfare, been working his butt off, and creating a name for himself in the art world, not to mention a stellar and extensive resume. I am so proud of him, his hard work and dedication, and vision. He is my baby brother and I couldn’t be more proud of him and his accomplishments or love him more! Now to learn from all that he’s done and do something myself. Believe in myself and commit to something bigger than myself and then like Nike, Just Do It! Hmmmm, lets see what life has in store for me, or maybe what I have in store for life.