January 27, 2011.
In the hope that you may understand
Again I am drowning in it suffocating in it.
Again the shroud of darkness is upon me.
Hypomania, mania, depression.
They all play with my life at will and leave me listless as a dead drooping flower.
I have no control, when the hellish inferno of anger envelops me, I have no control.
When the bottomless, empty, deathly dark well of depression swallows me I have no control.
When fear overcomes me as though I am lost in a long abandoned ruin where there is no sight or sound only little rodent feet scurrying.
When I shed a million tears of sadness from the inexhaustible stores that are in me.
Yet they don’t understand, I know everyone loves me but they say “Oh get over it”, “You’re stronger than that”, “It’s not important”
Would I not get over it if I could? Do you think?
It is important, I am not stronger than this illness is, I fight it over and over yet the blighted thing always comes back.
Lithium brings me out of it yet it damages my kidneys, makes my hair fall out, ruins my skin, causes GI damage…
Seroquel brings me out of it yet makes me go from mania to an empty, horrifying depression, where the emptiness is so painful that I cannot get out of bed…
My muscles ache, my hands have tremors, my eyesight is shot. If I was on Trilifon I’d have a mask like face as well with no expression whatsoever and tardive dyskinesia and massive restlessness.
Do I just get over all this, does it sound easy to do?
In everyone’s eyes I may be a failure or a mediocrity, but I know what I have gone through and what I have overcome and it has not been easy.
This is not a complaint, it’s just out of my need to be understood, it’s just in the hope that you will understand.
Find me find me
I am not going to make it easy
If you find me you’ve won
If I hide I will be wanted more
I want your obsession
I want you revenge
I want you to care about me more that you care about yourself
I want you addicted to me
Because I have this black hole inside me that I cannot fill
So I must whip you and enslave you to make myself feel better
No matter what you do you will not be successful
You will always be wrong I’ll make sure of that
But go ahead and try, bang your head against the wall of my despair
I’ll make sure you know how stupid you are and how you lack any skills
Just like Mommy Dearest did to me
Nothing you do will be good enough
And I’m clever enough to make it seem like it’s all your fault
That you are the one who has no skills
I am not ready to love myself so I hate you
IN FACT I HATE MYSELF
So you cannot love me.
I see love as weakness and I pounce on weak people like a cat does to a mouse
no one will win, every one will lose, I don’t care if I have to destroy myself to destroy you, I will destroy you.
You come to me as if you really care for me hahahaha
You are only in it for yourself.
I have to beat you before you beat me
I don’t love myself so I must hate you
IN FACT I HATE MYSELF
Please love me even if I am impossible
Take me out of this hell hole
I need you I want you I’ve got to have you baby
But if I let you find me you’ve won and you can never win
I love you
I hate you I will not embrace you
You must be whipped for loving me because I am so unworthy
I love you I hate you
I HATE MYSELF
December 29, 2009
feeling forlorn and lonely
I have been to hell and back so many times I’ve lost count
feeling restless and agitated
every time this happens I lose days and days of my life
why me?
is it really fair that most other people waltz through life while I do a tortured dance in hell?
what’s the good in it?
nothing that I can see
words and deeds that hurt everyone come out of my mouth and my hands
losing myself, oneself is what most people take for granted, while I cannot, I can lose myself; lost in the dark at the precipice of a steep cliff
falling would mean only pieces of me would survive
not being able to take even myself for granted is a bone chillingly frightening thought
yet I live with it and every time it happens I hope it is the last
however it never is the last, there is always the next loss of myself waiting, silently, stealthily in the wings
I tell it to let me go but it won’t
it has me by the jugular like a tiger does its prey and it drags me and thrashes me about just like a tiger does to its prey
will I ever be free?
Is freedom only in death?
I have days and years to live yet
how can I appease thid cruel, unfeeling tiger god
what must I take to the shrine to so it will be appeased and let me be
where in the world is the shrine even located?
I am still here, I am still here
I will not go gentle into the night
I will put up as courageous and valiant a fight
though my battlements are worn
and my armaments, to others, a sorry sight
I will not go gently into the night
Many friends I have lost, many kith and blood tied kin
I grieve over them never losing sight
of their towering value to my life
many days I have struggled, seemingly carried the burden Atlas did
many nights have I lain awake and conversed with Sisyphus
Easy to give up and say good night?
Yet my hand flies out and catches the ashes as they flutter to the floor
as of its own free will, no gentle Ophelia it is not yet time
the river you must swim in is one of life
You cannot go gently into the night
Do you know me?
Do you know the battles I have fought to be here?
Do you know I’ve lately escaped from Hades?
Do you know the Herculean strength I possess?
Do you know I have vanquished the Furies?
Do you know I have withstood the song of the Sirens?
Do you know I have tamed Scylla and Charybdis?
Do you know even Medusa loves me now?
Do you know I have moved from fear into love?
Do you know how much you have helped me?
Do you know how grateful my heart is for your presence in it?
Do you know you are leading me to self love and peace?
I know you too and I love you.
now it’s the black bars heavy and ponderous and impregnable that imprison me
there is no window in this cell, no light comes near this dismal dank place full of tears and heaviness
maybe I live in a black hole…
last time I screamed and kicked and struggled for help
this time i am so tired I cannot open my mouth and even if I could I have lost my voice
how does one live their life like this?
does what you are having for dinner matter when the darkness is choking your spirit?
does what time you go to bed have any meaning when the banshees are threatening to wake up the neighborhood?
Normal? How do you live a normal life?
I am surrounded by normalcy and efficiency and “perfection”, much admired by everyone
I too exist, I scream but no one hears because I live in a black hole and nothing escapes this black hole, not light, not sound
yet i did make a birthday cake today and decorated it with macerated, sherried berries
a piece anyone?
does anyone second guess themselves as much as someone with a mental illness?
did i say that because i’m depressed?
was that an over reaction because I am hypomanic?
Who am I? WHY ME???????? Why could I not have been NORMAL and lived my life blissfully ignorant of all of these issues. Yes I have issues.
Anger is definitely one of them BUT is it because of my illness? Anger and irritability are definitley a BIG part of mixed state bipolar disorder. But try explaining that to a friend you’ve just testily told to shut up or a sister who is offended because you said too bad her favorite singer isn’t dead. Just try to explain it to them Try to explain it to yourself even… are you sure it was because of your “mood state” and not just because you were angry? How do you tell? There is no blood test like a blood sugar test for mood disorders. There is no litmus paper that turns red under manic conditions and remains blue during the depressions. And anyway even if there was, would it be purple when you were normal, if you ever were normal…
Fuck tigers and black holes, fuck creativity and intelligence, I’d give my right arm to be stupid and normal and blissful just for one day. It does happen every once in a while and it is indeed a blessed event, something people take for granted day after day. They don’t have to live with extreme amounts of angst, anxiety, sadness, hopelessness, anger, over thinking everything, all the negative emotions. Why no joy? That’s a mood too, why can’t I have an overabundance of joy? Dancing brings me joy but now because of Depakote which makes my joints ache all the time I can’t dance a lot. Horrid medicine. Horrid doctor who prescribed it to me. Physically depakote makes me feel about a 100 years old. Emotionally I am doing better but not 100% better… yeah whatever you just have to live with it.
I have been given so many drugs to try, I have lost count. The only three I can take with relatively few side effects are Lithium Carbonate ER (extended release), Seroquel, and Zoloft.
Depakote gave me horrible anxiety, and made half my hair fall out. Tripleptal, same, made half my hair fall out, Wellbutryn made me so anxious, I thought I was literally going to explode. Ability gave me Parkinson’s like symptoms, with shuffling gait, stiff muscles and made me feel about 80 years old. Lamictal put me in a hypomanic phase and finally pushed me into full blown mania and I had to be hospitalized. They found out after initial trials with Lamictal that it is not effective with bipolar 1 (which is what I have), only for the milder bipolar 2 does it work. So a LOT of people who have bipolar 1 went into full blown mania as a result. Oh well, c’est la vie! Saphris gave me blinding migraines. There are more, but I think it is clear how bad the side effects of these meds can be. One of them literally stated that one side effect is sudden death!!! What more can I say!
Side Effect Reference: http://www.cchr.org/quick-facts/psychiatric-drugs-side-effects.html
There is something else that I wanted yo talk about that I would bet not many people have experienced. I certainly wish I hadn’t. It’s called Anhedonia. It is a complete absence of positive emotions. And it is one if the most terrifying states any one can ever experience. It is sheer emptiness and fear. It feels like you are are a new born baby who is left all alone in the world after nuclear armageddon. I don’t know how else to describe it. I have experienced it and it is truly terrifying. A few years ago, I was rapid cycling in my mixed phases, minding my own business, when I woke up from a nap and wow all my positive emotions were gone, zapped. I called my psychiatrist’s office in a panic, and he told the secretary to tell me to go to the emergency room if I felt so bad. All he had to do was call me back and talk to me, I didn’t need to go to the ER. I felt so alone and betrayed by this doctor. Oh yeah, I will write a post soon about BAD psychiatrists who mistreat and even abuse their patients, because of course we are mentally ill and who is going to take us seriously if we complain?
Palestine WILL Be Free 